Nice ones daily zing and banana news.

These are the sacred rules of the Politicians Handbook, passed down for thousands of years. If you want to take power, hold office and win favor, follow these easy rules and you shall be known in all the land as a greasy politician.

1. Lie to no end. Even lie about simple things that don’t even matter. Then act appalled if someone suggests you’re lying.

2. Promise the moon and the stars.

3. Tell everyone what they want to hear, even if it conflicts with the speech you gave yesterday at the Ladies of Liberty luncheon.

4. Have a mistress on the side. This can include but not limited to: a call girl, an escort, a model, campaign worker or intern. Also, don’t limit yourself to one. You will get caught, so you might as well live it up. For more information on this subject refer to the professional athlete, Hollywood celebrity or rockstar handbook.

5. Shake every hand.

6. Get a photo taken of you holding/kissing a baby. This will win favor with the female demographic.

7. Save a community center/city park.

8. Meet with a spiritual adviser.

9. Gladly accept bribes from people who in turn will ask you to pass legislation or city ordinances for them at a later date, they may also ask for government pork.

10. When trying to make a point while talking, use a closed fist with thumb slightly protruded upwards to really hammer home your idea.

11. Have a great head of hair – We’d like to take some time to express the importance of this section, this is possibly one of the most important rules. If you do not have a great head of hair there are many solutions that will effectively deceive potential voters, giving you that victory you’re looking for. Examples:

a. Hair plugs – offers a very natural look with virtually no evidence of surgery. Though you will have to take time off for recovery. Click here for examples.

b. Toupee – flawlessly covers male pattern baldness with zero suggestion of hair trickery or tomfoolery whatsoever. There is a wide range of toupee’s available, offering many different hair styles. Chose wisely because you will be required to wear this hair piece for the rest of your life/political career. See rule # 12 Click here for examples.

c. Comb-over – the crown jewel of all balding solutions. The Houdini of hair deception, The David Blaine of hair mastery, the Chris Angel of… well you get the idea. The combover, known as the flawless victory in the seedy underworld of politics, is the ultimate solution to baldness. There are many options with the combover, the most common: east to west, with available west to east variant. Followed by the strangely mesmerizing back to front. And the most provocative, the full frontal exposure. Click here for examples.

12. Pick a hair style and stick with it. You are not allowed to change this style for a few reasons according to political strategists.

a. You want your voters to feel safe. You are the same candidate you were when they voted for you.

b. A change in hair style may leave your constituents feeling vulnerable, as though you might start changing other things, such as your politics.

c. A change in hair style can confuse voters leaving them wondering, where is the person I used to vote for?

13. Consort with shady characters. Not only should you consort with them but also have strong ties, dine, play golf, and gallivant about town with them.

14. Only interview with media personal who you know will lob softballs at you so you can knock them out of the park. Avoid media persons who ask tough questions. This will expose your many weaknesses. If ever put into a tough situation in an unavoidable interview, give vague answers that mean nothing.

Alternative Energy Plans Not Alternative Enough to Break Out From Energy Debate Dependence

From Banana News (www.bananaws.com)

October 10, 2009

Liberals want to conserve resources,Conservatives want to use them liberally

In an unharnessed blow to the alternative energy movement, the General Accounting Office, in Washington D.C. issued a report which banned labeling wind, solar, and geothermal technologies “alternative” energy. Instead, the GAO ordered all Government documents and patient applications to refer to the three technologies as “sporadic recharge contraptions.” And the GAO ordered backers of the three technologies to provide legal “math-like” proof of renewability to insure that adoption of sporadic recharge technologies will not deplete the sun of its radiance, the atmosphere of its motion, and the earth-crust of it geological smoke.

GAO spokesman Greg G. Grip told reporters representing six newspapers, two websites, and one cable news channel specializing in recycled news:

“These three technologies have generated millions kilowatts over the past fifty years and are currently generating energy in sixty different countries worldwide. Throughout this period the earth’s atmosphere has continued to heat up and carbonate while the world comes ever more close to running out of oil, coal, and Conservative U.S. Congressmen. In light of this, we have concluded that America’s future requires the development of alternative, alternative energies, to renew our renewable energy and provide Americans with alternatives to the constantly recycled alternate renewables. If Americans cannot meet this renewed challenge we are going to end up alternating every four years between a passive recycling obsession with blustery air movements, eye-squinting sunlight, and a few house-trained volcanoes and, yet again, splurging on finite energy resources and plump-reared hummer vehicles, which, in turn, strains the nation’s stock of creative parking skills.

Greg G. Grip then mentioned that ants, bees, and hummingbird farms might be possible alternate sources for generating energy.

Environmentalists, green entrepreneurs, and Al Gore argued that the CBO’s assessment was unreasonable and unfair since the three cited renewable forms of energy generation has yet to generate three percent of America’s energy.
GAO analyst Greg G, Grip answered back:

“Yes, think how hot and carbonated the air would be if it fifty percent of our energy was generated by wind farms, solar factories, and geothermal services.”

The GAO also reported that a group of fossil fuming supporters had bought twenty year leases on select restaurant booths around Washington’s Capitol Hill and have used their booth monopoly to drill rumors into hungry members of Congress. Booth waiters claim that the fossil fuming support group has been using highly pressurized whiskey, wet ice, and loose currency, to pry loose Congressmen who previously were embedded under several deep layers of voter and family sentiments. According to booth waiters fossil fuming supporters have used this campaign to assert that alternate energy entrepreneurs in the United States had been caught, Green Handed, spinning in place, like a tilted windmill , generating the same “renewable“ proposal for renewable energy since fossil time renewable.

As if to confirm Mr. Gripp’s charge, CNN videotaped Texas Congressmen Jason Sperling shouting his newly acquired opinion from the inside seat of an appropriately distilled Capitol Hill restaurant booth:

“The only thing renewable about solar panels is that they flip up sparkling every three years as the shining savior of America. What it is, people just cannot handle gorging on a billion years worth fossilizing fuel in order to sit in their car, fume, and curse at a jammed intersection filled with similar stuck drivers whose only friend and enemy is a talk radio station. I think a lot of desperate drivers just stare up at their car mirror and pray that it sets off some light bulb that can get them out of the intersection jam. This is how they get themselves revved up crazy about mirror based sun energy and another whiskey idea for me and my new booth buddies.”

Though he did not reveal if he agreed with their position, Mr. Grip praised the fossil fuming supporters for subtracting valuable insights from the energy debate.

Greg G. Grip then mentioned that office telecommuting, bees wax candles, and human hibernation might be possible energy saving sources.

Congressman Jason Sperling, who has admitted to receiving “entertainment” from the internet spam lobby, the next day introduced a bill to allow illegal immigrants to work for U.S. companies from telecommuting centers located in their native countries, provided they “first, turn off the lights, sneak out of the United States, go home, and purchase an outsourced American job.” And he encouraged legal Americans to install an office cubicle in their bedroom closet and tele-work without wearing clothes in order to save energy on getting dressed, finding socks, and wasting valuable closet space on grey blended office clothing.

Environmentalists, green entrepreneurs, and Al Gore argued that wind, solar and geothermal energies would prove cost effective if only Governments invested in the technology to transmit these energies from their distant natural source in sparsely populated areas to the cities and suburbs where people work, live, sit tele-naked, and tele-debate using sporadic recharging contraptions.

Congressional representatives from Texas, West Virginia, and Exxon Mobil argued that the Al Gore-Obama alternative energy transmission initiative was nothing more than another Democrat “smoke and mirrors” campaign to allow the Government to seize control of more of the Government. And they ridiculed Al Gore for claiming to have invented the “internet” without taking credit for inventing “telecommuting”.
Environmentalists, green entrepreneurs, and Al Gore pointed out that technologies which use “high tech smoke” and “precision mirrors”, indeed, would be the most efficient method of transmitting wind and solar energy and said, that given these new technical realities, conservatives, once again, had shown themselves to be living in the stone-ax and bronze-tooth age of energy transport metaphors.

Congressional Representatives from Texas, West Virginia, and Exxon Mobil responded by imploring Congress to pass a bill allowing offshore-drilling for carbon rich ocean bottom silt; washed in from coal removed mountaintops.
Congressmen Jason Sterling praised the 9.8% of unemployed Americans for conserving transportation fuel and proposed setting up tele-no-work centers, where the unemployed could go and display their collection of blended gray office clothing.

Congressional Representatives from Texas, West Virginia, and Exxon Mobil complained that America’s energy debate had gotten so twisted and confusing that they didn’t know if the idea was to:

a) Reduce dependence on foreign oil, dictators, and bad nightly news.
b) Reduce carbon trade missions to other countries.
c) Blame global warming on global warming.
d) Save cash on the rising prices of fossil fuels.
e) Make more money for Texas,
f) Permit greenhouse produce and vegetables to be grown outdoors.

Conservatives then claimed if green house gases emission and global warming was the key Democrat problem with the world, then the issue of cattle flatulence must be dealt with tail on; by leading Democratic Senators.

Congressman Jason Sperling responded by promising to introduce a bill to offer Government subsidies to the Masanto seed corporation and key pharmaceutical firms to use the science of biotechnology to splice Pepto Bismal chemistry into the genetic code of the six top livestock feeds.

Greg G. Grip then mentioned shade, that Al Gore speeches, and sex education books might be potential sources of global cooling.

Environmentalists, green entrepreneurs, and Al Gore complained that America’s energy debate was so confusing that they didn’t know if the idea was to:
a) Reduce dependence on foreign oil, dictators, and bad morning news.
b) Eliminate carbon emissions.
c) Blame global warming on outdoor tan salons.
d) Save fossil fuels from the ever rising price of money.
d) Bankrupt Texas.
e) Set up summer education camps in backyard green houses.

Discovering that that potential voters had become confused about the issue, Liberal Democratic Congressmen from the Midwest, joined with environmentalists, green entrepreneurs, and Al Gore on the steps of Capitol Hill to clarify the goals of alternative energy development to reporters representing six newspapers, two websites, and one cable news channel specializing in recycled news:

“The goal of alternative energy development is to conserve and husband this country’s natural resources in order to protect and conserve the world’s atmosphere, soils, and water.”
Discovering that potential voters had become confused about the issue, Conservative Republican Congressmen, from the South joined forces with Congressmen representing Texas, West Virginia, and Exxon Mobil on the lawn of Capitol Hill to clarify the goals of alternative energy development to reporters representing six newspapers, two websites, and one cable news channel specializing in depletable news:

“The goal of alternative energy development is to liberally use and develop this countries natural resources in order to expand our economy and remain open minded about what form of the world’s atmosphere, soil, and water is best suited for the future of mankind.”

Greg G. Grip then mentioned that bankrupting Iran, isolating Venezuela’s Chavez, and pushing the country of Russia into Siberian hibernation, might be possible alternative energy goals.

Congress was reported to be debating a bill that would move GAO offices to Capitol Hill restaurant booths and lease the GAO building to a fossil fuming support group. Congress was also considering whether to allow selected Congressional staff to telecommute from selected White House and Department of Defense closets provided a “color neutral” dress code could be worked out.

Greg G. Grip, of the GAO was last seen in a restaurant booth debating representatives of a fossil fuming support group who were demanding, that select combinations of pressurized whiskey, ice, and loose currency, receive sporadic recharge technology cldassification and be eligible for alternative Government subsidies.

Banana News
(www.bananaws.com)

Bite me.

Writing humor is easy. It’s getting people to laugh that sucks the big one.

There is no “I” in government, but there is a “me” and also a “n”. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you shouldn’t self-edit either.

I had to look again but Fiar, you’re right as always. I didn’t notice the bald head under the hat.

“Writing humor isn’t as easy as it looks.”

Amen brother, amen.

This should be a fun contest.

Other than the bald head, that’s almost exactly what I look like.