Political Humor | Yeah…When Politicians Fly

Now that the Olympics are over, are you feeling a hole in your well adjusted lives? Are you sad to see that Michael Phelps still hasn’t learned to share?  Does the thought not watching under aged Chinese girls repeatedly being subjected to limb damaging routines have you weeping nostalgically?  Afraid that you won’t witness great human drama like steroid shooting runners competing or booing out of control, medal throwing wrestlers? Me too.

So I’d like to offer some relief.

We’ve all heard the phrase: “Can’t trust politicians as far as I can throw ‘em.”

Many of us have said it. Some have actually considered it. Cliche? Maybe. A trifle bromide? Possibly. But it begs the question, just how far can you throw a politician?

They’ve screwed with our lives. They’ve screwed with our freedoms. I’ll be damned if they’re going to take away all of the happiness that I want to pursue.

I’m about 6′2″ 200 plus pounds. I’ve got bit of a gut but still for my age, pretty solid. I’ve been active all my life and I don’t think I could throw Ted Kennedy at all. I fact, I’d be down right scared to get close to him. All he’d have to do is trip…

Nancy Pelosi on the other hand, I’d grab a wrist and an ankle and spin her like the hammer throw. Still I don’t think she’d land but a few feet away from me.

This isn’t really what I had in mind and not very much fun.

What about smaller, less manly individuals? What about the handicapped? Don’t they deserve the same opportunity to fling a lawmaker an equal distance? This is America -at least for now- isn’t it?

Circus. That could be the answer. Big, high flying, three ring, death defying, no net circus. Although it soon becomes rather obvious that we’ll never get politicians to stick their heads into lion’s mouths or ride motorcycles in the Ball of Death, unless they’re up for re-election soon. Nor will we persuade them to perform on the trapeze. But a gun to the head will get a lot of sleazy elected officials on the high wire. The rest we could parade off to the cannon.

Yeah, you’re right. It isn’t exactly tossing, is it? But it could be fun. So where do we go to find a way for all to enjoy one of our inalienable rights?

Maybe the answer is catapults! That’s seem like it would fit the bill nicely. The cat part you can figure out yourselves.  But did you know that apultusis is from the Latin and means to hurl a great distance. Now I’m not suggesting we fling felines, but spineless pussys…

Brings a whole new meaning to getting tossed out of office.

Catapults can be constructed from all nature, biodegradable materials. They’re easy to build. They use no fossils fuel and are almost a zero on the carbon footprint scale. But best of all, they’re a blast! Get some of your friend together, ratchet that puppy back, load in one non-compliant dirt-bag, and with a simple flip of a lever…Magic.

We could hold regional contest to see who could toss one the farthest. Have a lottery for the chance to trip the switch. I’d bet it’d get initial coverage on ESPN, but soon all the networks would want in on the action. We could sell ad space. Think about it. For once these nasty creatures will be actually making money while doing the will of the people.

Imagine this, the Super Bowl of Lawmaker Lobbing: A packed stadium, millions of people tuned in worldwide, Vegas odds makers, the Budweiser Clydesdales, the Dallas Cowboy’s cheerleaders; the possibilities are endless.

This could wipe out the national debt in a very few years. Social Security would actually be. A well funded and well paid military, you bet. And tons of left over cash, filling the national coffers to overflowing. Now you want to talk about universal health care? Sure, because we’d be secure in the knowledge that this is a natural resource that will never run dry.

Les James has more of this type of crap over at his humor blog, Sideshow Mirrors.