Political Humor | The Wreckage

Col. Jack Cabot, Director of the Federal Elections Emergency Disaster Management Agency faces his first day of the clean-up after the 2008 Elections.

“We’re flying over the area now sir” The chopper pilot pointed out the window. “It looks really bad Mr. Cabot.”

“Wow” I muttered. He wasn’t kidding. As someone in charge of cleaning up after the last six Presidential Elections, I have seen a lot but never have I flown into a political disaster scene of this magnitude. It was like Katrina only a hundred times more devastation, the dead careers of hundreds of Republican politicians floating in the murky water below. “Hurricane Obama hit the GOP pretty hard…looks like there aren’t many survivors…”

“Sir I see someone!” The pilot interrupted at he turned the helicopter sharply. “Hold on!”

As we got closer I could make out a woman on a rooftop frantically waving her arms. Next to her was the body of an old man. They looked very familiar. Panic and fear set over me once I recognized them. “Get us down there now!”

“Mrs. Palin are you alright?” I asked as the chopper hovered close to the rooftop behind us.

“Yes, I’m okay…but John…” She looked down at the body at her feet then put her head in her hands and began to sob. “John’s dead.”

“Oh my God.” The reality of the situation set in. John McCain’s political career was dead but if he won in 2000 none of this would have happened. I sighed then gathered my thoughts. “Help me get his body into the chopper. He deserves a decent burial.”

As we got closer to the base, I could see the rescue choppers already out in force searching for any other GOP survivors.

Reports over the radio confirmed that it was not as bad as initially feared. Norm Coleman was weak but in stable condition. Wally Herger and Dan Lungren were found with a few broken bones and some scrapes but they would make it. Things were looking better.

As luck would have it, fortune suddenly changed for the worse when we touched down at our destination. Along with medical staff to tend to our passengers, a Private was waiting for me in a jeep.

“Sir there’s an urgent phone call for you.” The Private motioned for me to get in. “We’ve got a situation.”

I jumped in and we headed to the communications tent.

“Yes…what? He went crazy? Son of a bitch!” I slammed the receiver down. “As if this day couldn’t get any worse…” I grumbled as I stormed out of the tent and hopped in the jeep, motioning for the driver to head to the center of town.

When I arrived at the scene the local sheriff informed me that Mitch McConnell had killed some deputies and is currently hiding in the woods. He offers me his radio to contact my old friend.

“Company leader to identify Repub Baker Team - McConnell, Sununu, Dole, Reed, Tingle, Schaffer, Kelleher confirm! This is Colonel Cabot.”

The radio was silent for a few minutes then suddenly…

“They’re all gone Sir.” McConnell replied over the airwaves.

“Not Sununu, he made it.” I answered back with a reassuring tone.

“Sununu’s gone too Sir. Got himself killed by the Bush administration, didn’t even know it. The economic crash ate him down to the bone.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know.” I was finally getting McConnell to calm down and hopefully turn himself in when I said too much. “Sounds like bailing you out of trouble’s got to be a lifetime achievement for me.”

“There wouldn’t be no trouble if it weren’t for that kingshit Obama!”

“Well you did some pushing on your own Mitch.”

“The Democrats drew first blood, not me.”

“Look Mitch, let me come in and get you the hell out of there!

“They drew first blood…” The radio went silent.

“McConnell, are you still reading me? Company leader to Raven! McConnell! Acknowledge!” It was no use. I took a flask out of my jacket pocket and slugged a healthy swig back.

This was going to be a long day.

Chris Cameron writes an odd weekly political humor column every Thursday here at Radioactive Liberty, and like this post occasional extra content. You can also read his own brand of funny at his humor blog Angry Seafood.