Political Humor | Rebuilding the Republican Party

Hi, I’m JumpOut. Welcome to this Grand Old Party. Today, we’ll be looking at foundations. Foundations are very tricky to work with, but are of the utmost importance. If the foundation isn’t strong enough, or if the rest of the party isn’t built squarely upon the foundation, it will fail catastrophically.

Now, I’ve inspected this foundation, and I’ve found several things out of place. There are a few minor things that by themselves won’t cause catastrophic failure. There are also a couple of serious problems that if left unchecked will cause this party to collapse and kill anyone whose political career is underneath it.

We’ll start with the minor problems. There are a couple of joints in the foundation that don’t seem to meshing well. Do you see right here where the protectionist/isolationist meets free-trade? It’s causing some friction. There’s also some friction being caused by the Christian right rubbing up against the the South Park conservative. We’ll need to work this area where they meet to get them to mesh. We’ll need to apply a few fixes.

First, we’ll need some “The economy is a world economy” thinset. Once that dries we’ll have to apply some “stop giving free stuff to countries that hate us and ask for nothing in return” caulking. Once that joint is taken care of, we’ll have to sink some “all laws reflect someone’s morality” rebar, and cover the holes with “increasing the size of government for your pet Christian cause is still increasing the size of government” patches.

Now, on to the more serious problems. The previous two tenants of this party treated it poorly. They tried to pull the party away from the foundation. You see how it’s starting to lean? If this keeps going, this party will not be able to stand. Luckily, though this problem is serious, it only requires a simple, mechanical, fix. We’re going to take a sledgehammer, and beat the party back in line with the foundation. Simple enough. There is only one problem: We may not be able to swing the sledgehammer hard enough to move the party. Only time will tell.

Now, the most devastating problem with this Grand Old Party. Look at this rotten fiscal responsibility plank. This is one of load-bearing planks in this party. You see all that cash caked on to the plank? It’s all gunked up and needs some serious attention. It’s almost rotten right down to the core. We have to either remove the plank, or douse it in bleach and kill the biological cause of the decay. Because the owners of this party are traditionalists, we’re going to try to poor bleach on it, and see if there is anything salvageable underneath. If not, we’ll get a cult of personality plank from Lowe’s to replace it. It’s much more expensive, but it’s pretty, and easy to install.

Thanks for joining us today on This Grand Old Party. Tune in again in two years, and we’ll see how much progress has been made on these repairs. Hopefully we’ll be able to fix all these problems in no longer than four years. So, until next time, I’m JumpOut and this has been another presentation of This Grand Old Party. Goodnight.

In case you were interested, you can get plenty of JumpOut at his own law enforcement humor and political satire blog, You Should Be Tasered. JumpOut would also like to note Les James is big fat liar. JumpOut’s ego is much bigger than his head.

Image: Leaning House bu Ingorr