So the economy is in the crapper. People are losing their jobs. Huge financial corporations are teetering on collapse. Jewish lightning is cropping up all over the place.
No, I don’t mean the slang term for people burning down their houses for the insurance money, but rather the 1930’s boxer with the same nickname.
What does a little-known boxer have to do with a recession? Absolutely nothing but there have been a lot more house fires lately.
There is no need to do something so drastic however because we have a government which provides many opportunities to get out of that financial hole.
Become an Illegal Alien
Renounce your U.S. citizenship, move to Mexico, then sneak back across the border. As an illegal alien you will have many free services and products available to you that would normally cost thousands of dollars every year. Cervezas for everyone!
You will have to buy a stolen identity for an alias in order to get tax refunds, so there is a slight initial investment.
It is worth it, however when you imagine having free health care, free housing, the ability to walk into any restaurant or hotel and immediately land a job. Have kids? The government will be there for you with not only Medicaid for the children but free college tuition too. If higher education doesn’t pan out, there is always the landscaping industry.
Get a U.S. Government Credit Card
Of course you have to be a federal employee to be eligible for one, but once you get past that obstacle it’s like selling the cattle ranch in the game Life. You can get IPods, laptop computers, digital cameras, all for free.
Charge more than $2500? No problem. Just don’t sign the slip. When your job description is ‘spend money foolishly’ the best way to do that is with a credit card and the accounting prowess of Enron.
Become a Politician
The Clintons entered politics broke and now have hundreds of millions of dollars. There’s oil in them there Capitol Hills! Just don’t go looking for that bell sound. Every time you do somebody comes a knockin’!
Not only is being in politics a lucrative career, but there are some perks and benefits that have intrinsic value as well. For example, when you vote for a bill that authorizes the President to start a war you can berate the military leaders in charge years later to get your ratings and election funding up.
You can get great room service at discount prices at the Mayflower Hotel. You can campaign for bigger bathroom stalls to account for wide stances. There are no limitations with this profession.
So cheer up everyone. There are ways you can avoid tough economic times. And if you can’t there is always another option…
Chris Cameron writes this political humor column every Thursday because making fun of others makes him feel better about himself. He also boosts his self-esteem at his own blog Angry Seafood.
Humor-Blogs.com might not have any money-making ideas, but they do have funny blogs.
Filed under political humor.
2004–2008
9 responses so far ↓
1
don
// Apr 10, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Your photo is an obvious fake.
In real life Bill would be sitting next to Ellie May.
2
Fiar
// Apr 10, 2008 at 2:09 pm
I think Don may have a point. We’re going to need to investigate this. We don’t want people questioning our credibility again, like last week.
3
Daniel
// Apr 10, 2008 at 3:24 pm
I’m absolutely mesmerized by the idea of finding a house shaped like a ginormous toilet seat.
My real estate agent has failed me miserably.
4
RT
// Apr 10, 2008 at 8:16 pm
Wow, all of that makes me wish I owned a home.
Darn.
5
Fiar
// Apr 10, 2008 at 10:58 pm
Hey lookey how it says who the author is up there now. Neato!
6
Chris C
// Apr 11, 2008 at 2:08 am
@Fiar: Like that new add-on.
@Don: Yah but he really wanted to drive. And to be fair to Bill’s rep, he was checking out Ellie May before the pic was taken.
@Daniel: You no longer have to be mezzed as the hardcore gamers say because the house is real and you can buy it at the right price I’m sure. Don’t blame your real estate agent though because the property is in Japan if I remember correctly and that will be one hell of a commission fee.
But I may be wrong on its location. Don’t want to be non-credible after all. God forbid. Satan forbid even.
7
Alex L
// Apr 12, 2008 at 1:12 am
‘Everything free in America’… why does that remind me of Yakov Schmirnov.
8
Eileen
// Apr 12, 2008 at 5:43 pm
I like the toilet looking house.
It looks well designed, with just enough slope on top to let the rain run off, yet allow for a nice party area up there.
I think a swimming pool in the middle would improve on it.
Danial,
Portland Oregon, near the Rose City Gulf Course, on the North side I think.
It is near Gregory Heights Middle School.
We nicknamed it the Toilet House when we were kids. It doesn’t have quite the look of the one in the picture, but the shape is right, and it could so easily be painted to look like a toilet.
It doesn’t have the hole in the middle of the toilet seat shaped part.
But a good paint job can take care of that.
Your illegal alien argument is bogus.
One can obtain all the same benefits by just being a poor US citizen.
Give up your job, give all your money away, and get yourself into the system.
No need to steal a social security number or break any laws.
9
Chris C
// Apr 12, 2008 at 10:46 pm
@Alex: That’s actually a line from a song in South Pacific and you’ll hear the soundbyte used a lot on the Howie Carr show when he’s talking about illegal immigration.
@Eileen: You’re bogus
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