Political Humor | Satan Speaks in His Defense

Play Satan Speaks

Updated to include the transcript.

Satan here. You know, the Prince of Darkness. I really feel like I’ve been getting a bum rap lately. Ever since the whole “Forbidden Fruit” thing. That was Eve’s fault. She should have known better, but what would you expect. She is a woman, after all. Even back then, women had no ability to follow directions.

A lot of people have been making a big, big deal about this whole 666 thing. You know, oh, oh, oh, the date’s 6/6/06. Oh, 666. Scary. The end of the world, 666, but you know, 666 isn’t really even the number of the beast. It’s 411. That’s right. When you call directory assistance, you’re actually calling me. That explains a lot, doesn’t it?

You know who else gets a bum rap? The Jews. I think it all started with that whole, “You murdered Jesus” thing, but that was the Roman’s fault. The Jews just got caught up in the moment. I don’t hate the Jews. Some of my best friends are Jews, really.

You know who hates the Jews though? God. Think about it. 40 years wandering the wilderness, and he can’t be like, “Hey guys, promised land is that way.” With friends like that, who needs enemies? Not me. That’s for sure.

FrankJ says that snakes and monkeys are my minions. Snakes - yes, but monkeys - no. They work for the big guy. The only monkeys I have are them winged ones, like in the Wizard of Oz. You know what animal is on my side? Turtles. Yup, turtles. They aren’t very useful, but they’re on my side.

You know, I’m not all evil all the time. I don’t like that Air America. If I was all evil all the time, I would love Air America. Do you know how many people commit suicide everyday, just so they don’t have to listen to that pap for one more second? It’s a lot.

Another misconception. I don’t actually like Hitler. He was a douche. I do love tormenting him for all eternity though. That’s really fun.

I don’t apologize very often, but I would like to take this opportunity to apologize right now for creating AOL. I was having a bad day that day. JT is right. AOL screws everything up. Sorry. My bad.

People always ask, “What does Satan say when he’s angry?” I can’t say “Go to Hell.” We’re already there. I like to call people ‘tards. I say, “You ‘tard!” Just like that.

Well, I gotta go. We have a bunch of dead terrorists waiting to be processed, demanding their 72 virgins, and those ‘tards in processing, they can’t even do simple things on their own without screwing it up. Like explaining, there are no 72 virgins.

Stupid ‘tards.

• JT’s Place Linked with Blogroll Rundown
• Passionate America Linked with Satan Apologises For Creating AOL