You might think that beating hippies is fun, safe, family friendly entertainment.
You are wrong.
I’m not denying that it is fun, especially for the kids. Kids just love beating dirty hippies. No. The fact is that it can be very unsafe.
Let’s say you were about the town and saw a dirty hippie chick. Now, you might be thinking, “Except for the armpit hair, hippie stink, lack of brain functioning, and Che Guevara T-shirt, she’s almost semi-good looking.”
Now, you’re not going to just dunk your junk without taking any precautionary measures. You don’t want to see your equipment shriveled up like a poorly rolled joint, or Ron Paul’s poll numbers. Of course not.
First you will take her on a romantic trip to the lake. You’ll say, “Let me put some sunscreen on for you,” But instead of sunscreen, it will be soap that you are lathering all over her body. Now, shove her in the water, and it’s guaranteed to be at least 12% as effective as actual showering.
After that, you’re still going to want to use some sort of prophylactic protection to prevent the passage of pathogens. You never know what sort of diseases a hippie could be carrying. There are so many to choose from. Tuberculosis, Hepatitis, Syphillis.
Let’s not forget the worst of them all, Terrorist Sympathy. Symptoms include parroting terrorist talking points, and extending Constitutional rights to terrorists.
You will want to steer clear of these sorts of infections. And that is why precautions should also be taken when it comes to beating hippies. You see, hippies are a subspecies of the lower primates. This means that they are warm-blooded mammals. As such, when you beat a hippie severly enough, there will be blood.
Blood can transmit disease. Do you see where this is going?
What you can do to protect yourself
7. Wear a poncho. You need to be aware of the possibility of blow back. This occurs when you beat the hippie, and their blood sprays back on you.
6. Safety goggles are a must. You don’t want any bodily fluids, or tofu getting in your eyes. Hippies will also sometimes scratch at your eyes. You only get one set of eyes, so please protect them.
5. Gloves and boots. The more you can be sure to cover all exposed areas, the safer you hippie beating fun will be.
4. Grapefruit in a 100% cotton towel. While this method may cause internal injuries, it shouldn’t cause external bleeding. Plus the hippies like it because it’s a totally vegan and eco-friendly method of being beaten.
3. Shower immediately and thoroughly to wash off all potential pathogens. I failed to do this one time, and it took several rounds of antibiotics to clear that mess up. Don’t make the mistake that I did.
In the event that a thorough shower is not immediately available, you should come prepared with a minimum of one gallon of hand sanitizer per family member. Use all over the body, except sensitive regions. Clean them ASAP with soap and water.
2. Bring a friend. Just like with swimming, always follow the buddy system.
1. Lift from the legs. This is just a basic back safety tip. Never lift and twist.
You will also want to check your local, state, and federal regulations, perhaps consulting with the chief of police. It seems that many lawmakers are metrosexual, girly sissies, and may have passed anti-hippie beating legislation under the guise of “assault” and/or “battery.” We’re looking for family friendly fun, not family felony fun.
What are your tips for safe hippie beating?
Humor-Blogs.com understands that this is satire, and in no way endorses actual violence. No hippies were harmed in the writing of this satire.
Image Credit: Dirty Hippie Chick in the Wild Wearing Che T-Shirt, by Fiar.
2004–2008
18 responses so far ↓
1
Les James
// Jun 23, 2008 at 9:40 pm
Safety first. I would suggest large, enclosed farm equipment. Farming accidents do happen and with all that leafy green stuff they’ll be smoking, one could claim they were just harvesting. Or that their GPS was screwed-up. Or that they accidently hit the gas instead of the brake. Or…
2
richj
// Jun 23, 2008 at 10:02 pm
Was it fmragtops who did the hippy-pedia posts? Someone (Fiar) should resurrect that stuff from back when we were funny.
3
Rich
// Jun 23, 2008 at 10:04 pm
There, that’s better. Rich with out the J.
4
Insolublog
// Jun 23, 2008 at 10:29 pm
A strong, industrial strength taser cuts down on the fluid egress. It also aides in ’self beating’, by remote controlled seizure. You can always have a supply of disposable electrodes, which can be disconnected and bagged with the remains.
5
Chris C.
// Jun 23, 2008 at 11:30 pm
Don’t forget to scrub your junk with a brillo pad afterwards to remove what probably is every known std and general disease festering in a female hippie’s body and now on your privates.
6
Alex L.
// Jun 24, 2008 at 2:39 am
I hate it how people wear Che G. shirts… why doesnt anyone wear Castro shirts, his beard was far better.
I like the idea of murdering, sorry culling hippies being a family sport.
7
diesel
// Jun 24, 2008 at 11:55 pm
Do chicks always cross their legs like that when you’re around?
8
Meg
// Jun 25, 2008 at 11:14 am
She’s not a Hippie. She’s an Irish Stepdancer who’s having a misguided moment. Give her some Guinness and she’ll uncross those legs and more.
9
Celebghost
// Jun 25, 2008 at 2:50 pm
If you bring a bong you can trick them into coming close then you can break it and use it as a sharp weapon…the element of surprise can never be forgotten
http://funniestbloginamerica.blogspot.com/
10
Augusto
// Jul 2, 2008 at 8:09 am
I’ve just figured out what is wrong with that picture. That girl is no hippie. I know this because she is standing in front of the US Capitol building. I live in DC and I’ve searched all over town for hippies just asking to be beaten and there aren’t any. Recently I was told in this forum that Washington state is awash in them (well awash is probably the wrong term) so this picture was taken in the wrong Washington and on the wrong side of the country, the right coast, if you will, rather than the left coast.
>>>>Use all over the body, except sensitive regions
I’m in trouble on this – I think my regions are all sensitive.
11
Fiar
// Jul 2, 2008 at 9:19 am
No, Augusto. It was a Code Pink demonstration last September. There were thousands of dirty hippies just looking for an eco-friendly beating.
12
Augusto
// Jul 2, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Ah, imported hippies. That is a different matter all together. Typically, we just have the crazy homeless dudes - who are differentiated from K Street Lobbyists by the presence of the cellphone at their ear vs walking down the street just plain talking to themselves and their invisible companions.
Those pink people sometimes demonstrate across the street from my office. They are very hostile to the nearby Big Oil trade association. Fortunately they don’t seem to show up with the limo of the ExxonMobil president arrives for strategy meetings – that would be so awkward.
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