Political Humor | Energy Independence: The Perot Plan

Satire
The following is a paid Public Service Announcement by H. Ross Perot.

Howdy, I’m Ross Perot and I have a better energy plan for America.

We’ll get to it in a few minutes but first we need to get a few things straight.

Most of you may not remember me, but I ran for President in 1992 and 1996 as the Reform Party candidate. But some of you people are still blamin’ me for allowin’ Clinton to end up in the White House. I say stop your snivelin’, you bunch of whinny babies. I made you stronger by havin’ to put up that slimy polecat of a politician… and her philanderin’ husband.

Let’s get this out in the open, I’m a self-made billionaire. Five million, that ain’t rich. Seven houses? Why I think I bought twice that many just last week, I really don’t know. Prices are way down, so it’s a good time to invest. You may think that I support John McCain after sayin’ that. No sir. That dog don’t hunt. I supported a man who knows how to run a country like a business, Mitt Romney.

But it’s time to get down to where the rubber meets the road.

The state of our fine country today has me concerned. On this first chart here you can see the economic out-look for the next four years as compared to the price of tea in China from 1938 until today.

Now you may be askin’, “what’s that got to do with my ability to fill my gas tank on an ever dwindlin’ paycheck”. Nothin’. It’s got nothin’ to do with nothin’. Just like all the idiotic speeches given by the all them self-servin’, say anythin’, do nothin’ but harm, Water Moccasins in Washington.

Speakin’ of Washington. Do you know what Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, and Teddy Roosevelt all have in common? They’re good politicians, that’s what. Why? ‘Cause the only good politician is a dead one. That’s why. Are you listenin’ to what I’m saying?

War has rules, mud wrestling has rules - politics has no rules.
H. Ross Perot.

Their ain’t no way you’re gettin’ the truth out of either Obama or McCain, while they’re yammerin’ about how they’re goin’ to fix somethin’, when they don’t even know how it’s put together. Tire pressure, my big ears. They’re incompetent. I wouldn’t let either of them supervise the trash removal at one of my offices.

On top of that, I don’t trust ‘em as far as I can throw either of ‘em. I ask you, which one would you let your daughter marry?

And they’re both out there flappin’ their gums in the wind, about how they’re the only ones that can get us out of this energy mess… that they got us into! I say they, meanin’ politicians. They bought the bed with our money, made it,  and now they want us to sleep in it. It’s a cryin’ shame.

American can find its way out of this problem, but not with the current thinkin’.

T. Boone Pickens is a fellow Texas billionaire. He’s got a plan too. Yes, sir, he surely does. It’s called The Make T. Boone Pickens Richer Plan. You see, he’s heavily invested in the same snake-oil schemes that he’s peddlin’. Being an oil man, former conservative and all, you’d think he’d know that while we can’t just drill our way out of this problem, we can fight our way out of it.

It’s obvious that we’ve gotta stop tryin’ to make friends with folks who don’t want to be neighborly. We know what the problem is. We don’t need another Congressional study. I say, if you see a snake, just kill it - don’t appoint a committee on snakes. In plain Texas talk, it’s ‘do the right thing’.

I suppose this view makes me an activist. But as I’ve said before, ‘The activist is not the man who says the river is dirty. The activist is the man who cleans up the river.’ It’s time to stop jawin’ and start actin’.

Those belly scrapin’ shysters in Washington don’t want to tell you that almost all wars are about resources. War for oil? Damn straight.

Now you got them A-rab camel jockeys and their Persian kissin’ cousins holdin’ the world for ransom. Why, in 1979 when two of my employees were being held in Iran, I sent in Col. Bull Simmons. He and a small team got my people back. Action, I say.  Action is what we need.

I wasn’t for the first Gulf War but I can tell you it’s high time to get down to business and secure the future of our country, by keepin’ the oil flowin’. Think what we could do with the 82 Airborne and a little tactical air support.

That’ll keep them Rooskies from gainin’ another strangle hold on the oil the free world needs, like they’re tryin’ to do in Georgia. And if they don’t like it, well… they can go piss up a rope for all I give a hoot.

We could take care of our current needs while developin’ the massive oil resources we have right here in this country, and at the same time give us some breathin’ room to work on the technology-based energy sources of the future.

For more information about my plan to make America energy independent, visit my website at: www. PerotPlan.org.

Thank you and may you all have yellow roses bloom in your victory gardens.

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