Public Health Emergency: Swine Flu
Good evening, America. I am Janet Napolitano, and I am speaking to you in an effort to quell your fears about the recent epidemic of swine flu. Do not be afraid because your messiahPresident, and his apostles cabinet are coming up with innovative new solutions to combat this microbial menace.
Make no mistake, this is the worst public health disaster since the Black Death of the 1300′s. As such, we must act now. There is no time to waste. Currently, members of the House and Senate are working on bipartisan bills that look like Tolstoy novels. We know from past experience that legislation with more pages than the average trailer park resident can count make you sheep people feel like we are trying to help you. I mean, not that we aren’t. Trying to help you I mean. Well, as opposed to doing things solely to solidify the Democrats grip on…but I digress. Where was I?
Anyway, President Obama wants to make sure you people understand that now is not the time to get all xenophobic. Yes, we understand that the problem likely originated in Mexico, and spread here through our porous southern border. We also understand that it seems like common sense to start shoring up our borders and immigration policies. We will, however, not do any of those things that sound like good ideas.
What we are going to do is vote on this mammoth “Health Stimulus Bill” tomorrow even though it has 23,000 pages and would be humanly impossible to read in such a short amount of time. This bill is going to spend 14 trillion dollars on things such as AIDS research in Africa, creating solar power-plants, mag-lev trains, funding HAMAS education programs in Gaza, and lining the pockets of ACORN.
Remember, now is not the time to panic. The swine flu is only here to infect the people that American flu strains are too lazy to infect. Don’t go clinging to guns and bibles. You won’t be able to bring those to the camp…oops.
If you would like to read more of Janet Napolitano…oops…I mean JumpOut, you can find him writing law enforcement humor at You Should Be Tasered
Category: Political Humor Tags: Bailout, Caustic Sarcasm, Humour, immigration, Janet Napolitano, Mexico, Obama Funny, Political Humor, President Obama, Satire, Stimulus Package, Swine, Swine Flu Humor, Swine Flu Jokes
2004–2012
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Ha, everyone knows Mexican illegals came across the Canadian border! Who’s she trying to kid? Porous southern border, indeed. And what a hoax, $14trillion couldn’t even cover expenses for those already sick.
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Spot-on. The scary part is there’s a chance that some of this might not be too far from what may come.
I’d use “sheeple” instead of “sheep”. Other than that, wonderful stuph!
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No no no that video is all wrong.
First Jimbo Scott illegally obtained a monkey to sell on the black market but it had the swine flu. Then some scientist accidentally got infected in the lab then later sneezed in a movie theater.
Somewhere along the line General Ford and Col. Sam Daniels got involved, helping to save everyone.
No really, that is how it happened.
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Everyone knows that by solving the Middle East Crisis (apparently a crisis in motion remains a crisis until acted upon by US dollars. I think Einstein came up with that one) also solves all other problems in the world including climate change and swine flu.
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Sigh… Swine flu was created by the mad genius John McCain in retaliation of his Presidential defeat.
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At work we’ve been calling St. Mary’s virus, and positing that there is a connection between the fact that New York has the highest concentration of cases, and the scareforce one incident. Now they’re saying Obama and some of his apostles may have it. Eerie circumstances.
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There’s nothing funny about swine flu. Except the way the media is covering it:
NYC Stops Pig Latin Speakers To Stem Swine Flu