or, Also Sprach Eine Sweinhund (German translation)
For the first time in my life, I’m truly frightened. I can read the writing on the wall all too clearly now. Every last letter is in perfect focus.
This is why my stomach hurts, why my sphincter is acting so erratically.
It’s highly possible, that this will be my last posting. Time is running out faster than almost any one of us could have imagined. It’s been a good run. We’ve had some laughs but now the laugh is on us.
I’m very afraid, but not for our future. We don’t have one.
This is going to be difficult for some of you to hear, but I now believe that Albert A. Gore is The Prophet, the Overman. He has foretold the coming apocalypse with uncanny accuracy. The truth of this is undeniable, if not down right inconvenient.
I, like many of you, scoffed at this wise man’s predictions. But unlike you, I delved deeper into his prognostications. There I discovered for my self, just how dire is our predicament.
The climate crisis is, indeed, extremely dangerous. In fact it is a true planetary emergency. Albert A. Gore, An Inconvenient Truth
For amusement, I started to keep hourly records of the temperature, to prove -I thought- him a fool. I placed an electronic thermometer, with a multi-day memory, outside my door.
Then I waited and I watched.
At first, it seemed idyllic, cyclic…innocent. The temperature rising and falling in tune with the hours of the days. One could easily be drawn under the hypnotic spell of this deadly lullaby. Thereby leaving ones self vulnerable to their deceptive suggestions, to the lies of the deniers, as I had once been.
As The Prophet said it would, initially the chart I constructed did seem to climb and descend with an eerie, more or less predictable, rhythmic pattern. Almost like the beating of the earth’s own heart. But it soon became obvious that this heartbeat was growing noticeable faster, heading for tachycardia
Albert A. Gore had the paddles in his hands. He was only waiting for the “All clear” signal from us. Then he (and only he) could have averted this imminent calamity.
The Prophet had tried to give us hope. He said that if we would just follow his commandments, this global crisis might not kill us. The world might yet be saved. Then we would emerge from it, better as a race, stronger.
The Overman flew around the world, in his private jet, spreading the gospel. He shamed us by his unselfish, personal sacrifice of purchasing carbon offset credits. He admonished us for our sinful use of incandescent lights and espoused the virtues of a simpler, less industrialized lifestyle.
He warned us about the false prophets, those who would deny the coming changes. He predicted the storms of disaster with unerring accuracy.
But we didn’t listen, and our inability to see the truth, inflicted upon him a great nausea. Which he has since passed on to us all.
Weeks went by and then months. Beginning my chart in early January, I noticed a decline in the overall global temperature, lasting until late February. I see now that this was but an anomaly.
A few weeks later, the graph, corresponding to the temperature readings taken outside of my house, started to show a steep rise. The angle sharpened dramatically, with regular, geometric progression, as the days went on.
What at first was just a degree or two, with spring came an increase that was genuinely shocking. Faster and still faster the red line ascended my graph, at an alarming rate! Ten degrees warmer, twenty degrees warmer! The snow melted. Plants started to green!
Thirty degrees now and still climbing exponentially! I’ve calculated the rise. By mid-summer it will be well over 500 hundred degrees on planet earth, with no end in sight!
Why didn’t we listen to him! Why!
Make peace with your god, if you still believe in one. The end is near. The end is near.
*Footnote: Any resemblance between this scholarly work and that of the hack Friedrich Nietzsche is purely coincidental. The author was not even aware of his scribblings in something called Thus Spake Zarathustra nor of his trashy homo novels, The Gay Sciences until someone pointed it out to him. Besides he wrote in German and obviously had a sexual identity crisis. The author briefly considered suing Nietzsche for plagiarism but discovered that he had most conveniently died 108 years ago.
Any resemblance to our 45th Vice President is also purely coincidental and all virtues and powers attributed to him in this piece should be considered fictional in nature as well as in fact.
©2008 by Les James (if that really is his name)
Humor-Blogs.com will keep you cool
This is entirely independent of this global warming satire post. Any resemblance is the result of great minds thinking alike.
2004–2008
14 responses so far ↓
1
Fiar
// Jun 18, 2008 at 2:31 pm
Should I convert my home into a walk in freezer yet? I want to be prepared for the 6000 degree weather when it arrives.
2
Les James
// Jun 18, 2008 at 5:20 pm
There’s no time. I heard today that Albert A. Gore’s home actually used 10% more energy after he made it enviro-mentally friendly. All hope is lost.
3
Augusto
// Jun 18, 2008 at 5:55 pm
Poor poor Al has been much maligned for his efforts.
Reading this I was perplexed as to how we could be in the horrific foolishly war-mongering nightmarishly incompetent administration of our 43rd president yet a previous administration could have enjoyed the services of the 45 VP. I must investigate this. I suppose some VP’s went ary like the highly esteemed Spiro Agnew who had to leave the the vice presidency for tax evasion prison. So that is one, now I must find the other….I suppose the thought that the Dick cheney has dropped out is too much wishful thinking.
4
Les James
// Jun 18, 2008 at 6:51 pm
Somalia and Bosnia –both unilateral- lots of UN peace keeping crap in the Iraq no-fly-zone and a few miscellaneous air strikes and other actions occurred in the piece loving (misspelling intended) administration of one Bill the 42nd President and Al the 45th V.P.’s 8 years. I guess taking action when U.S. citizens, property and military personnel killed, captured, or destroyed wasn’t going to look good in the polls. So there.
Want to see how this strange V.P. number thing worked out? Check out presidentsusa.net/presvplist. Interesting reading.
5
Daniel
// Jun 18, 2008 at 7:00 pm
Somalia, Panama, Granada, Bosnia
Ok, but all added together had nowhere near the impact in lives, injuries or financial costs of Iraq and at least in those there was either a genocide underway or direct American interests were threatened.
Can’t see that as being relevant to Iraq but I’m sure you will be able to educate me on how I’m wrong.
6
Ryan Hupfer
// Jun 18, 2008 at 7:37 pm
Wow, I knew that Al Gore invented the Internet, but I had no clue that he was a prophet…huh, who knew?
p.s. ‘why my sphincter is acting so erratically’
I love when you let us know the current status of your sphincter. Maybe you should create it a Twitter account?
7
Les James
// Jun 18, 2008 at 7:38 pm
It’s called satire for a reason.
While I can see how it looks a lot like CNN, NBC or most major newspapers or news organizations -since they seem to believe that facts are a bi-product of the story, not the body (Get it? Facts are an excreated matter. Never mind) I fail to see how your line of questioning is relevant to the story line.
I hope this helps.
P.S. I don’t even get Fox news. So don’t go there, girlfriend.
8
Fiar
// Jun 18, 2008 at 8:07 pm
Would the sphincter be using the Twitter account to promote it’s own blog?
Editorial note: See, people? Do you see how to get my attention?
9
Ryan Hupfer
// Jun 18, 2008 at 8:17 pm
Well, I hear that most sphincters are a little ADD, so managing that much technology could be asking way too much of a muscle that general stay busy maintaining constriction of natural body passages.
(I got that from Wikipedia, God bless them.)
10
april
// Jun 19, 2008 at 9:15 am
funny post..hope your sphincter calms down…good luck with that
11
Augusto
// Jun 19, 2008 at 12:27 pm
I understand a twitching sphincter is the newest big status symbol in political commentary and reporting circles. Especially on Fox…oh wait, that might be a clinched sphincter.
12
Fiar
// Jun 19, 2008 at 2:09 pm
I wouldn’t know. I don’t watch the news.
13
Chris C.
// Jun 19, 2008 at 3:04 pm
“Make peace with your god, if you still believe in one. The end is near. The end is near.”
All our base are belong to Gore?
14
Insolublog
// Jun 21, 2008 at 10:42 pm
I only hope that the planet can hold on, just long enough for me to reach my natural death at a ripe old age.
I hope alien Scientology Thetan archeologists, will be able to directly, correlate the death of the Earth with the death of yours truly, in much the same way weird Al correlated the death of the earth, with man made CO2.
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