Political Humor

In this recurring humor advice column, President Obama responds to reader questions about beating hippies, Senate seats, blogging, and more.

Dear Mr. President,

I’ve done well for myself and now I find that a few of my relatives are not so fortunate. I have a strange feeling that comes over me once in a while. It’s kind of like I feel like I should help them. WWOD?

Sincerely,

Moneybags

Mr. Moneybags, lucky for you, I have extensive personal experience in this area, including a half brother, and an aunt. These feelings are common among the excessively wealthy. Many times, those who succeed begin to have feelings that they should do more to act as benefactors to their family members. Do not worry about these feelings. The Federal Government exists to spread the wealth around to the less fortunate. It’s not your responsibility, so just let the guilt go.

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Oh great and wise savior of humanity,

A friend gave me a pet hippie for Christmas. At first I was very enthusiastic about my gift. I was going to hang it upside down in my shed and use it as a heavy bag to practice my haymakers and roundhouse kicks. I was even assured that there was no need to feed my new pet hippie. However, the damned thing does nothing but whine incessantly. It’s literally nonstop.

The fact is, the stupid thing just won’t shut the f^^k up, no matter what I do. I tried putting a bag over it’s head to trick it into thinking it’s night time. I even tried beating it harder in the hopes that I could beat some sense into it. But all it does is whine, “blah blah civil rights, blah blah blah torture, bitch and moan UN Charter, wah wah wah!”

So, my question is, do I pretend like it’s a wonderful gift, and thank my friend for his thoughfulness, or tell him the truth – that his gift sucks? What would Obama do?

~ Confused in Coatesville

First, let me say that I do not condone beating hippies. Racketeering, shady land deals, corruption, and befriending domestic terrorists is more my gig. There’s a saying, “don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.” I don’t know what that means, maybe I will figure that out just as soon as I get this bucket unstuck from my head. But one thing is sure, hold on to what you’ve got. My administration will seek to strip you of everything you own, including your pet hippie.

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Dear Obama,

I am a liberal blogger but since Starbucks has banned me for having a pet ferret I had to find other places to find free wifi. There was the local McDonald’s but it closed due to Bush’s financial policies. Now I have nowhere to blog from.

My only options are: quit blogging and end my promotion of the Democratic mantra or sue Starbucks to allow me to blog there with my pet ferret.

What would Obama do?

~ SuperLiberal

Fight the power! Don’t let the man get you down. Rome wasn’t built in a day. I’m sure there are a few more motivational cliches I could throw your way including something or other about hope and change, but I will simply state that you need to keep fighting the good fight.

Bloggers like you are the bread and butter of America. You are our last best hope. A winner never quits and a quitter never wins. Policy-wise, I am planning on building an all encompassing free wifi network, so if you don’t find someplace to blog from soon, just wait until the infrastructure is in place. I project it will be fully functional by about 2048. Just never give up.

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Obama, I am a highly unqualified senatorial hopeful from Massachusetts New York. However, the world saw my father’s brains get blown out on film, so doesn’t that make me qualified . . . not matter how much of an idiot I am?

(Also, I could not fill out this form in crayon. What would Obama do?)

~ CKNY

Once again, I would like to remind people that the questions you send to What Would Obama Do? are completely anonymous. I would never make a government employee dig into your background, or send truth squads out to silence you. So, to answer your question Caroline Kennedy, there is no need to have any form of experience to be a successful Senator. You don’t even need to show up for work most of the time, and when you do, all you need to do is vote “Present.”

I was a Senator who never did anything but give a rousing speech once, and I got elected President. For further evidence that no experience or intelligence is required, see also Kennedy, Edward. Being directly related to a former President, quite honestly, makes you overqualified for the job. If I weren’t already elected President, I would say that is the position you should seek.

As for your difficulties with the form, you’re supposed to hire the peasantry to do such mundane tasks. Filling out forms is beneath you.

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I hate you. WWOD about that?

~ JumpOut

I’m sorry to hear that. We currently have government employees digging into your background. Truth squads have already been dispatched to silence you. You will be sent to a reeducation camp, and will not be released until you see the light.

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That concludes this edition of the What Would Obama Do? humor advice column. As a disclaimer, I would like to point out that you really should not take advice from a conservative humor and satire site, or any conservative at all – ever for that matter. Also, don’t take advice from empty headed, empty suits that get elected on the basis of no substance whatsoever. If you do choose to follow any of the advice, we are not responsible for any resulting injury, bankruptcy, impotence, divorce, or death that may result.

Feel free to leave your questions for President Obama in the comments section.

I have a problem with people throwing shoes at me. Everywhere I go, people throw shoes at me. Many shoe throwing parodies have been created at my expense, and there is even a shoe throwing website in my “honor.” Also, my employer is oftem polled as to how satisfied they are with my job performance, and I am told that my approval rating is less than the margin of error. I don’t know why. It makes me feel like people don’t like me. What would Obama do?

~ George1600

First, I want you to know that all questions directed to What Would Obama Do are completely anonymous. I would never break the trust and confidence of a person seeking hope and change. Most importantly, get out of the White House as soon as possible. Don’t wait until your term is officially over. Pack up your things and get out. Yesterday isn’t soon enough.

As for avoiding the shoes, I usually use my aura of white light and higher consciousness to protect me. It’s kind of like using the force. Also, I often get my head stuck in a bucket. This would seem embarrassing to most people, but I have found that it offers great protection from shoes being thrown at the head.

I understand that Bill Clinton has a great deal of experience at dodging flying objects. I know it’s not what Obama would do, but I have consulted with Bill on a variety of topics, including all of my Cabinet choices. He has said that he finds sleeping in separate quarters helps, but I’m not sure if that is applicable in your particular case. Outside of that, he says 30 minutes of Tae Chi every morning helps keep him limber and agile. I hope that helps.

If your out of hope, and trying to change, but don’t know how, ask your questions of What Would Obama Do? Of course, you might ask, what experience to I have giving advice to people in an advice column. I did give a rousing speech once, and it got me elected president. So, none really. Ask your questions in the comments section.

Disclaimer: Do not take your advice from a political humor site. If you do, then you are an idiot and we are not liable for your results.