Political Humor

Part Two of an Unbelievably Quotable, Genus of a Paper

In Part One of my Wow! I can’t believe no one thought of this sooner solution to every problem …ever, we saw that Free Radicals, caused by the metabolization of oxygen, are the true cause of the Earth’s issues. This time we look at the solutions.

Simple steps can be immediately taken to reduce the effects of Free Radicals upon, not only our economy, but also the health of the entire world. Let’s look at some of the major contributors of oxygen, and find solutions.

I call for massive deforestation of the Amazon. This will go a long way to helping reduce the land-based production of oxygen and open up a lot of space for farming. Next, clear cut all old growth forest. We all know the elderly are useless anyway, and should be removed for the betterment of society.

Now we turn to the ocean. Pollution seems the most effective way to curb plankton growth. So, to save the planet, we must dump our waste into the sea.

Automobiles are terrible for the air we breathe. We ‘re going to have to outlaw catalytic converters. They put water vapor into the atmosphere, a leading cause of Global Warming. There are many other methods we can employ to bring down the oxygen in our atmosphere, but these will constitute a good beginning.

Admittedly, a first it may be difficult for some to cope with a lower O2 content in the air. I believe that my many mountaineering experiences from 16,500 to 22,500 feet, proves that the decreased pressure –much the same as decreased oxygen levels – which reduce reasoning ability, will not be noticed, since mostly, we will all suffer the same debilitating effects.

Everyone’s dumb at altitude. Except for idiots. They aren’t affected. This is how we level the economic playing field. America is great because of our ability to reason and problem solve. With those gifts eliminated, the rest of the world will be on an equal footing with us.

Just think of it. We can reduce Global Warming, increase the health of all oxygen breathing life forms, slow down decay by rust, and best of all, Save the Planet from Free Radicals. Finally, we have Science We Can Believe In.

If you can’t see the Truth in this, it’s because you simply don’t have the smarts to understand. This tells me you aren’t a true American, and are probably just a Stupid Mouth Breathing Foreigner, and therefore, an idiot.

Or, you might be running our country, and therefore…

This week’s edition of Political Humor Quick Hits is about Gore’s firing, Obama’s newly-found testes, and light bulbs.

Gore Told to Stay Home

Al Gore has warned the world about CO2 being a pollutant as far back as the first time he figured out he could profit from a society ignorant in basic science knowledge.

I am kidding of course. Al Gore does not much about science either. He gives a hell of a sales pitch though, enough to win a Nobel Peace Prize.

Yet, for all the tireless work he has done to con-vince people CO2 has killed millions of every species on the planet already, Nancy Pelosi told him to stay home last week and work the phones instead:

“It’s a question of what was energy efficient for the vice president,” Pelosi said of the decision to keep Gore in Tennessee. “We were narrowing the list of the undecideds. We had a great narrowing of the undecideds.”

Wow. I know Pelosi thinks she runs the Democratic Party but she essentially told the spokesperson for the Climate Change Boogeyman to do the job of a political staffer.

Does Jerry Lewis tell his celebrity guests to man the phones during his telethons?

Even though Gore lost his job as Head Whiner On Climate Change he is probably crying crocodile tears. He does have that cap-and-trade company of his to fall back on.

Obama Talks Tough About Democracy

Our President recently let his thoughts on democracy be known:

In Washington, Obama said the United States will “stand on the side of democracy” and work with other nations and international groups to resolve the matter peacefully.

Was he talking about Iran?

No, silly. They have nukes. He said this about Honduras, a nation following the historic tradition of Latin American countries over the weekend:

Police and soldiers clashed with thousands of protesters outside Honduras’ national palace Monday, leaving at least 15 people injured, as world leaders from Barack Obama to Hugo Chavez demanded the return of a president ousted in a military coup.

The key to Democratic diplomacy, well besides appeasement, is only say harsh words about countries that you know you can easily beat. Or the ones that oust other leftist leaders.

The moonbats do have to stick up for their own after all.

“We believe that the coup was not legal and that President Zelaya remains the democratically elected president there,” Obama said.

Yeah, that is the funny thing about a coup: they don’t check with their lawyers first.

Obama Rewards GE With Light Bulb Sales

File this one under the “taking care of those who got me elected” section…

Aiming to keep the focus on climate change legislation, President Barack Obama put a plug in for administration efforts to make lamps and lighting equipment use less energy:

“I know light bulbs may not seem sexy, but this simple action holds enormous promise because 7 percent of all the energy consumed in America is used to light our homes and businesses,” the president said, standing alongside Energy Secretary Steven Chu at the White House.

Au contraire Mr. President. Revenue enhancement is very sexy to General Electric, a company which coincidentally gave over $2 million dollars to the Democrats in 2008.

Of course it is also just coincidence that GE put off selling their lighting division back in December.

Funny, when it comes to the Republicans everything they do is a concerted conspiracy. When it comes to Democrats these things are simply coincidences.

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Political Humor Quick Hits is a weekly commentary on the news/current events written by Chris Cameron every Tuesday. You can also read his other weekly column here every week as well as his own humor blog Angry Seafood.

Is it just me, or is it time for Al Gore to shut the fuck up? I know Al Gore likes to think of himself as the smartest man alive, and the media likes to gargle his nads, but I have to think that there is a better time to release a global warming book than in November. I mean, it was snowing in South Louisiana about that time last year.

If you live in Minnesota, and you’re freezing your ass off, no shit, I mean you’re shivering, and your ass literally falls off from the cold, do you really want to read some bunk science from Al Gore? Wouldn’t you want to stab Al Gore in the eye with a rusty spoon when you read “The Earth has a fever…” after you just lost your ass to the bitter cold? I’m just sayin’.

I know to dissent from the opinions of the all-knowing Goracle is a hate crime against Gaia and all, and E.L.F. hippie commandos are planning a raid on my house right now (bring it, pussies), but at what point does common sense come in and kick global warming hysterics in the face? I’m no climatological geothermal high priest to the altar of the religion of global warming, but the snake oil these hippies are selling doesn’t pass the smell test. When you can’t accurately predict the weather a week from now, don’t pretend to know what the weather will be ten years from now. Or, in other words, don’t piss down my back and tell me the climate is changing.

Forgive my cynicism, but since when have hippies been right about anything? I mean these people used to be the champions of doing copious amounts of drugs, listening to shitty music, and shagging anything with a hole and a heartbeat. I don’t trust ‘em. They vilify developed nations as being the rapers of the Earth, but they fail to see the fact that the third-world, shithole, “developing” nations pollute the most. And in their eco-insanity, the hippies fight the exportation of modern technology that could clean up these shitholes. When the founder of Greenpeace quits because his little rabble of jolly eco-pirates became raving lunatic commies, that should tell you something.

The problem is that these disingenuous assclowns have an ulterior motive. Be it Marxism like what you see with Greenpeace, or good old fashioned greed like you see with the Goracle, they’re using these environmental concerns as a vehicle to push other agendas. That sets off my bullshit detector.

Well, I will say this about old uncle Al. He is a charitable bastard. He plans to donate all the proceeds from this new book, titled “Our Choice”, to charity. That’s right, he’ll be giving all that money to the Alliance for Climate Protection. Pay no attention to the fact that the chairman of the board of directors for the Alliance for Climate Protection is Al Gore.

Insert pithy comment about JumpOut’s law enforcement humor blog You Should Be Tasered here ________