Political Humor

Barack Obama is in the Oval Office with Bob Gibbs…

Obama: “Bob, send that Jon Favreau kid in here. I need a speech written and I also want to compliment him on the great job he did in Couples Retreat.”

Bob: “That’s another Jon Favreau sir, the actor and director. Our John is the youngest speech writer ever, remember?”

Obama: “Yes, that’s right. I’ve been so busy getting things done in my first nine months I got them confused.”

Jon enters the Oval Office and sits down across from Obama.

Jon: “You needed me sir?”

Obama: “Jon, no need to salute me. Put your right hand and arm down.”

Jon: “Yes sir.”

Obama: “Jon, I’m going to Switzerland tomorrow and I need a good speech. I want to let them know that even though we have been enemies we hold out our hand in peace.”

Jon: “I think Switzerland is a neutral country.”

Obama: “Let me be clear. We must have something to apologize to them for.”

Jon: “Hmm they did recently arrest Roman Polanski.”

Obama: “He’s not supposed to be arrested. He’s one of us. How did that happen?”

Bob: “You authorized Eric Holder to sign off on the arrest warrant.”

Obama: “Oh yes, I remember now. I’ve been so busy with the Olympics and making decisions on Afghanistan…have you seen my Nobel Prize Jon?”

Jon: “You’ve shown it to me numerous times. Quite remarkable I might add. About the speech…”

Obama: “Of course. Let’s apologize for arresting Polanski then.”

Jon: “Done and done.”

Bob: “Only seventy-three more countries on the appeasement list.”

Obama: “Who’s next?”

Bob: “Luxembourg.”

Obama: “Jon, include them too in the speech. Apologize for World War Two.”

Jon: “I think they were our allies.”

Obama: “Make no mistake. We must have done something to offend them, especially in the last eight years.”

Jon: “I’ll add a line or two about Bush’s policies.”

Obama: “Good. That should do it. One thing though Jon. Save your energy because we have a big speech to write next week.”

Jon: “China sir?”

Obama: “You bet. We have to apologize for the Dali Lama’s visit.”

Jon: “But you didn’t meet with him.”

Obama: “We let him come to America. China must be mad at us.”

Bob: “We did order the Empire State Building to use red and yellow lighting to mark the anniversary of communist China.”

Obama: “Yes but make no mistake. We owe them an apology.”

Jon: “So is that it sir? I’d like to get started on the speech.”

Obama: “You may go.”

Jon leaves the Oval Office

Obama: “Damn it!”

Bob: “What is it sir?”

Obama: “I forgot to ask him when Iron Man II is coming out.”

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Chris Cameron is a writer/columnist/beat reporter for Radioactive Liberty. You can also read his odd form of mostly non-political humor at his blog Angry Seafood.

Dear World:

I’m Sorry. I’m sorry you had to view the uncomfortable display of our President on his apology tour of the world. I know it was a hard thing to witness. I have to think it was like watching the Bridges of Madison County. You have America (fuck yeah!) who, like Clint Eastwood, has spent most of its career developing an image of kickassery and awesomeness. Then you have Barack Obama acting like Clint Eastwood in Bridges of Madison County. All of our fans around the world must have been like, “WTF?”

Maybe it was less like Bridges of Madison County, and more like Hugh Jackman hosting the Oscars. Hugh Jackman played Wolverfreakingrine. America is very much like Wolverine. We have kickass retractable claws, and we are unbreakable. Barack Obama is alot like Hugh Jackman at the Oscars. I mean Barack might as well have said, “America is super, thanks for asking.”

Reagrdless of the comparison, it must have been pretty uncomfortable to watch President Obama shed his, and his country’s manhood on a worldwide stage. He’s all like “I’m sorry my country acted like a dick”. Where the hell is Marlon Brando when you need him? Oh, yeah, he’s dead.

Did John Wayne apologize to Robert Duvall after he shot his ass? Hell no! Did Admiral Nimitz Apologize to Tojo after smashing his fleet in the Pacific? Hell no! Where the hell does our wiener in Chief get off breaking tradition and apologizing to a bunch of people whose asses we either have kicked already, or might possibly kick in the future?

I feel sorry for you, world. It looks like this huggy-feelgood, hopeychange will be going on for a while. I hope you foreign folks can keep your tea and crumpets down while President Obama is blowing rainbows up your knickers.

You can rest assured, though, that there are still good, old fashioned, patriotic Americans here that won’t apologize for our greatgrand fathers stomping mudholes in your asses. Nor will we apologize for our grandfathers walking the aforementioned mudholes dry. You can rest assured that even though our President is out prostrating himself before fancy princes in frilly hats, America is still the beacon for kickassery and awesomeness to the world. So, world, I give you a hearty fuck you, and I look forward to kicking your ass in the future.

If you are a foreigner that needs his ass kicked, you can find JumpOut at his law enforcement humor blog, You Should Be Tasered.