Political Humor

Good evening, America. I am Janet Napolitano, and I am speaking to you in an effort to quell your fears about the recent epidemic of swine flu. Do not be afraid because your messiahPresident, and his apostles cabinet are coming up with innovative new solutions to combat this microbial menace.

Make no mistake, this is the worst public health disaster since the Black Death of the 1300′s. As such, we must act now. There is no time to waste. Currently, members of the House and Senate are working on bipartisan bills that look like Tolstoy novels. We know from past experience that legislation with more pages than the average trailer park resident can count make you sheep people feel like we are trying to help you. I mean, not that we aren’t. Trying to help you I mean. Well, as opposed to doing things solely to solidify the Democrats grip on…but I digress. Where was I?

Anyway, President Obama wants to make sure you people understand that now is not the time to get all xenophobic. Yes, we understand that the problem likely originated in Mexico, and spread here through our porous southern border. We also understand that it seems like common sense to start shoring up our borders and immigration policies. We will, however, not do any of those things that sound like good ideas.

What we are going to do is vote on this mammoth “Health Stimulus Bill” tomorrow even though it has 23,000 pages and would be humanly impossible to read in such a short amount of time. This bill is going to spend 14 trillion dollars on things such as AIDS research in Africa, creating solar power-plants, mag-lev trains, funding HAMAS education programs in Gaza, and lining the pockets of ACORN.

Remember, now is not the time to panic. The swine flu is only here to infect the people that American flu strains are too lazy to infect. Don’t go clinging to guns and bibles. You won’t be able to bring those to the camp…oops.

If you would like to read more of Janet Napolitano…oops…I mean JumpOut, you can find him writing law enforcement humor at You Should Be Tasered

Hooray the Banks are Rescued

After spending the weekend in the US Treasury basement printing money, Tim Geithner revealed his new bank rescue plan: buy the toxic loans for a trillion dollars.

And by toxic, I mean the same ones we were supposed to buy back in November for $700 billion. That’s  a $300 billion dollar increase by the way for those keeping score.

No wonder AIG and the two FM’s are handing out bonuses. Not only did their employees lose trillions of dollars, but they grew the worth of craptastic assets labeled with one of the most-negative adjectives in the English language by nearly thirty percent in just four months.

Those are the kind of people you want to give retention pay to. Anyone that can increase the value of something “toxic” is a genius. They are  the Johnnie Cochrans of finance.

Wait a minute…he’s dead.

(Thanks to Luke Mullins of Yahoo Finance for the hazmat suit picture idea.)

Liberals Not Very Politically Correct Lately

We all know Obama likened his bowling score to that of a Special Olympics athlete. But were you aware Barney Frank topped our Messiah-In-Chief  by calling SCJ Antonin Scalia a homophobe?

“I wouldn’t want it (gay marriage) to go to the United States Supreme Court now because that homophobe Antonin Scalia has too many votes on this current court”

So I guess it is okay now to be politically incorrect. Obama you should wear a helmet instead of a bucket. Barney Frank you fag.

Don’t get mad at me, I’m just following the example of our leaders, the ones we can throw out of office if we so choose.

I’m looking at you Massachusetts.

Farting No Longer Legal

Is this the first step towards cap and trade for Methane? From the news story:

“An eighth-grader was suspended from riding the school bus for three days after being accused of passing gas. The bus driver wrote on a misbehavior form that a 15-year-old teen passing gas on the bus Monday to make the other children laugh, creating a stench so bad that it was difficult to breathe.”

I may be guilty of giving a past girlfriend or four the Dutch Oven but none of them ever died as a result. I think this news item is flatulent in its accuracy but troublesome at the same time, especially when I read this line later in the article:

“A 13-year-old student at a Stuart school was arrested in November after authorities said he broke wind in class.”

Arrested for farting? What kind of world do we live in when passing gas is now a misdemeanor, or worse a felony at some point in the future?

It is a shameful day in America when “carpet bombing” is considered illegal.

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Political Humor Quick Hits is written by Chris Cameron every Tuesday exclusively for Radioactive Liberty.

Hi, I’m JO the Roofer. Remember me? I’m the guy you hired to redo your roof last time. I know it didn’t go very well. It leaked, and ruined your floors, and I’m sure you’re pissed. I know your furniture is ruined, and the toxic mold in your walls from all the moisture is a real bummer. I also understand how angry you are about the amount of water pouring through ruining your foundation. I want you to know one thing: It’s not my fault.

This is a dire emergency, and to fix it we’ll have to act fast. If you wait any longer, the mold could kill you and with the foundation problems, your house might fall on your head! Your whole family will die if you don’t do this IMMEDIATELY! You have no time to think about it, or come up with your own plan! I know it sounds crazy, but you have to trust me since I did such a great job with your roof! Do you want your family to die? With all my experience as a roofer, I know just what to do that’ll fix everything!

First, you need to borrow money that you don’t have, as much as you can get, and give it to me. For your family not to die, it’ll have to be a lot of money. Your house is too important to let it fall down and start over.

Next, what I’m going to do is take your money, and give it to some of my cousins. I have a cousin that does foundation work, and his business is failing, so he’ll get some. I also have a cousin that does mold remediation, and his business is also in trouble, so he’ll get some. But wait, there’s more! I have still another cousin who owns a flooring business, and guess what! His business is failing to and we’ll give him some money! And I’ll take some money, and we’ll rebuild your house.

What? You don’t trust my cousins? Why not? I taught them everything they know about construction. Don’t worry though, I’m going to appoint a few of my brothers-in-law to oversee the work. I taught them everything they know, too. It’ll be fine! We’ll fix all this, you’ll see. Trust me!

Wait! What are your doing? Why are you hitting me!? OW!!! Not in the FACE!!!!

If you liked this, you’ll love JumpOut’s Law Enforcement Humor and Political Satire blog, You Should Be Tasered!