Political Humor

Our scene opens in a very dark place.

“Damn, who farted?”

“Wasn’t me.”

“Me either.”

“Or me.”

“Likewise.”

“Ditto.”

“How many people are in here?”

“Quite a few.”

“Hell if I know.”

“A lot.”

“Did someone say Hell?”

“Yeah, I did. Why?”

“Because that’s something I know a lot about.”

“Shit, there’s that smell again.”

“Wow. It’s like rotten eggs.”

“It’s brimstone.”

“What?”

“He said, it’s brimstone!”

“I heard him.”

“Karen, is that you?”

“Roger? Yeah, it’s me, and I’ve got the entire board of directors with me.”

“Hi Roger.”

“Where in the Hell are we?”

“Oh, so close, but no bailout bucks.”

“Huh?”

“He said…”

“I heard him!”

“You’re in my bed.”

“What do you mean in your bed? There’s not enough room to lay down, and even if I wanted to, it’s ankle deep in some kind of nasty muck.”

“Well, you weren’t really expecting to find heavenly comfort in the Devil’s bed, where you?”

“In the what?”

“He said, in the Devil’s bed.”

“I know what he said. I’m not deaf, you know. That was a rhetorical what.”

“I don’t think you can use what in a rhetorical manner. There are certain elements of speech…”

“Oh, shut up!”

“Can someone find a light switch. I can’t see my hand in front of my face.”

“Don’t bother. I plan to keep you in the dark. Just like the terms of our little agreement.”

“That not fair.”

“Who ever said the Devil was fair?”

“Hey, over here in the corner. What’s this about being in bed with the Devil?”

“It’s very easy my friends. You took TARP money and other bailout funds, and now you’re in bed with me. Simple, see?

“I shouldn’t be here. My bank paid all the borrowed funds back… with interest.”

“Don’t matter, you’re not going anywhere. It was never about the money. I don’t care if any of you ever pay back one red cent.”

“Not about money! Surely you jest. It’s always about money.”

“No it’s not, and don’t call me…arrrrgggg. Walked right into that one.”

“Well. If it’s not about money, what is it about?”

“The souls.”

“You want our souls?”

“No, you idiot. I’ve already got those. It’s your Wall Street institution’s, your bank’s and your car company’s souls I was after, and now I’ve got ‘em.”

“I want to go home. I want my mommy.”

“What a cry baby. I think I pitch fork you first.”

“Ouch! Hey, that hurt!”

“Now, I’m going to fork you over there in the face.”

“My eye!”

“Now you, in the butt.”

“Oh, fork me again big boy.”

“There’s always one. Oh well. Now I’ll fork you and you and… What the Hell, I think I’ll just fork the whole country.”

Whiny little… All I hear is, “Where’s the original Photoshop?” “How come you didn’t do a picture?” Fine. Here’s just what you asked for, a Photoshopped image from the scene above.

Are you happy now?

Dear Glorious Leader,

In the current global financial crisis, times are getting tough. With your plans to spread the wealth around, auto maker bailouts, banking industry bailouts, and many other proposed socialist programs, it seems that the only way to weather the storm is to more effectively save money. I have done as much as I can to clip coupons, buy things only when they are on discount, carpool to save on money on gas, and make my home more efficient at saving energy and money.

However it seems like once the across the board tax increases come, even these money saving measures will not be enough. I really need to know how to save a lot of money. What other money saving tips can you offer?

~ Strapped in Stratham

Before I get to my advice on saving money, I would like to clarify my position on taxes. Many people are under the misconception that I will raise taxes across the board, but this is not true. Taxes will only increase for the super, excessively wealthy, as defined by people that earn more than 150 dollars per year. Everyone that earns less than that will actually receive a tax cut.

Strapped, one thing is certain. You absolutely can not count on the financial institutions to keep your money safe. Forget stocks, mutual funds, and even low risk investments such as money market accounts. If we’ve learned one thing from this financial crisis, it’s that if you put your money in the bank, your money will wind up being used to give a half million dollar mortgage to a hobo.

While there are no easy ways to save money, I suggest investing in mattresses. Matresses are heavy, so it will not be easy for someone in the burgeoning industry of home invasion and burglary to steal your money. It won’t wind up being loaned to a hobo, and mattresses last for years.

However, after my policies are implemented, you will probably only need a crib mattress, because you really won’t have all that much money to stuff away into the mattress. I hope this has helped you horde away a little bit more of your spare change.

Disclaimer, don’t take your advice from a political humor site. We are not liable if you attempt to save money using any or all methods outlined in this humor advice column.

Next time we will take on some more of the reader submitted questions. Ask what would Obama do? in the comments section.