Political Humor

You might be a liberal. Find out now!

Ever wondered if you have what it takes to be a sensitive, environmental friendly, compassionate, tolerant person, worthy of the love of Obama? Well, it’s your lucky day!

There are a mere six simple steps to this test. That’s only half of a Twelve Step Program, and a whole lot more enjoyable. Good luck. He Who is Him may find favor with you.

Let’s get started

1. Since a follower of Marx is a Marxist, a follower of Mao is a Maoist, what is a follower of Obama?

A: Brilliantly capable of understanding nuance and seeing the Messiah’s Path as Holy, to be traveled without question.

B: Stupid

If you answered A, good going! Now, continue on to the next question. If you answered B, please try one more time, to find out if there is any hope for you at all.

2. The picture shows the back of President Obama’s head. To see his glorious face, hold your monitor in front of your bathroom mirror.

If you followed these instructions, congratulations! You’re well on your way to enlightenment. If you thought this exercise was a grand waste of time, suitable only for morons, get out of here you Racist, Bigoted, Homophobic, Hater!

3. If you believe that Obama Care is a Right, should be available to all those who reside in the United States, and must be paid for by evil corporations and the wealthy, you…

A: Have turned over all free will to the Chosen One, as he knows what’s best for you. Praise be to Obama!

B: Are a Fascist.

Actually, it was a trick question, both are correct. Getting the answer half right still counts as a correct answer. If you didn’t answer the question, that’s okay. You still get to be counted as doing it, just like when you forget to vote. Remember it’s your heart felt motivation that matters, not actually achieving anything.

4. For the next section on the quiz, get a permanent marker. Now find these words, and circle them on your screen. Obama, Messiah, Liberal, Democrat.

Did you find them all? If you did, fantastic! If not, you’re still a wonder human being, and may yet sit as His Left Hand.

5. If you still believe in Global Warming…

A. What? Why wouldn’t I believe?

B. Clap your hands.

Either answer is just fine. You’ve got what it takes. Obama almost loves you, so don’t stop now!

6. Just one last section. This is where we test your loyalty. You must kill George W. Bush. The War Criminal is laughing at you and has to be stopped.

The devastating decisions Bush made, are still preventing our Leader, Barack Obama from achieving his earthly goals. The only way for Lord Obama to complete his mission, and you to attain Nirvana, is to rid the world of the failed policies of the past. Break the spell of this vile sorcerer!

This task will require a special piece of equipment. Go find a length of pipe, a steel rod, or other sharp metal object. It can’t have any kind of insulation on it. You will want to feel his life leaving his body, throughout your entirety.

Got a suitable skewer for slaying the Great Satan, who is Bush? Fantastic! Now, slam it through his black heart!

This concludes our test. If you’re reading this, you’re a big, fat loser, unable follow even the simplest of instructions. Never will you never walk in the light of  the Messiah. You’re a worthless failure. Worse than that, you suck!

But you may be able to find a small bit of redemption, you piece of crap. Obama demands you throw yourself under a bus.  He hasn’t got time to do it himself. Now go. GO! Don’t look at me that way. Get out of here! Find a speeding  Greyhound to stand in front of. You disgust me. That’s right, out the door. Off to the freeway with you.

[Wow! That was fun, and way easy too. Almost as much fun as running over dirty, stinking hippies with a Hummer! Obama voters got to be the most gullible idiots of this age. Darwin would be so proud of me.]

A Fascist Black Guy, a Radical Jew and a Greasy White Dude walk into the White House… Sounds like the beginning of a really bad joke, and it is. So, what’s the punchline? We get screwed. Told you it was bad.

In case you’ve been a hermit for the last year or so, the joke’s about Obama, Emanuel and Axelrod. As Chris C has observed, it’s not very funny when you have to explain it. Then again, what’s happening to our country isn’t very funny either.

Hey, there’s an upside -as in up your’s and up mine. I’ve been bent over the pork barrel so often that I’ve got splinters from my chin to my shins. There’s a region in between those two areas that’s really complaining, both the front and the back. Which brings me (slowly) to today’s observation. It’s about getting screwed by people who’ll even lie to you about respect in the morning. And here I thought prostitution was illegal in DC. Guess not, since we’re paying these ass clowns very well to pork us.

Speaking of aberrant sex practices, I think I finally understand all the fuss about those gay, lesbian, trans-gender, and other twisted individuals, rights. Personally, I don’t understand the attraction, but then again I’m an evil mongering, racist, bigoted, homophobic terrorist suspect. And even worse, a conservative. Gasp! So what do I know? But I’ve got a handle on the fuss -and it’s attached to a ten foot, one inch pole.

It’s all about gender-bending in Washington, DC. Something happens to people there, and it’s happening below the Beltway. Our elected representatives are afraid that the good folks who sent them to those offices will laugh and call them names, if they don’t enact laws to stop them. Why? It’s simple. Once they get there, they change.

Here’s what I’ve observed: Elected Democrat women turn into dicks and elected Republican men turn into pussies. You’ve seen the results for yourself. Nancy Pelosi is the biggest dick I’ve come across in a long time.

Name for me more than a handful of Republican men in the House, who aren’t ready to drop trow and willingly let Nancy ram home some extremely painful legislation. Can’t, can you? That’s because they’re pussies! At least Barry Frank is honest about liking it. The only time he’s eager to cross the aisle, is when he’s rushing to get in line.

It’s the same in the other chamber. Harry Reid -who secretly is a very ugly woman, with a giant strap-on- runs around shoving it down the throats of almost every Republican in sight. And they don’t even gag. Larry Craig taps out code with his foot for seconds.

Okay, I’ve been beating around the bush long enough. The title ask, How are Democrats and Republicans Different? Here’s the answer: Dems like to screw everybody in sight, and Repubs -male, female and whatever- are eagerly sticking it where the sun don’t shine. So by being submissive -rolling over and exposing their throats and genitals- Republicans still screw us. The bottom line ends up with very little practical difference.

If all this makes you want to gag, join the club. It’s big and getting a lot bigger. Promise, no hazing.

Bonus Feature.

Bonus -as in extra, not the Government Bonus. You know the one. We bend over, they bone us. Fine, it’s an old joke, but it’s still funny.

Thanks to my little brother for the inspiration for this image.

The Obama Administration started the Cars.gov Cash for Clunkers Program to stimulate auto sales, and also to take older, less fuel efficient cars off the road. The program is designed to allow auto dealers to scrap the buyer’s trade in and receive an additional $3500 or $4500 depending on what’s being traded in and what’s being bought.

Image Credit: Unloved Car

The problem is that the government isn’t actually paying the dealers for the trade ins. That’s government at it’s finest for you. Of course, the Obama Administration is spinning this as a success, because so many people are buying new cars under the program that government workers can’t keep up with the paperwork. Obviously, whenever a government handout is so popular that the government can’t meet the demands of it’s citizens, that’s a major success. Social Security anyone?

I don’t know. ObamaCare is just sounding better and better isn’t it?

“I’m sorry. We really want to treat you for your tragic illness, but the program is such a raging success that government employees are having a hard time filing all the necessary paperwork. Hello. Hello? Damnit! Another one died while awaiting treatment. Now I have to file the paperwork for that too.”

Back on the topic of Cash for Clunkers, what I think the Obama Administration really needs are some good excuses to keep Auto Dealers off their back until they can make good on the vouchers. With that, here are the

Top 10 Reasons the Cash for Clunkers Program Isn’t Paying Dealers

10. Michelle clogged the toilet and you wouldn’t believe how much it costs to get a plumber in the White House at 3am on a Sunday.

9. We had to pay off Tim Geithner’s tax debts.

8. Do you know how much it costs to cover up our effort to take ownership of everyone’s computers?

7. Hillary Clinton wanted to finalize the sex change operation.

6. Barney Frank got a great real estate deal on Beachfront property in Arizona.

5. This is just fantasy, like a movie!

4. Oh yeah, well where’s MY bailout money?

3. You’ll get your money right after Malia and Sash get their unicorns.

2. The Check is in the mail.

1. Payday isn’t until April 15th, but we’ll totally pay you right away just as soon as we get paid.

You can either leave your own favorite lame excuses in the comments section or retweet this on Twitter.