Political Humor

I have been giving much thought to our new president. The more he talks, and the more of himself he reveals, the more I think I can get on the Obama bandwagon.

When you’re in my line of work, you see things differently. Being exposed to so many different types of people in so many different situations opens your mind to different points of view. This open mindedness has caused me to arrive at a new conclusion.

Yes, I still believe President Obama is a communist. I still believe President Obama is trying to subvert the Constitution. I still believe President Obama is a totalitarian. It just seems my job has caused me to see the light.

Are you confused? You shouldn’t be. What better place to be the police than in a police state?

Think about it. You know you want me to have no constitutional restrictions to protect the criminals of this world. The next time I think I have a car thief holed up in a house based on third hand information, I won’t have to stand down because I don’t have a warrant. BAM! I kick in the door and, voila, one less criminal on the streets. What could possibly go wrong?

Have you ever called the police, only to be told there was nothing they could do because it was just your word against the other person’s? No more of that. Everybody will be satisfied with law enforcement response! Your neighbor threatened you? Well, it’s time for a smackdown!

You shouldn’t be worried that your neighbor will make false allegations against you. You’re innocent; you have nothing to worry about. This will be a brave new crime-free world!

Yes, I, for one, welcome our new totalitarian overlords. Since I’ll be the police, you have nothing to worry about. I will protect you. Good thing, too. What, with the President getting ready ban miscellaneous semi-automatic weapons, and shotguns with telescoping stocks, you’re going to need me.

If you want more JumpOut, he will be busy practicing violating your soon to be non-existent constitutional rights at his law enforcement humor blog, You Should be Tasered

The night was dark and damp. Tired of being oppressed by the witchcraft of capitalism, the mob gathered their torches and pitchforks and set out to make things right. They began by scouring the countryside in search of the witches and warlocks of capitalism.

As they approached the nearby airport, through the floodlights and fog, the mob could see a leer jet landing. The leader of the mob, a well dressed man with a funny name and big ears, turned to the mob and shouted, “We got one!”

As the jet landed the mob stormed the airport. The pilot, preoccupied with landing the plane did not see the approaching danger as he parked the jet, and helped his passenger exit to the tarmac.

As the dapper passenger was walking to the terminal of this small outlying airport, the mob rushed in and seized him and the pilot. The two travelers, were in shock. The passenger shouted, “Stop! Leave us alone! Why are you doing this?”

The leader said, “You are a rich and powerful Warlock that runs a large company. You have been oppressing us workers with your profit-making witchcraft! We have arrested you! You will now be tried and executed!”

The passenger said, “You can’t do this!”

The mob chanted “Yes we can! Yes we can! Yes we can!”

“I practice no witchcraft,” the passenger explained, “I run a large company because I worked my way to the top. I went to school, and earned a degree. I worked very hard for my company, and earned everything I have!”

“Nobody earns a jet! We don’t have jets! Only through witchcraft can you obtain the ability to fly! You have sold your soul the Devil!” Exclaimed the mob’s leader.

“He turned me into a newt!” Shouted a voice from the mob.

The leader, bewildered asked, “Alright, who let Joe join the mob? I told you tell him we were going bowling and we didn’t have enough room for him. Great, now he’s going to be saying stupid stuff all night.

“As I was saying, we’re going to execute you as a warlock, and dismantle your company. You will not be allowed to use your witchcraft to oppress the proletariat anymore!”

“Look,” exclaimed the passenger, “my company employees thousands of people just like you. Men and women who are able to provide for their families because they work for me and my company. If you kill me and dismantle my company, you will be putting them out of work!”

The mob began to get to quiet, and look around. What this man said was making sense.

The leader shouted, “Lies! All lies! You cast your profit-making magic on them, and turned them into slaves! Nobody deserves to be rich while there are poor people! You will burn at the stake for your wickedness!”

“A fart on this executive!” Exclaimed Joe. The leader just shook his head.

The passenger replied, “If you kill me, how will that improve your situation? I’ll be dead, but you will still be what you are. On top of that, the thousands of men and women that work for me will be out of a job. Is that what you want?”

“”But he has got a wart!” Shouted Joe.

“Joe, for the love of Pete, shut up!” The leader scolded.

The pilot, who had been watching quietly interjected, “People, I am a working man, just like you. I’ve been watching these proceedings quietly, but I must speak out. Don’t you see what your leader is doing to to you? He isn’t one of you! He claims to be. He tells you what you want to hear, but he is not unemployed, or poor. He makes his money of your misery. If he uses you to kill men like my boss, soon there will be no way for you to provide for yourself with an honest day’s work. You will have to turn to him. He is trying to control you!”

The leader, realizing his mob was starting to be swayed by the impassioned speech from the pilot, had to think of something quick before the mob turned on him. He shouted, “But this guy has a jet! How many of you have a jet? And this guy spent a gazillion dollars remodeling his office! He negotiated a severance package in his contract that will pay him eighty gazillion dollars if he gets fired! That’s not fair!”

“Who weeps for these weeps for corruption!” Shouted Joe.

The mob became enraged. Chants of “Burn Him Now! Burn Him Now!” flooded forth.

How does this story end? We’ll see.

JumpOut is willing to lead your witch hunt for a small fee. You can find him at his law enforcement humor blog You Should Be Tasered.

Good evening everybody and welcome to Wednesday Whoop Ass! Good ole J.O. here and do we have a main event for you! In the steel cage of death, doom, and destruction we will have two heavyweights in their respective ranks squaring off in a fight to the irrelevance!

In one corner, we have the champ. A man who is leader of the free world. A man who commands armies, and can move markets on a whim. He can fire missiles into other countries, and have the IRS audit you for no more reason than because he says so! It’s Barack “The Black Mamba” Obama!

In the other corner, we have a man that holds no political office. He has no power of government agencies. He can’t compel law enforcement to do anything. But some say he has a mystical power to hypnotize millions with his words. It’s Rush “The Raging Elephant” Limbaugh!

This looks to be one hell of a slobberknocker! It’ll be a pier six brawl! Get ready to hold on to your wallets and your prescription medication! We’ll get to the match right after a word from our sponsors!

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Welcome back to Wednesday Whoop Ass! Good ole J.O. here and our warriors have entered the the steel cage of death, doom, and destruction! The bell rings and here we go!

It looks like the combatants are feeling each other out here. A rhetorical jab from Rush, and Obama counters with a middle-finger-nose scratch. Rhetorical jab followed by a rhetorical jab. Oh my! Rush hits Obama with a diatribe!

He follows up with multiple haymaker Reagan references! He has Obama backed into a corner! This looks like the beginning of the end, and we’ve barely gotten started! Wait, who’s that running in from back stage? Oh my God, it’s Rahm Emmanuel! He just tossed The Mamba a foreign policy change! That’s not legal! Oh! This is brutal! The Mamba is beating Rush over the head with his foreign policy!

Rush is staggered! It looks like the Raging Elephant may fall! Wait, Rush counters with a Socialism monologue! He’s dazed The Mamba! He has to follow that move up to gain the initiative in the fight, but the beating he took has left him exhausted! How are these men still fighting after all the brutality they have suffered?!

It looks like Rush is trying to go for his finishing move, the Crown of Communism. He’s moving in for the kill…Oh my God! The Mamba pulled out his mandate, but Rush blocked it with his huge advertising revenue!

OH NO! JESUS CHRIST!!! From out of nowhere, Obama hit him with his patented finisher the Fairness Doctrine, and Rush is down! He’s not moving. The fight is over! The fight is over. Obama just killed Limbaugh’s career, freedom, and the Constitution in one deft move!

I’m speechless! How could this have happened? Where was the commissioner? That move was banned, but he was able to…

Wait! Let me go, you goon! Leave my microphone alone! You can’t do this! This is unAmerican! You can’t……………………….