Political Humor

I ran into a liberal on Monday. Actually, it was the other way around, the lib ran into me. This is a true story. It isn’t funny, but I believe it’s worth telling.

Stuck indoors for the last few weeks -while the Pineapple Express sent one warm, wet storm after another our way- I’d contracted cabin fever.

Here in Central Oregon we’re use to snowy winters. But once in a while the gulf stream shifts in such a manner, as to allow the moisture to come in the form of cold rain and wet snow. Those gray, Seattle-type winters make me very aware as to why Democrats living on the west side of the Cascades are such a miserable lot.

Monday, we had a break in the abysmal weather, and I wasn’t about to let the opportunity slip by to get some sunshine. I jumped into my little car and took off. The 32 MPG Aspire had 241,000 mile on it, but still ran like a top. With front wheel drive and studded tires, it beat the hell out of driving my four wheel drive truck in the wet and icy conditions I knew I would encounter going over the mountains.

So, no shit there I was, minding my own business. Off to enjoy a beautiful day. Driving through slushy snow and crossing patches of black ice is not something I like to do, but it’s something I’m pretty good at. Since conditions were poor, I was going all of about 35-40 MPH, on a major highway that cuts across the Cascade Range.

Here’s where the story gets interesting. While I was carefully negotiating a long, sweeping left turn, I saw a red car -coming the opposite direction- slide across the highway, hit the guardrail and proceed at a high rate of speed, right at me.

Let’s recap. I was driving very conservatively. I’d adjusted to the current conditions, not over extending my resources or taking wild chances. I obeyed all the laws and carefully planned out my future path. In other words, doing everything right. Doing everything a good citizen should be doing in that environment. Yet, there was a car in my lane, going the wrong direction.

No matter what the driver did, their failure to read the lay of the land meant that a major crash was inevitable. Panic took the wheel in the red car. The front tires jerked frantically from side to side, but the surface was slippery. The car was now out of control, and we were going to hit head-on.

Calmly observing all of this, I knew I couldn’t brake hard, so I applied slow, steady pressure to the brake pedal. At the last second, I turned my little Aspire so the impact was on the front right side, and not square into the grill. The force of the blow sent me and my damaged property across two lanes, and straight into a snow covered guardrail.

The air bags deployed as the vehicle came to a very sudden stop. If you’re wondering, no, I didn’t die. I knew I hadn’t died, because the pain from being slammed into from the side and then impacting into the guardrail -causing the airbags to smash into my chest and face- was intense. I had difficulty hearing for a good hour.

Remember, I did everything right, but my car is gone, I’m bruised, suffered a minor concussion and can’t get rid of the headaches, but it could have been a lot worse.

The young woman who was diving the red car was very shaken-up, but aside from some scrapes on her face from the airbags, in pretty good shape. I hope she’s learned something, but if the bumper stickers on her car were any indication, she’ll most likely blame it on everything, except her own poor judgment.

I’m left to pick-up the pieces. What I’ll get for the car won’t replace it. I’ll be sore for a while, but will heal. I think the headaches will be with me for a longer time. I’ll find a way to replace what I’ve lost. Until then I’ll drive the gas guzzler. I’ll get another smaller car. It may take a while, but I will get a replacement… and it will be better than the last one.

There’s a lesson here, a teachable moment. The red car can be seen as current political policy, and driving it is Obama and the Democrat Congress… in our lane…going the wrong direction. I’m pretty sure a few Republicans are in the back seat, along for the joy ride.

I, just like most of our readers, have played by the rules. We’ve worked hard, been productive, paid our “fair share” of taxes, and asked for very little from anyone, other than to be left alone. Now, our out of control government is bearing down on us. A head-on crash is inevitable, but it’s not going to be an accident.

After the crash, we conservatives will do what we’ve always done. We’ll pick up the pieces, put them back together as best we can, and get on with rebuilding our lives. It may take a while, but we will rebuild… and it will be better than before.

On a side note, I’ve only been in two accidents. In a bizarre coincidence, I’ve only owned two small cars. Both of them met an early demise at the hands of young women who were into sharing. That is, sharing my lane. Conclusion: These women are very attracted to me when I drive a small car, or -and far more likely- Younger Women Can’t Drive!

If Barack Obama gets elected to the White House, future national insecurity advisor Richard Danzig would like all of us to know, as Americans we will be as safe as little children tucked into our beds while our mommie or daddy reads us a story.

“Winnie the Pooh seems to me to be a fundamental text on national security.”

After mentioning the classic children’s novel at a conference on national security recently, Danzig went on to read a paragraph of the book detailing how one of the bears falls down the stairs but never seems to want to change. I think the theme there was change. If bears can do it so can we.

But it is also a story about a bear, who because of an addiction to a natural resource ends up sticking his nose where it doesn’t belong resulting in all his friends being dragged into his problems.

Feel safe yet?

Granted the allegory is fitting, but it is still a children’s book for crying out loud. This is our leaders’ way of making us feel secure, by quoting kid’s books about stuffed animals that are alive in someone’s imagination?

However, maybe Richard or Dick if I may be so bold and I will, is onto something here. We have listened to adults long enough and look where that has gotten us. Hell, it seems like everything to do with politics lately are fairy tales of make-believe and magical creatures like global warming boogeymen.

Maybe it is time we paid attention to the wisdom in the books geared for children.

To help convince the naysayers that global warming is not real we should have policy based on Heinrich Hoffmann’s fairy tale ‘Pauline and the Matches’.

See how CO2-induced climate change has created drought conditions and thus threatened our national security? They say animals react to global warming and those cats are clearly trying to tell us all something: sign a new KYOTO before it is too late.

Democratic policy would do well based on ‘Babar’, the story of a cute elephant who moved away from home after witnessing his mother get killed. He later returned, became the ruler after the king died from eating some wacky mushrooms, and married his third cousin.

We should send copies of ‘Everyone Poops’ to the world’s nations to let them know we realize we all poop, and in some countries more then others thanks to funky water. We feel your pain. Here is some extra toilet paper.

That bear that fell down the stairs by the way in the Winnie the Pooh book? Some hunter shot him because he was too clumsy to run away. But he wanted to change and that is all that matters. Like with a children’s book the Democratic foreign policy will be full of ideals and empty of results. But it’s going to make everyone who doesn’t like us like us.

Before you know it we will be singing ‘Cumbayah‘ together, or maybe even in the round, and the terrorists will hand out candy to children and there will be puppies and rainbows.

I can already hear Obama’s Inauguration speech for his second term…

“Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew. Just go right along. You’ll start happening too.

OH! THE PLACES YOU’LL GO!”

Chris Cameron writes this weekly column of insane political humor every Thursday here at Radioactive Liberty. You can also read his odd and weird humor at his own blog Angry Seafood.

Humor-blogs.com thinks care bears are pretty lame. That is why you should vote “yes” by clicking the link.

Being a resident of New Hampshire, I got to vote in the primary Tuesday and I was a witness to the shocking win by Hillary. When you are done groaning, I will continue.

The pundits will tell you that Clinton beat the spread on the contest due to polling too soon or experts unwisely thinking momentum means anything.

She won because people seem to be really divided between her and Obama. It is just as wide-open on the red side as well. This is what happens when our society continues to churn out lukewarm Presidential candidates.

But the predictions were off in Iowa too. Either someone on the polling end is fudging the numbers, Gallup and Zogby are now using global warming computer models to forecast elections, or there is something else in play.

During my time in college, fraternities and sororities were just getting started. It was the job of the Greek Council, the governing body of fraternities and sororities on campus, to determine and vote on recognition, thus clearing a path to establishment of a chapter.

One of the groups wanting to start a sorority was a friend of ours so we helped lobby the others on their behalf. Being my guild’s rep on the Council, I asked the other reps who they were voting for.

We went back to our friends with the assurance of recognition. I heard nothing but yeses. What I didn’t know was that each rep was not really being truthful, they were being nice.

When it came time to vote, every single one of the sororities cast a nay ballot. That bothered me. I get it that each of them have the right to vote as their group wants, but don’t tell me one thing and do another.

It bothered me so much I used my position on the school newspaper to write a scathing op-ed piece calling them all out. That got me in a lot of trouble because it was in my Greek section, not the op-ed pages. But the papers flew off the shelf that day; that is for sure.

I learned early on in life that polls look the way they do because the people being asked the questions want to make themselves look like they are doing the right thing.

Or in this case, they want to be nice and say they will vote for a black man or a person who is a Mormon. Political correctness however stops at the polling booth curtain. The real tally, not the Gallup one is how America really thinks.

Chris Cameron is a weekly guest writer for Radioactive Liberty. Visit Angry Seafood for more of his odd and usually-funny writing.

Humor-blogs.com votes for the funniest blogs. Not really but go there anyways for a lot of laughs.