Political Humor

Being a webmaster of a famous political humor site has it’s drawbacks. Every day I get flooded with hate mail. For some inexplicable reason, people are always asking me who I hate more: Babies, black people, or hippies.

I honestly don’t know where this even comes from. I love babies. In fact, I never tasted a baby that I didn’t like with just the right marinade. Sure, I’ve had a few platters that were overdone, and dry, but I blame the cook on that, not the dish.

And where does this assumption that I hate black people come from? I don’t hate black people. In fact, some of my best friends are… Well, ok. Truth be told, none of my friends are black people, but that’s only because I don’t have any friends.

I don’t understand that either. I meet people. They seem nice, but then they turn all weird when I scold them for letting their kids run wild like that. “They’ll get all tough and stringy,” I tell them, and they look at me like, “Are you mental?” Then they make up some excuse about how they have to go visit their great aunt at the nursing home. But I know what’s up. They’re just trying to get away from me.

Now dirty hippies, they are a threat to the existence of the whole human race.

I hate hippies. They’re progressive, which is a compound word that combines progress – to move forward, and regressive – to move backwards. They’re always looking for ways to move society backwards a few thousand years.

Hippies are opposed to technology, unless it was invented 20,000 years ago, like the windmill. That’s somehow the solution to our increased energy demands. f^^king windmills. Just ask T. Boone Pickens. I don’t know who the Hell he is, but I know that he can’t even spell T-Bone right, so I am inherently skeptical that he has anything worthwhile to say.

Windmills. Hey, I’ve got an idea, lets carve this stone into a circle and we can call it “the wheel.” Won’t that be a hoot?

Hippies have never invented anything worth inventing. You can credit them for pondering what the definition of “is” is, eating garbage, and inventing man made global warming. That’s about it. Oh, yeah. They also forfeited a war we were winning, and their proud of their stunning defeat in the face of victory. I’d call them losers, but they would celebrate that like it’s a Good Thing™.

Let’s just skip to beating hippies instead. It patriotic, and fun for the whole family.

So who do I hate more? Definitely the hippies.

Share this on Facebook and retweet it on Twitter and get a free T-shirt, assuming you beat a hippie and steal his T-shirt, but who would want that stinky thing anyway?.

You might think that beating hippies is fun, safe, family friendly entertainment.

You are wrong.

I’m not denying that it is fun, especially for the kids. Kids just love beating dirty hippies. No. The fact is that it can be very unsafe.

Let’s say you were about the town and saw a dirty hippie chick. Now, you might be thinking, “Except for the armpit hair, hippie stink, lack of brain functioning, and Che Guevara T-shirt, she’s almost semi-good looking.”

Now, you’re not going to just dunk your junk without taking any precautionary measures. You don’t want to see your equipment shriveled up like a poorly rolled joint, or Ron Paul‘s poll numbers. Of course not.

First you will take her on a romantic trip to the lake. You’ll say, “Let me put some sunscreen on for you,” But instead of sunscreen, it will be soap that you are lathering all over her body. Now, shove her in the water, and it’s guaranteed to be at least 12% as effective as actual showering.

After that, you’re still going to want to use some sort of prophylactic protection to prevent the passage of pathogens. You never know what sort of diseases a hippie could be carrying. There are so many to choose from. Tuberculosis, Hepatitis, Syphillis.

Let’s not forget the worst of them all, Terrorist Sympathy. Symptoms include parroting terrorist talking points, and extending Constitutional rights to terrorists.

You will want to steer clear of these sorts of infections. And that is why precautions should also be taken when it comes to beating hippies. You see, hippies are a subspecies of the lower primates. This means that they are warm-blooded mammals. As such, when you beat a hippie severly enough, there will be blood.

Blood can transmit disease. Do you see where this is going?

What you can do to protect yourself

7. Wear a poncho. You need to be aware of the possibility of blow back. This occurs when you beat the hippie, and their blood sprays back on you.

6. Safety goggles are a must. You don’t want any bodily fluids, or tofu getting in your eyes. Hippies will also sometimes scratch at your eyes. You only get one set of eyes, so please protect them.

5. Gloves and boots. The more you can be sure to cover all exposed areas, the safer you hippie beating fun will be.

4. Grapefruit in a 100% cotton towel. While this method may cause internal injuries, it shouldn’t cause external bleeding. Plus the hippies like it because it’s a totally vegan and eco-friendly method of being beaten.

3. Shower immediately and thoroughly to wash off all potential pathogens. I failed to do this one time, and it took several rounds of antibiotics to clear that mess up. Don’t make the mistake that I did.

In the event that a thorough shower is not immediately available, you should come prepared with a minimum of one gallon of hand sanitizer per family member. Use all over the body, except sensitive regions. Clean them ASAP with soap and water.

2. Bring a friend. Just like with swimming, always follow the buddy system.

1. Lift from the legs. This is just a basic back safety tip. Never lift and twist.

You will also want to check your local, state, and federal regulations, perhaps consulting with the chief of police. It seems that many lawmakers are metrosexual, girly sissies, and may have passed anti-hippie beating legislation under the guise of “assault” and/or “battery.” We’re looking for family friendly fun, not family felony fun.

What are your tips for safe hippie beating?

Humor-Blogs.com understands that this is satire, and in no way endorses actual violence. No hippies were harmed in the writing of this satire.

Image Credit: Dirty Hippie Chick in the Wild Wearing Che T-Shirt, by Fiar.