Political Humor

Hey someone turn up the thermostat! It’s only 80 in here. How the hell am I supposed to run this country like a Central American dictatorship if it doesn’t feel like Central America?

Miffer Preffadent?

What do you want, Rahm?

Firr, iffs abouff the econfffamy

What? Hell man, get your face out of the carpet! Damn, I love seeing my subjects prostrate on the floor in front of me, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying. Now, get up on your knees and try that again.

Mr. President, the economy is in the toilet.

You think I don’t know that? The Democratic party worked for years getting it to this point so I, Obama, Bringer of Hope and Change, could fix it.

But I thought the Republicans and George Bush were the cause, Mr. President.

You’re not the brightest compact florescent bulb in the ceiling, are you? Besides, what have I told you people about thinking? I told you to forget about it, I’m the only one who needs to do any thinking around here. But I’m feeling generous today. Do you care to guess where the idea came from to spend so much money?

Ah, the people?

Wrong, dipwad. The people are morons! Didn’t you hear all of that crap I fed them during the election? They actually believed me. The people are stupid sheep and I am Barack the Shepard, leader of the dump flocks! Only I can fix this mess! I gave Bush the ideas. It was mind control! Did you really believe he was that slow and poor of a speaker? He was waiting for me, Obama, the Puppet Master to tell him what to say.

Sir, so you do, ah… have a… solution?

Silly little man. Of course I do. I’m Barack Obama, the Magnificent. I’ve been pulling the strings of this government since I was a little boy in that madras in Indonesia.

Yes, sir. I didn’t…

Of course you didn’t. That’s why I hired you, and you never will.

But…

I hired you to make me look even more brilliant. Why do you think I keep bringing on people like Geithner, Emanuel, or Panetta . That was a good one…Panetta for the CIA. Anyway, you get the idea, don’t you?

Err, sir, I’m Emanuel…

Whatever. Don’t bother me with facts. It’s obvious you really don’t get it, do you. They’re all pawns, stooges. Dis-pos-a-ble. Do I have to spell it out for you? I’m not Dan Quayle you know. I can spell. I’m Barack, the Clean and Articulate! I  showered not two hours ago. And look at my hair. Perfect. Admittedly, not Ron Blagojevich perfect. That man has some nice hair. But still, in a -not a nappy ho kind of way- perfect.

Ah…

Then there’s Hillary. I can’t wait to embarrass the pantsuits off her every time she turns around. Or maybe not.  Just the thought of that makes my stomach turn.  Oh, look who finally decided to show-up. Tim, I’m sooo glad you could make it.

I’m very sorry…

You certainly are.  Now, are you wearing your swimsuit like I told you?

Yes, Mr. President, but I…

Shut up, Geithner. Listen, that insignificant person over there -the one on his knees- well, he’s  stated the obvious. He said the economy’s in the toilet. Now, I need you to strip down to your trunks and dive in.

Sir, I’m not wearing trunks, I’m wearing a speedo.

What the…? I haven’t gotten that image of Hillary out of my mind, now you go and tell me that!  Where’s the red, white and blue swim trunks I’d sent to you.

Well sir, the trunks didn’t show off my firm…

I think I’m going to be sick. Some one bring me a bucket!

But sir, the speedo is very form fitting, and I’ve been told by both Barney Frank and Larry Craig that…

Enough already!  I, Barack the All Powerful have spoken! You will wear the trunks I had made out of the Betsy Ross flag, and you will dive, head first, into the economy!

Sir! No one can survive that. I’ll drown!

And you’ll be given a patriot’s funeral. I give you my word. For I, Obama, the Chosen One, has promised, and you can take that to the bank. Any of them, because soon enough, I’ll control them all!

Away with you, and on your way out, tell my secretary to get me the Bill of Rights. That colon cleanser has kicked in.

You can find more of Les James’  caustic humor and rapier wit at Sideshow Mirrors

Rod Blagojevich approached the podium and cleared his throat as the reporters readied their notebooks and audio recorders.

“Thank you all for coming here today. Recently there have been some serious allegations made against me and I would like to assure the wonderful people of Illinois, America, and my relatives in Europe that these claims are false.

I was left for dead five years ago and nursed back to health by a beautiful woman who would later have a very short movie career.

Anyways, I came back and avenged the death of my wife and found out my son was alive. That is why the FBI is investigating me. Any questions?”

Reporter One: “Isn’t that the plot of the Steven Seagal movie Hard To Kill?”

“Yes, it in fact it is. I use it as my cover story in case of trouble. Here is the actual explanation. I was part of a covert anti-crime unit. There were four of us: the muscle afraid to fly, the crazy guy, the leader who had a thing for planning, and me as the good looks of the unit. We took down some major crime syndicates and made a lot more towns safe. No one else could help them.

Of course we had to operate outside of the law so naturally you can see why the FBI mistakenly thought I was guilty of any wrongdoing. Next question.”

Reporter Two: “Isn’t that the premise for the television show The A-Team?”

“Fine, if you really must know the whole truth and this is pretty classified stuff, before I became governor, I was a marine biologist. This spaceship from the future came back to the past. They needed one of our whales to stop the planet from being destroyed by an alien life form hundreds of years from now. Their captain paused in the middle of sentences for no reason. There was a pointy-eared man who had no emotions.”

Reporter Three: “Come on. That is the plot of Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home and the character you describe is actually a woman who falls in love with Kirk then goes back to the future with the Enterprise. What’s next, the Matrix is real?”

“Look if you aren’t going to take me seriously then this press conference is over.”

With that said Blagojevich left the room.

Chris Cameron writes this political humor column every Thursday here at Radioactive Liberty. He also has his own humor blog Angry Seafood.

The 2008 Political Hack of the Year Award goes to Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich.

Competition was fierce and there were so many deserving recipients like Massachusetts Senator Jim Marzilli, who was arrested for aggressively hitting on random women last April. His defense was bi-polar disorder by the way. The disease excuse cost Marzilli the award due to its lack of originality.

Then there was Senator John Edwards. He cheated on his cancer-stricken wife and even fathered an illegitimate child. The judges gave him big points in the douche bag category but alas it was not enough to get past Blago.

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer tried to make a run for it with the classic “get caught with a hooker” gambit. Like with Jim “The Perv” the judges were un-swayed by Spitzer’s weak efforts.

Rep. Barney Frank helped pass the Bailout Bill despite the fact his former boyfriend was an official for Fannie Mae. The judges gave Frank zero points for screwing up their 401k.

Senator Chris Dodd also helped pass the Bailout Bill which helped out Countrywide, the company he got V.I.P. loans from under the “Friends of Anthony (FOA)” program. Dodd didn’t score well either in the judges’ eyes.

They all tried their best but in the end one man stood out among the recipients for the 2008 Political Hack of the Year Award: Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich.

Not only did Blago make a brazen attempt to sell Barack Obama’s former Senate seat to the highest bidder, to Jesse Jackson’s son no less, but he sealed the deal with his admission that he is in fact…

Janet Reno!

Duh Duh Duh!

Chris Cameron writes this weekly political humor column every Thursday here at Radioactive Liberty. He also has his own humor blog Angry Seafood.

Editor’s Note: I just realized that this is the 1000th post on our site. Congratulations to everyone that has been a big part of making this happen. I look forward to what the next 1000 entries of satire, and harsh ridicule of our politicians have to offer.

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