Political Humor

A begrudging collaboration from political humor authors JumpOut and Les James

All Rise! Hear Ye, Hear Ye, the United States District Court for the Southern District of New York is now in session, the Honorable William J. Lepetomane presiding. You may now be seated.

Thank you bailiff. What’s our first case, Mr. Prosecutor?

United States vs. Sheik Ahma bin Fuqeen Yomam’ah, Your Honor, Mr. Yomam’ah is…

Bailiff, what in God’s name are you doing?!

Judge, I was just trying to get these gentlemen to remove their RPGs from the court room!

Bailiff, how can you be so insensitive? He’s Muslim, that RPG is part of his religion and therefore protected by the US Constitution. Leave that man be, and stop impeding his right to free speech.

Umm, Your Honor, didn’t you, just last week, make me disarm an FBI Agent who showed up here to testify in a case in the name of courtroom security?

Yes, and…

Well, Your Honor, I’m trying to figure out the rationale behind disarming an FBI Agent for courtroom security, yet leaving a Muslim wearing a Hamas bandanna to carry an RPG for the sake of religious freedom.

What’s to figure out? The FBI Agent wasn’t Muslim, or carrying an RPG. He was Christian and I don’t think Christians use firearms to express their religious beliefs. They use fish, crappy music, and some sticks. I wouldn’t let you take away a Christian’s fish. Now, if we can please get back to the serious business at hand. Leave these people alone, and stop violating their rights!

You know what, Your Honor, since you were appointed last year, I have had to put up with some degrading stuff, but this beats all. I cannot in good conscience do this anymore. I quit! The bailiff walks away mumbling to himself: And motherf**kers called me house nigger for not voting for Barack. Looks like Massa Barack has got his crackers in place…

Well, I guess I need a new bailiff. You sir, with the RPG and the green bandanna with the scribbly writing on it.

نعم

How would you like to be my bailiff?

نعم

Good. Now that that’s settled…You were saying Mr. Prosecutor?

Ummm, yes Your Honor, US vs. Sheik Ahma bin Fuqeen Yomam’ah. Mr. Yomam’ah is accused of being an enemy combatant based on evidence that he and several accomplices planted and detonated a roadside bomb and attempted to ambush a United States Marine Corps patrol.

Is this another of those damned trumped up cases from that Guantanamo Gulag? Let’s hurry through this. This is the fifth one this week. Proceed.

Yes, Your Honor. Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury…

Piss off!

You’re in the jury, so I do the talking, you do the listening.

Piss off Mr. Prosecutor. We’ve been on jury duty for a freaking week! I’m sick of this s#1t. Quit blowing sunshine up my skirt, and get on with it.

Okay…as I was saying: the prosecution intends to prove beyond the shadow of a reasonable doubt through eyewitness testimony and evidence collected at the scene of the crime that Sheik Ahma bin Fuqeen Yomam’ah led an attack on US forces in Iraq. You’re going to hear testimony from Marines who were present, and were the victims of the heinous act. You’re going to see evidence taken from the person and vehicle of Sheik Ahma bin Fuqeen Yomam’ah. At the end of this trial, we hope you will return a verdict of guilty. Thank you.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury. My client, Sheik Ahma bin Fuqeen Yomam’ah, is merely a Muslim cleric. He would never do any of things he is accused of. He is a man of peace, practicing a religion of peace. The charges brought here today are erroneous and my client is the victim of the racism and xenophobia of our baby killing, innocent-torturing service people. People so bloodthirsty and brutal their actions are akin to the Mongol Hordes of Genghis Khan. Once we refute the charges levied by the prosecution, we hope you dispense justice in the form of a not guilty verdict for my client, Sheik Ahma bin Fuqeen Yomam’ah.

Very good counselors. Mr. Prosecutor, call your first witness.

Yes sir, the prosecution calls Sgt. James Lewis, US Marine Corps. Sgt. Lewis, take your oath and please be seated. Sgt. Lewis, can you tell us what happened on the night in question?

Yessir. My men and I were out on patrol in Anbar Province when we were hit by an improvised explosive device. By the grace of God it…

You can’t say that, Sgt.

I’m sorry Your Honor? Say what?

God.

Sir?

God. I won’t allow that sort of hate speech in my court room.

I’m sorry sir, I wasn’t aware. As luck would have it, the bomb didn’t kill us. It did; however, disable our vehicle. We bailed out, and immediately we were taking small arms fire. My men regrouped and returned fire. All Hell broke loose. As best we could tell there were eight men firing on us. They looked like some Sunni insurgents that we had…

Stop spreading your racism in my courtroom, Sgt.!

Sir?

There is no possible way you could have known that the men you were exchanging with were Sunni insurgents.

Your Honor, we were in Anbar province, the stronghold of the Sunni insurgency. Shi’ites wouldn’t have been able to move through the area to fight us, because they would have been fighting the Sunnis.

I’m so sure Sgt. Islam is a religion of peace. I’m sure the men you saw were disaffected youths tired of having an invading force on their soil.

Whatever you say, Judge. Anyway, we were able to get seven of them. The eighth man dropped his weapon, and tried to escape on foot. We gave chase, and caught the eighth man. It’s a good thing we caught him when we did. He was heading back to the truck he drove in on. Once we secured the individual, we looked inside the truck and there were artillery shells, detonators and various bomb making tools and materials as well as several firearms and grenades. The man began pleading for his life, and apologizing for attacking us. We took him into custody, and brought him back to the detention center.

Do you see the man you chased that night Sgt. Lewis. Yes sir. He’s seated at the defendant’s table.

Let the record reflect that the witness indicated Sheik Ahma bin Fuqeen Yomam’ah. I have no further questions Sgt. Lewis. Please answer any questions the defense may have.

Yessir.

Wow, Sgt. Lewis, what a harrowing tale. It must have been hectic out there to say the least.

Yessir, it was. Luckily my men are well trained, and highly motivated. We were able to meet and eliminate the threat.

Sgt. Lewis, you said “All Hell broke loose” correct?

Yessir.

Would you say things were confusing during the firefight?

Yessir, it takes a minute to get your bearings in a situation like that.

Really? And you were still able to count the number of people firing on you and your men?

Yessir.

So which one was it?

Say again sir? I’m not sure I follow.

Which one was it? Were you confused, or could you count the number of men firing on you?

Well, sir…I mean, it was confusing, but once we regrouped, we were able to interpret the threat and neutralize it.

Neutralize? You mean kill, correct Sgt.?

Yes sir. We were taking fire, and we were able to kill most of the men shooting at us. That’s what we’re trained to do.

So you’re a trained killer?

Sir, I am a trained Marine. Killing the bad guys goes along with the job.

Bad guys, Sgt? You mean you see a brown skinned man in a robe and a head scarf and automatically you see a bad guy, right Sgt.?

No sir. I see people shooting at me, and I see a bad guy.

Really, so you think you see my client in a group of eight men shooting at you, and when he runs, you chase him, is that correct?

Yessir.

When you caught him, did you advise him of his rights per Miranda?

Excuse me, sir?

You know, you have the right to remain silent, you have the right to an attorney, etc. did you advise him of his rights per Miranda, Sgt. Lewis.

No sir. I’m a Marine, not a cop.

Interesting observation, Sgt. You said you believed my client was running to a vehicle. How did you know this was his vehicle?

Sir, we were in a desert. There wasn’t anything around for miles.

Hmmm, so you say you found some evidence in the vehicle, correct?

Yessir.

Did you have a search warrant for the vehicle?

A search warrant?

Yeah, one of those pieces of paper signed by a judge giving you permission to search the vehicle?

Of course not! What the…

That’s enough Sgt.

Sorry Your Honor, what did I do wrong?

I’ve had enough of you people thinking you are above the law, and violating these people’s rights. Bailiff!

الموافقة.

Take Sgt. Lewis into custody, and get him out of my courtroom!

الموافقة.الموافقة.

The newly appointed bailiff and his friends escort Sgt. Lewis out of the courtroom. A gun shot is heard.

[Les: This was really all my idea. The outline and the images, yep, me.  I'm just trying to make this a better work environment]

[JO: Just like you to take all the credit after I do all the heavy lifting.]

I’ve decided I am supporting Vladimir Putin for President of the United States in 2012. Now, this is my own opinion, and I do not know how the other humorists, and satirists of Radioactive Liberty feel about my decision. This is not a blanket endorsement from this blog, only from me. I’m sure Fiar will be supporting himself as usual. Chris C will probably support a tuna or something, and I guess Les is going for Pennywise (the demonic clown not the crappy band). While those are all solid choices, I think Mr. Putin is far and away the best choice to lead this country going forward.

See, Congress has just spent a hundred gazillion dollars buying up private property, and shares in corporations. All hundred gazillion of those dollars belong to the American people. I feel Putin could have saved us a considerable amount of taxpayer dollars. He probably would have just taken all that stuff by force without paying for it. The end result is the same, except for the executives that might have been executed for speaking out against Putin’s takeover, but it would cost far less money.

The Democrats in Congress are wanting to resurrect the “Fairness Doctrine” which would, in effect, end conservative talk radio. See, liberal talk radio loses money every time. Conservative talk radio makes money. By forcing conservative talk radio to add liberal talk radio, talk radio is no longer profitable. All the stations will be playing light airy favorites of the seventies and eighties. Then, the only media voices you’ll hear will be Keith Olbermann, and Joy Beharr. What fun. President Putin on the other hand would end conservative radio, liberal radio, and would likely execute the hosts of The View for being insufferable cunts. That’s a policy I can get behind.

There’s an old saying that goes “If you’re gonna be a bear, be a grizzly bear.” Maybe in this case it should be “If you’re gonna be a bear be a Soviet bear.” The point is the same. Why do things half-assed? At least Putin will defend our borders, and make sure islamofascists are afraid to mess with us. The bright side is we won’t have to suffer through another one of those lame “Chill wind” speeches from Hollywood types. They’ll either embrace the new administration or die. Preferably the latter.

If you liked this, you’ll love the law enforcement humor and political satire of JumpOut’s own blog: You Should be Tasered.

Today, Global Warming brought an onslaught of snow and continuing cold weather to many areas around the Great Lakes, and in the Northeast United States.

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Now, I’m not a repository of quantitative data on what the weather is supposed to be like on November 21 each year, but there are a few things I recall quite clearly. I remember that I could never go snowboarding in winter unless I went to Vermont, because the temperature wouldn’t drop below 45 degrees, even in February. I would look at the weather report and scream at the television – “Just get cold enough for them to f^^king MAKE snow!” In fact, “most of Pennsylvania’s snowboard mountains close down in February or March.” Yet the skiing industry is booming this year.

I would travel 6 hours to Vermont, and still, I would be lucky if I didn’t wind up going over a rock that put a gouge the size of Springfield Gorge in the bottom. That is, if you could even actually go. Slush has a tendency not to conducive to going fast.

I also remember, as recently as 2 years ago, going to the beach in the middle of October. People would think this is odd, but it’s only 3 weeks after the end of Summer, and it’s actually usually warmer than it is 3 weeks before Summer starts, especially the water temperature. You know, like Memorial day weekend, that people think is the official start of Summer

This year, instead of going to the beach in the middle of October, I was pulling the winter coat out of storage. The temperature hardly ever gets above 45 degrees. The Global Warming People’s Temple Cult and Inquisition won’t see any of this as relevant. They’ll just charge me again with heresy for daring to question the validity of human caused Global Warming.

I know, it makes me stupid to think that humans might not be that important, or powerful. Clearly the entire Universe revolves entirely around us, and the Earth has always been in a solid state, right up until humans ruined the perfect balance with their evil technology. The sun, ocean currents, and volcanic activity are not factors at all, of course. Except to heretics.

The fact is, we are now in a cooling cycle, and the global warming moonbats will find some way to finagle that into being caused by global warming. Mark my words. We’re in for some sort of unbelievable logic that will tell us it’s getting so cold because of all the damned global warming.

How is global warming treating you this year?

I also suggest continuing to follow the facts about global warming thread. I get some real zingers on that. Subscribe to its comments.

More Global Warming Humor: Global Warming Shuts Down South Dakota

Update: Global Warming has waged a vicious attack against southern Louisiana. JumpOut has more details.