Political Humor

Change You Can Believe In

Barack Obama here for Obama Motors. While I’ve no experience in manufacturing, sales, management, making payroll, or wiping the shit-eating grin off my face, I’m now in charge of two out of three of American’s largest car makers. We’ll get Ford sooner or later.

This change in managerial direction has not been without it detractors. There’ve been a few wise-ass suggestions from the Radical Right for names for the new cars, but I won the election, so I have a mandate from the people to come up with the names all on my own. Just like I did for our dog, BO -who we rescued from the Kennedy Puppy Mill. All of the female dogs were scheduled to sold to Michael Vick. Vick was planning to fight the dogs himself, in a new reality series, called Vick’s Bitches.

Now, I think that sounds like good, wholesome, culturally sensitive entertainment to me, but the ASPCA says it’s torture. What the hell are they talking about? Waterboarding is torture, and speaking of torture…

Let’s not dwell on the past were the Bush/Cheney Team made life on this planet almost unlivable. I’m willing to skip over the fact that the War in Iraq and Guantanamo Bay almost destroyed not only our credibility as a nation but the entire universe. Let’s be clear, I’ve had to apologize for them since they won’t do it for themselves. I’m not going to lay blame on the bad decisions made by the stupid bastards who left me with this big mess.

Still, I’m here today to tell you about my fabulous line-up of electric cars that are coming out… when we can get enough AA batteries. Until that time we have the Chevy Fairweather. It’s an affordable, recycled paper machete vehicle with a large watch spring for power. Just wind it up and go.

We’re also working on a concept car based upon the visionaries of the Stone Age. Remember The Flintstones? The stone wheels are very eco-friendly and we’re thinking of making the trees from used water and soda bottles. This highly affordable car will have a base price of around $500. With state, federal and local taxes, we envision getting this beauty off the floor, out the door, and you living in it, for just under $30,000. Now that’s a bargain.

Financing an issue? Say you have no job, no cash, no ID and credit score lower than my IQ? No problem. We here at Obama Motors own the banks too. I’ve empowered Chris Dodd and Barney Frank to run the auto finance arm of my administration with the same over-sight they gave Freddie and Fanny. And if you can’t afford the payments, don’t worry, we’ll just tax the rich to pay your bills.

Obama Motors. We Hope you’re going to like this Change.

Please take a few minutes from guzzling beer today to remember all the heros we are honoring on this day.

Obama Finally Finds His Calling: Car Salesman

Good news America: Barack Obama and the government have taken over Chrysler and General Motors.

Our President even went multiple steps further, firing the boss of GM and then personally backing the warranties on new vehicles. He was not done there however:

“I am absolutely committed to working with Congress and the auto companies to meet one goal: The United States of America will lead the world in building the next generation of clean cars,”

If you loved the stimulus package just wait until you see the 2011 Chevy Adobe.

Washington Residents Give Detergent Ban The Raspberry

So Spokane residents are smuggling in banned automatic dishwasher detergent:

“The quest for squeaky-clean dishes has turned some law-abiding people in Spokane into dishwater-detergent smugglers. They are bringing Cascade or Electrasol in from out of state because the eco-friendly varieties required under Washington state law don’t work as well. Spokane County became the launch pad last July for the nation’s strictest ban on dishwasher detergent made with phosphates, a measure aimed at reducing water pollution.”

Of course the fact that Washington state ranks in the top ten in crop value nationwide has nothing to do with their water pollution problem. It probably doesn’t take much phosphate-rich fertilizer to grow 90% of the United States raspberry crop right?

Of course the ban has nothing to do with awarding inferior green detergents shelf space in the grocery store they did not actually compete for.

Not having to compete does go along with the elimination of risk in a socialist/communist economy after all.

Pass the raspberries comrade.

War On Terror Re-Named

It is official: the War on Terror is no longer called the War on Terror.

Now we are advised to call it an “Overseas Contingency Operation“:

“In a memo e-mailed this week to Pentagon staff members, the Defense Department’s office of security review noted that “this administration prefers to avoid using the term ‘Long War’ or ‘Global War on Terror’ [GWOT.] Please use ‘Overseas Contingency Operation.’ “

Catchy isn’t it?

The best part is the use of the word contingency. Who plans for every possible option better then the US Government? Certainly not these guys…

Even the master of ingenuity…

…does not have the contingency prowess of Barack Obama and Co. according to the moonbats.

God help us all.

Is this an early April Fools Day Joke?

Shellfish feel pain according to a recent study unless of course this is a prank:

“Not only do crabs suffer pain, a new study found, but they retain a memory of it (assuming they aren’t already dead on your dinner plate). The scientists say its time for new laws to consider the suffering of all crustaceans.”

The study shows that crabs experience the feeling of pain along with the discomfort. Hmm I thought that discomfort was part of the whole pain thing?

None the less, the article then says this:

“Interestingly, scientists don’t fully understand pain in humans.”

In other words they really have no clue what the hell they are talking about.

And what’s up with the picture chosen for the story?

A news item about crabs having feelings that includes a picture from San Francisco? Just don’t tell that to the Chilean Sea Bass. They are very sensitive and will probably take this report the wrong way.

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RL Political Humor Quick Hits is written by Chris Cameron every Tuesday exclusively for Radioactive Liberty.