Political Humor

The way science is suppose to work, is that some totally brainy individual comes up with a notion. Those of us in the know, call this a Hy-poth-e-sis. Then these Bill Nye wannabes try to disprove it. If, after a bunch of test and stuff, this Hypothesis thingy still seems sound, it gets sent out for a lot of other Eggheads to try to prove it false. This is called Peer Review. I’m submitting this scholarly work to my peers for review. That would be you. Please do your level best to show me why this awesome idea is not the answer to all of our problems. Thank you.

Les James                                                                                                                                          Doctor of Photography and Satirelogy

Part One of a Golly Gee Wiz, Super Smart, and Scientifically Cool, Fact-Filled Paper

Global Warming is happening. Duh! It’s been happening since the end of the last Ice Age. Apparently this is bad. Man didn’t cause it, but we can stop it.

Now that we have proof that the “fact” of anthropogenic Global Warming, caused by increased CO2, has been nothing but deception, perpetrated by “climate experts” using junk science and worse politics, let’s finally get serious about saving the earth from the real culprit –Oxygen.

O2 is responsible for almost all of the planet’s ills. Big Food and Big Supplements are constantly telling us that they have  products that contain Anti-oxidants. Anti means against, so these mega-corps are against oxidants. These products of theirs are supposed to help you live longer and better. If you do that, you’ll be around to buy more of their enriched cereals and multi-vitamins. Shameless bastards.

Big Insurance hasn’t found a way to make a profit off of this …yet. Rest assured when they do, you feel forced to buy oxidant insurance. Or maybe, they’ll start writing in an oxidantal death clause into their policies.

Anyway, Big Food and Supplements are on to something, but haven’t taken it far enough.

My Way Bright and Gnarly Hypothesis

If we would just cut down on oxygen, we could stave off the real cause of global warming, protect countless animal species, end starvation, eliminate the disparity between the rich and poor nations of the earth, increase live expectancy, decrease health care cost, and usher in an era of total equality. And we could do it cheaply.

The Process of Death

When oxygen is metabolized in air breathers, it causes mitochondrial degeneration of lipids, proteins, and DNA, by releasing Free Radicals. In other words, O2 causes cellular aging and diseases, and in the end, Kills. This is a very simplified explanation, but it illustrates the need to put a Cap on the electron transfers of this destructive process, and thereby stop the Trade of these Free Radicals, who seek our destruction.

Sulfur dioxide, carbon dioxide, nitrous oxide and water vapor (H2O) are the most damaging of the Greenhouse Gasses, but could not exist without oxygen. I’m not suggestion we eliminate oxygen altogether. Instead, I believe that by reducing the amount, by as little as 20%, we could significantly decrease these gasses, and provide Mother Earth the break that only humans can give. Instead of the roughly 21% O2 currently enjoys, let’s knock it down to about 17%.

Another benefit will be to industry. Rust, which never sleeps, is another unhealthy byproduct of oxygenation. It’s responsible for untold millions of dollars of infrastructure damage each year.

In other words, the very air we breathe is ruining our machines and killing us.

Next time, we’ll look at solutions.

Pete Seeger penned what became one of the most popular anti-Vietnam War songs ever recorded. Now at 90, he’s written a new version of the classic, Where have all the flowers gone? The original song has been recorded by the likes of Joan Baez, Peter, Paul and Mary, and a lot of other dirty stinking hippies, making them a lot of dirty stinking money. Oh, and Harry Belafonte too.

The song also showed-up on the Girly Edition episode of The Simpsons in 1998, proving that show’s ability to make fun of everyone.

Now forty-eight years after he wrote those whinny, makes-me-want-to-gag verses, Seeger laments the Death of Global Warming, and the Left’s inability to pick a cause that will stand up to real scientific scrutiny. Pete shares these new, bleeding heart, commie lyrics with us, before he and Fellow Traveler Bruce Springsteen hit the recording studio.

Where have all the flowers gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the flowers gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the flowers gone?
Snow’s covered them every one
When will we ever learn?
When will Al ever learn?

Where have all the summers gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the summers gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the summers gone?
Sunspots gone every one
When will we ever learn?
When will Barack ever learn?

Where has all the consensus gone?
Long time passing
Where has all the consensus gone?
Long time ago
Where has all the consensus gone?
Gone the scientist most every one
When will we ever learn?
When will Congress ever learn?

Where have all the voters gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the voters gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the voters gone?
Gone to the Right one by one
When will we ever learn?
When will Dems ever learn?

Where have all the Liberals gone?
Too long in passing
Where have all the Liberals gone?
Not so long ago
Where have all the Liberals gone?
Out of politics every one
When will they ever learn?
When will they ever learn?

Les: Okay, I added the last stanza.

Back again by popular demand, Alex L.

Chapter 7  Chatterbox

Yeah… he… well,” I said in reply desperately searching for some sort of quip or pun to endear myself to Cynthia. As usual though I was left standing by myself in a pool of blood scratching my head… I’d lost count how many times I’d been in that situation in my life.

There were still a few branches left on the road so doing my best to seem tough I cleared them and formed a path for the bikes to fit through. It had to be done quickly to, you never knew who or what was lurking out in the snow, plus the delightful fact that I had some rather nasty people following me.

“All right Cynny I’m done lets go,” I said casually fetching my dirtbike off the tree it was leaning on. She rolled her bike on over through the gap then waited for me on the other side, I soon joined her.

“Thanks,” she said smiling, for a second, which ended when I felt a sharp pop to the left side of my face, my god she could punch hard “And never call me Cynny.”

“Roger that,” I murmured under my breath as I rubbed the spot she’d hit. She was busy kicking over her bike so I did the same it was probably wise to stick together out here.

I’d forgotten what it was like to travel at speed, it was great the wind in my face, breezing through my hair, for once I forgot that it was constantly below zero freezing outside, and just enjoyed myself.

I had a bike and a woman, forget the fact she may hate me, I’d kill to see her naked and once again the smell of two stroke filled my nostrils. Good times. We rode on for some time winding around the roads past the old relics of society.

Around a bend ‘my woman’, a name I’d given Cynthia that I was definitely going to keep to myself, pulled into a storm drain, I followed a little curious as to why we’d stopped.
“What’s going on?” I asked.

“We’re stopping,” came the blunt response.
“I can see that… why?”
“The next bit will be safer in the dark, less chance of being spotted,” she said
“Ok, so what now?” I asked leaning my bike up againt the side of the tunnel.

“We sleep.” Cynthia replied as she wandered over to the entrance to the storm drain, and removed an iron bar from a latch holding a large steel gate in place it slid down and slammed into place, she put the iron bar into another latch to hold it shut.

“We’ll be safe in here, the tunnels blocked from both sides” She went on walking back into the tunnel. She took her bag off her shoulder and pulled a canteen from it, taking a few swigs she then threw it to me for a sip or two. It was only water but it was still refreshing.

There was an alcove in the tunnel a hidden compartment where we ducked out of sight and laid down to sleep, well she did, I sat there with my eyes open wondering if it was safe to question her. Finally I tried then drifted off to sleep. I dreamed for the first time in a long time about happy things, Cynthia’s thighs mainly. When I awoke, she was leaned up against the wall hiding us, sneakily peaking out into the pitch black night.

“Eveni…,” I said before she looked down at me scowling giving me the quiet gesture. I snapped up immediately outside I could hear voices when I did. They milled around a holed out Prius talking, were they after us? No, I don’t think so, they weren’t trying to get into the storm drain.

We sat and listened to their conversation for a while, obviously a gang of some sort, and they probably wouldn’t take to kindly to us wandering through their territory.
Suddenly though there was a different noise, a rattling from the distance, I looked at Cynthia and my heart stopped, she looked worried, and not just a little either, it was almost terror.

The men outside hadn’t heard it yet, they talked loudly until one of them shushed the others. But by then it was too late, from the sky, out of nowhere, in dropped a figure.  It landed hard on the roof of the Prius bottoming out the already busted shocks.

The men stood there silent, the figure on the roof standing motionless, it was facing away from me so I couldn’t see its face. I wish it stayed that way. I’ve eaten rats, stabbed people in the neck, hell a few hours ago I blew some fruits head off, but this, this brown trousers territory even for me.

It span eerily slow, and faced the two men closest to us, finally I saw what had come to scare Cynthia so much. Under the blue helmet really lay nothing, nothing but a mouth, it was enormous though, the teeth looked to be the twice the size they should have been.

Its jaws were huge and distended, muscular to the point where you could hear the ligaments working when to opened its mouth, the rest of its body though thin and bony its dark, wet skin showing through its ripped clothes. And then the noise, the creature looked down on one of the men who still stood there frozen, it’s teeth began to chatter, it was as if that was the only noise that had ever existed, it echoed through the tunnel, almost unbearably.

I covered my ears and kept looking, but it only got loudly… and then it attacked, it was vicious to the point where I couldn’t look, you haven’t been afraid till you’ve heard the noise of a skull being chewed into powder.

And then… nothing like the whole event had never happened, if it weren’t for the remains of a Prius and an terrific amount of blood and gore it never would have happened. I looked up at Cynthia she still stood there leaned against the wall ears covered staring straight at the other wall in front of her. Pale and shaken to an incredible degree. I grabbed her hands and ripped them away from her ears

“What the fuck was that?” I said slowly
“Chatterbox... UNknown… we should wait a bit till we move,” she said slowly coming back to reality.
“So its true… are they all like that?” I asked siting back down.
“No… their not all that bad… but then again there is also a lot worse,” she said going back to her bag and pulling out a few morsels of food.
“Great,” I replied, worse than that… something to look forward to then.

If you wish to write a chapter in our ongoing, political satire novel, please head to Mild Max for all the details.