Political Humor

I love the smell of liberal desperation in the morning. And when it comes to climate change they are pulling out all the stops.

Bolivia gave up pushing drugs and now peddles Earth Rights.

UNITED NATIONS — Bolivia will this month table a draft United Nations treaty giving “Mother Earth” the same rights as humans — having just passed a domestic law that does the same for bugs, trees and all other natural things in the South American country…

…That document speaks of the country’s natural resources as “blessings,” and grants the Earth a series of specific rights that include rights to life, water and clean air; the right to repair livelihoods affected by human activities; and the right to be free from pollution.

Is Raid banned?

Do I get arrested for murder if I accidentally run over a squirrel that ran out in front of my car?

If someone is breaking a lot of wind will they have to pay a methane discharge fee?

And if I step on grass am I trampling on my lawn’s right to exist and be free from the soles of human intervention?

Oh it gets better…

It also establishes a Ministry of Mother Earth, and provides the planet with an ombudsman whose job is to hear nature’s complaints as voiced by activist and other groups, including the state.

There is no truth to the rumor Al Gore already submitted his application.

I’m kind of disappointed they did not call it the Ministry of Gaia or perhaps Silly Walks.

h/t Heritage Blog.

If the the Republicans don’t cave in to the demands of Democrats on the Budget, the government will shut down. The Democrats would like you to believe that if there is a government shutdown, then poor school children will be forced to kill and cook their grandparents for food — and to save their grandparents the indignity of being a further burden to ObamaCare.

This is a lie. What is far more insidious about the potential for a government shutdown is that the National Parks will be forced to shut down. You may think it’s no big deal for our national parks to be unfunded, but that is horribly incorrect.

The truth is far more terrifying that any Lord of the Flies style dystopia that could be conjured up by overactive imaginations and generally condescending views of people as perpetual helpless victims of Tea Party brutality.

Yes. The TRUTH is that if the government shuts down, a natural disaster of Biblical proportions would occur. Many people are not aware that Yellowstone is a supervolcano, and if it blows, it will make every disaster – man made and natural combined – look like nothing by comparison.

The Earth will be shrouded in darkness and enveloped by ash. The Global Warming Hoax will be declared officially dead as, according to Open University Vulcanologist Professor Stephen Self:

“An area the size of North America can be devastated and pronounced deterioration of global climate would be expected for a few years following the eruption,” Professor Self explained. “They could result in the devastation of world agriculture, severe disruption of food supplies and mass starvation. These effects could be sufficiently severe to threaten the fabric of civilisation.”

Acid rain will pour down from the sky, poisoning the water supply with over 2000 million tons of sulfuric acid being spewed forth from an exploding, and unfunded Yellowstone. Worse yet,

“Fema had no contingency plans for a disaster on this scale. The largest disaster they ever had to deal with was 9/11 and that stretched their resources to the limit,”

Even if they did, THEY WOULDN’T BE FUNDED!

It gets worse still. According to MoveOn.Org “Republican budget cuts to the Department of Energy’s Office of Science could kill.” Indeed it will, as SCIENCE!™ is the only hope humanity has to avert this global natural disaster, and Republicans want to defund the very scientific discoveries that will keep Yellowstone at bay.

It is essential to fund SCIENCE!™ so that intelligent Scienticians can come to a consensus that an additional two or three Trillion dollars in federal government deficit spending will keep Yellowstone at bay — For NOW (dun, dun, dunnnn).

If that doesn’t work, I say we launch a pre-emptive strike against Yellowstone and attack before it unleashes it’s fury and rage towards evil conservatives who are Hell bent on gutting Medicare, killing old people, and starving small children. Remember, it’s only okay to harm children before they are born. After they’re born, you’re supposed to frighten them about global warming.

If this budget doesn’t pass, you can forget about your stocked up canned goods and plastic wrap. We’re all doomed, and it will all be the fault of the Tea Party.

But “hope lies eternal” that the Republicans will stop kowtowing to the Tea Party extremists that have been running the party. Disaster may be averted, but only if we can all agree to spend, spend, spend, spend.

Greenland is melting! Run for your lives!

Republicans and big corporations first! (I have to appease my paymasters).

According to an article on newsy.com — I guess it’s only newsy, like news-ish, and not really actual news — a NASA study says ice is melting adding much faster rate than previously calculated. We are supposed to be terrified, because Greenland is apparently getting warmer.

Please, Gaia! Forgive us for being the deadly viral infection we are. Please! Don’t let Greenland ever be green again!

A new NASA study finds both the Arctic and Antarctic ice caps are melting at a much faster rate than previously believed. The 18-year study discovered the ice sheets are now the number one contributor to rising sea levels.

Repent! Repent! It’s not too late! Yes it is. It’s too late! Ω

The study says the melting ice sheets would add 5.9 inches to the sea level. Along with mountain ice melting and other factors – the sea level will actually rise 12.6 inches. A writer for Ars Technica says – this is very bad news for lowland areas.

Nearly absent from this story is the date for which this global annihilation is to occur. That year would be 2050. it appears toward the top of the page in a portion of text that doesn’t seem to be part of the story yet. Following the link to the ArsTechnica article also reveals this date in the last paragraph. It would seem to me that if a story is alleging impending doom, then it might be important to make the “WHEN” of it all a little more prominent.

The Global Warming Cult who believes in the solid-state model of the Earth believe nothing has ever changed and the earth has remained exactly like it is for all of eternity — Until humans came along and fucked it all up.

You go first since you’re so cheerful and chipper about it. Lead by example.

Let’s get back to our enlightened scienticians and their prophecies of global warming doom. ArsTechnica:

Sea levels have been rising nearly unabated since the late 19th century, but rates have been increasing in recent years

Before you bolt off for the nearest Mars mission to escape the Earth Armegeddon, let’s just look at the previous statement a little closer. In NASA’s own glossary right there on NASA.gov you’ll see a reference to Little Ice Age. You’ll have to scroll down a little.

Little Ice Age
A cold period that lasted from about A.D. 1550 to about A.D. 1850 in Europe, North America, and Asia.

Let’s rewrite that ArsTechnica sentence a bit with our newfound context.

Sea levels have been rising nearly unabated since the end of the Little Ice Age.

Crap. That just doesn’t sound at all frightenting. How are we supposed to strip people of their civil liberties and usurp authority if they all know that nothing at all odd is happening and the Earth is just returning to a perfectly normal warmer state? That will never work.

But wait, there’s more!

Melting ice cap triggering earthquakes – Guardian

Eco-nazis had to dig all the way back to 2007 to blame the recent Japanese quake on global warming. Not surprising since there’s no new “evidence” of global warming.

The Greenland ice cap is melting so quickly that it is triggering earthquakes as pieces of ice several cubic kilometres in size break off.

How, you ask?

Veli Kallio, a Finnish scientist, said the quakes were triggered because ice had broken away after being fused to the rock for hundreds of years.

Translation: Because we’re Scienticians and you’re a stupid doodoohead and we said so. Now go buy some of those Mercury Bulbs, a car that runs on electricity supplied by nuclear fission, or burning coal and shut the Hell up.

Dammit! Why can’t that ice just stay put?

Global warming is the new Cold War, and just as the threat of global annihilation in the 1950s and 1960s terrified children, the new threat of global annihilation by natural process has replaced the duck and cover exercise with the Ration and Recycle. Our children are being taught lies in the name of science. Here’s an actual quote from my stepdaughters homework assignment on the greenhouse effect stated, “the greenhouse effect is a problem that must be solved.”

Schools are quite literally teaching children that the very natural process that allows there to be life on this planet is some sort of dangerous pollution that humans must do anything at any cost to eliminate. The greenhouse effect is the process by which heat is retained on the Earth, thus allowing there to be life here. The curriculum being taught to our children deliberately conflates the concept of pollution (like mercury), with the process of heat retention.

The Solid State Earthers™ and their People’s Temple Cult of Global Warming™ want everyone to believe that it is unnatural and dangerous for the average global temperature — whatever the Hell that means — to be increasing. But it’s not. In fact, since the end of the Little Ice Age, the Earth and humanity have prospered because of the increase in temperature. More diverse forms of life can exist where it is warmer. Compare the varieties of life in areas near the equator to the numbers of varieties of life in the polar regions and it becomes clearer comparing these extremes which is the sort of temperature that is more supportive of life.

I can understand the very human concerns that many have for the state of property in areas where the coastline may move inland. However the Earth is not in a solid state. It has changed many times over the years. Coastlines change. It’s a natural process.

We Humans may consider our structures and homes to be permanent, and to be designed to be permanent, but they’re not. The earth is ever changing and humanity now has over six billion people populating this planet precisely because we have a fantastic ability to adapt.

I’m amazed by some of the inhospitable places where life can exist and where humans can thrive. Yet I find it fascinating how many people are ignorant of the fact that the earth can transform itself, and that it is not necessarily a process of destruction caused by humans.

Take a deep breath. People have been predicting the end of the world ever since the beginning of it. There’s no need to hop a flight to Mars any time soon. The Earth is safe for a few billion more years.

Plus, you really don’t want to take your chances going into outer space with coked up NASA engineers shooting down space junk with lasers.