Political Humor

You thought the ridiculous notion that outdoor grilling contributes to man-made global warming, ahem I mean climate change, was insane? Wait until you hear this one.

PARIS (AFP) – The world’s association of camel scientists fought back angrily on Monday over Australian plans to kill wild dromedaries on the grounds that their flatulence adds to global warming…

The kill-a-camel suggestion is floated in a paper distributed by Australia’s Department of Climate Change and Energy Efficiency, as part of consultations for reducing the country’s carbon footprint.

The scheme is the brainchild of an Adelaide-based commercial company, Northwest Carbon, a land and animal management consultancy, which proposes whacking feral camels in exchange for carbon credits.

Whacking? Is the mafia going to be involved? Instead of Sonny getting killed at the toll booth it will be camels.

Killing animals for carbon credits does not make much sense since the issue is methane. But Northwest Carbon has a fallacy workaround.

Each camel, according to the champions of a cull, emits 45 kilos (99 pounds) of methane, the equivalent of one tonne a year in carbon dioxide (CO2), the main warming gas.

See what they did there? Methane is the straw man so if it is equated to CO2 they can argue it is just as dangerous and worthy of carbon credits.

Of course Northwest Carbon will be very humane in their killing of wild animals to stop global warming, damnit I meant to say climate change.

Northwest Carbon says it would shoot the camels from helicopters or corral them before sending them to an abattoir for eating by humans or pets.

Remember the flak Sarah Palin got for doing the same thing? But this time it is okay because these are liberals killing defenseless wild animals and if we don’t do this the world will catch on fire. Or something like that.

Besides, camels are way less cuter than polar bears.
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UPDATE 8/06/11: The article I quoted from has gone down the memory hole. From here on in I’m taking screenshots of this stuff. Here is another one on the topic.

The climate change alarmists are gearing up for the next scare-tival this week with a round of “discussions” on Global Warming.

I would not marry a bureaucrat. It would take forever to divorce her. The “discussions” would be endless, as well as the paperwork.

Anyway, this week in Bonn, Germany a bunch of moonbats will gather to commiserate over the recent bad news about all this carbon dioxide, I mean pollution in the air:

Despite 20 years of effort, greenhouse gas emissions are going up instead of down, hitting record highs as climate negotiators gather to debate a new global warming accord.

The new report by the International Energy Agency showing high emissions from fossil fuels is one of several pieces of bad news facing delegates from about 180 countries heading to Bonn, Germany, for two weeks of talks beginning Monday.

So how much CO2 did we, the evil humans add last year? 30 gigatons, which happens to be 333,333,334 million tons. Holy crap do they realize that goes completely against the Warmists’ oft-repeated claims of 20-30 billion?

Man, imagine if they also revealed that all our exhaling, driving, bbq’ing, and other fossil fuel-using activities added a whopping .0000056% CO2* in 2010.

We added point zero zero zero zero zero fifty-six percent more CO2 to an atmosphere that clearly cannot handle this kind of dramatic swing in the amount of gases in its system.

The horrors!

We should be ashamed of ourselves for allowing such a travesty to happen. We should be feeling outrageously outrageous outrage like Fatih Birol is experiencing.

Fatih Birol, the IEA’s chief economist, says the energy trend should be “a wake-up call.”

.0000056% Fatih. Not much of a wake-up call. Is the cell phone on silent? And if the phone doesn’t ring should we assume it is the energy trend?

And just in case the “scare the crap out of voters by positioning .0000056% as significant change in CO2 concentration” meme doesn’t work the Climate Changers have a backup: “humans have been screwing up the climate for like forever man“. Whatever floats your boat.

Poor countries say the wealthy West, whose industries overloaded the atmosphere with carbon dioxide and other climate-changing gases over the last 200 years, is not doing enough to cut future pollution.

See what they did there? They took decades of CO2 “pollution” and morphed it into 200 years of planet abuse.

Humans: screwing up the atmosphere since 1811.

*333 mill of CO2 divided into the 6,000,000,000,000,000 quadrillion tons of the atmosphere is .0000056% of the total weight.

Check out Chris Cameron’s other ramblings and satire at his blog Trees Hate Hugs. A water cooler for your browser.

The way science is suppose to work, is that some totally brainy individual comes up with a notion. Those of us in the know, call this a Hy-poth-e-sis. Then these Bill Nye wannabes try to disprove it. If, after a bunch of test and stuff, this Hypothesis thingy still seems sound, it gets sent out for a lot of other Eggheads to try to prove it false. This is called Peer Review. I’m submitting this scholarly work to my peers for review. That would be you. Please do your level best to show me why this awesome idea is not the answer to all of our problems. Thank you.

Les James                                                                                                                                          Doctor of Photography and Satirelogy

Part One of a Golly Gee Wiz, Super Smart, and Scientifically Cool, Fact-Filled Paper

Global Warming is happening. Duh! It’s been happening since the end of the last Ice Age. Apparently this is bad. Man didn’t cause it, but we can stop it.

Now that we have proof that the “fact” of anthropogenic Global Warming, caused by increased CO2, has been nothing but deception, perpetrated by “climate experts” using junk science and worse politics, let’s finally get serious about saving the earth from the real culprit –Oxygen.

O2 is responsible for almost all of the planet’s ills. Big Food and Big Supplements are constantly telling us that they have  products that contain Anti-oxidants. Anti means against, so these mega-corps are against oxidants. These products of theirs are supposed to help you live longer and better. If you do that, you’ll be around to buy more of their enriched cereals and multi-vitamins. Shameless bastards.

Big Insurance hasn’t found a way to make a profit off of this …yet. Rest assured when they do, you feel forced to buy oxidant insurance. Or maybe, they’ll start writing in an oxidantal death clause into their policies.

Anyway, Big Food and Supplements are on to something, but haven’t taken it far enough.

My Way Bright and Gnarly Hypothesis

If we would just cut down on oxygen, we could stave off the real cause of global warming, protect countless animal species, end starvation, eliminate the disparity between the rich and poor nations of the earth, increase live expectancy, decrease health care cost, and usher in an era of total equality. And we could do it cheaply.

The Process of Death

When oxygen is metabolized in air breathers, it causes mitochondrial degeneration of lipids, proteins, and DNA, by releasing Free Radicals. In other words, O2 causes cellular aging and diseases, and in the end, Kills. This is a very simplified explanation, but it illustrates the need to put a Cap on the electron transfers of this destructive process, and thereby stop the Trade of these Free Radicals, who seek our destruction.

Sulfur dioxide, carbon dioxide, nitrous oxide and water vapor (H2O) are the most damaging of the Greenhouse Gasses, but could not exist without oxygen. I’m not suggestion we eliminate oxygen altogether. Instead, I believe that by reducing the amount, by as little as 20%, we could significantly decrease these gasses, and provide Mother Earth the break that only humans can give. Instead of the roughly 21% O2 currently enjoys, let’s knock it down to about 17%.

Another benefit will be to industry. Rust, which never sleeps, is another unhealthy byproduct of oxygenation. It’s responsible for untold millions of dollars of infrastructure damage each year.

In other words, the very air we breathe is ruining our machines and killing us.

Next time, we’ll look at solutions.