Political Humor

Or The Obamunist Manifesto

When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the ideal of the individual that has allowed individuals to fail or succeed on their own merit and to become primarily devoted to the advancement of the collective and it’s agenda, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the abolishment.

We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men should be made to be the same, and are endowed by their government with certain inconstant rights that are to be changed as the government sees fit to protect man from himself, and swell the federal tax coffers. — That to administer these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from their good intentions and the ignorance of the governed, — That whenever any individual becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the government to jail it, shoot it, or to legislate and/or tax it into oblivion, and to institute new Government programs, laying its foundation on safety, and the populace’s inability to discern. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed. Ever. But when a long train of individuals and their lamentations, questioning invariably their government being reduced to absolute despotism, it is their government’s right, it is their government’s duty, to become increasingly more rigid, and to provide new Guards for government’s future security. — Such has been the patient sufferance of this government; and such is now the necessity which constrains it to alter its former Systems of Government. The history of the former President’s of the United States is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny of the individual over the collective. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

Some individuals have excess, while others have none.

Individuals have forbidden their Government to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless the government could reasonably show that the laws would not intrude on individual liberty.

Individuals have tried to stop their government from levying unnecessary taxes against them.

Some individuals have done harm to others.

In every stage of these Oppressions the government has tried to circumvent these protestations through the judiciary. Still, the tyranny of individual liberty protests.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the government of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of this government, solemnly publish and declare, That this united government is, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent from the tyranny of individualism, and that all political protection of the individual from the government ought to be totally dissolved; and that as a Free and Independent government, we have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things with no regard to the will of the individual. — And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of total prohibition on the individual to keep and bear arms, we pledge to destroy the individuals’ Lives, their Fortunes, and their sacred Honor.

JumpOut is currently declaring his independence at his law enforcement humor blog, You Should Be Tasered

The night was dark and damp. Tired of being oppressed by the witchcraft of capitalism, the mob gathered their torches and pitchforks and set out to make things right. They began by scouring the countryside in search of the witches and warlocks of capitalism.

As they approached the nearby airport, through the floodlights and fog, the mob could see a leer jet landing. The leader of the mob, a well dressed man with a funny name and big ears, turned to the mob and shouted, “We got one!”

As the jet landed the mob stormed the airport. The pilot, preoccupied with landing the plane did not see the approaching danger as he parked the jet, and helped his passenger exit to the tarmac.

As the dapper passenger was walking to the terminal of this small outlying airport, the mob rushed in and seized him and the pilot. The two travelers, were in shock. The passenger shouted, “Stop! Leave us alone! Why are you doing this?”

The leader said, “You are a rich and powerful Warlock that runs a large company. You have been oppressing us workers with your profit-making witchcraft! We have arrested you! You will now be tried and executed!”

The passenger said, “You can’t do this!”

The mob chanted “Yes we can! Yes we can! Yes we can!”

“I practice no witchcraft,” the passenger explained, “I run a large company because I worked my way to the top. I went to school, and earned a degree. I worked very hard for my company, and earned everything I have!”

“Nobody earns a jet! We don’t have jets! Only through witchcraft can you obtain the ability to fly! You have sold your soul the Devil!” Exclaimed the mob’s leader.

“He turned me into a newt!” Shouted a voice from the mob.

The leader, bewildered asked, “Alright, who let Joe join the mob? I told you tell him we were going bowling and we didn’t have enough room for him. Great, now he’s going to be saying stupid stuff all night.

“As I was saying, we’re going to execute you as a warlock, and dismantle your company. You will not be allowed to use your witchcraft to oppress the proletariat anymore!”

“Look,” exclaimed the passenger, “my company employees thousands of people just like you. Men and women who are able to provide for their families because they work for me and my company. If you kill me and dismantle my company, you will be putting them out of work!”

The mob began to get to quiet, and look around. What this man said was making sense.

The leader shouted, “Lies! All lies! You cast your profit-making magic on them, and turned them into slaves! Nobody deserves to be rich while there are poor people! You will burn at the stake for your wickedness!”

“A fart on this executive!” Exclaimed Joe. The leader just shook his head.

The passenger replied, “If you kill me, how will that improve your situation? I’ll be dead, but you will still be what you are. On top of that, the thousands of men and women that work for me will be out of a job. Is that what you want?”

“”But he has got a wart!” Shouted Joe.

“Joe, for the love of Pete, shut up!” The leader scolded.

The pilot, who had been watching quietly interjected, “People, I am a working man, just like you. I’ve been watching these proceedings quietly, but I must speak out. Don’t you see what your leader is doing to to you? He isn’t one of you! He claims to be. He tells you what you want to hear, but he is not unemployed, or poor. He makes his money of your misery. If he uses you to kill men like my boss, soon there will be no way for you to provide for yourself with an honest day’s work. You will have to turn to him. He is trying to control you!”

The leader, realizing his mob was starting to be swayed by the impassioned speech from the pilot, had to think of something quick before the mob turned on him. He shouted, “But this guy has a jet! How many of you have a jet? And this guy spent a gazillion dollars remodeling his office! He negotiated a severance package in his contract that will pay him eighty gazillion dollars if he gets fired! That’s not fair!”

“Who weeps for these weeps for corruption!” Shouted Joe.

The mob became enraged. Chants of “Burn Him Now! Burn Him Now!” flooded forth.

How does this story end? We’ll see.

JumpOut is willing to lead your witch hunt for a small fee. You can find him at his law enforcement humor blog You Should Be Tasered.

I’ve decided I am supporting Vladimir Putin for President of the United States in 2012. Now, this is my own opinion, and I do not know how the other humorists, and satirists of Radioactive Liberty feel about my decision. This is not a blanket endorsement from this blog, only from me. I’m sure Fiar will be supporting himself as usual. Chris C will probably support a tuna or something, and I guess Les is going for Pennywise (the demonic clown not the crappy band). While those are all solid choices, I think Mr. Putin is far and away the best choice to lead this country going forward.

See, Congress has just spent a hundred gazillion dollars buying up private property, and shares in corporations. All hundred gazillion of those dollars belong to the American people. I feel Putin could have saved us a considerable amount of taxpayer dollars. He probably would have just taken all that stuff by force without paying for it. The end result is the same, except for the executives that might have been executed for speaking out against Putin’s takeover, but it would cost far less money.

The Democrats in Congress are wanting to resurrect the “Fairness Doctrine” which would, in effect, end conservative talk radio. See, liberal talk radio loses money every time. Conservative talk radio makes money. By forcing conservative talk radio to add liberal talk radio, talk radio is no longer profitable. All the stations will be playing light airy favorites of the seventies and eighties. Then, the only media voices you’ll hear will be Keith Olbermann, and Joy Beharr. What fun. President Putin on the other hand would end conservative radio, liberal radio, and would likely execute the hosts of The View for being insufferable cunts. That’s a policy I can get behind.

There’s an old saying that goes “If you’re gonna be a bear, be a grizzly bear.” Maybe in this case it should be “If you’re gonna be a bear be a Soviet bear.” The point is the same. Why do things half-assed? At least Putin will defend our borders, and make sure islamofascists are afraid to mess with us. The bright side is we won’t have to suffer through another one of those lame “Chill wind” speeches from Hollywood types. They’ll either embrace the new administration or die. Preferably the latter.

If you liked this, you’ll love the law enforcement humor and political satire of JumpOut’s own blog: You Should be Tasered.