Political Humor

So, Weiner was hacked by a prankster looking to make fun of his last name with a picture of what possibly could be his junk. Or not, he can’t be certain.

Don’t worry because he has launched an investigation. Guess who he hired?

Fresh off the case of the Alphabet Bandit (the one where they discovered the M was actually disquised as a W), Daily KOS CSI arrived on the scene and determined this was a conspiracy.

See, the user hacked Weiner’s account, posted the picture, took a screenshot, then either surrendered control to Weiner or deleted the picture himself. Then he sent the screenshot to Big Government, who posted it there.

Despite the best efforts of Daily KOS law enforcement the hacker remains at large. All Democratic Congresspersons are advised to be aware and prepared, and ready in case the hacker decides to post incriminating pictures on their twitter accounts.

He could strike at any time.

And conservatives are joining the search for the hacker at large too. Gateway Pundit is offering a $200 reward for information leading to the capture of the Weinergate Hacker. Iowahawk has put up $1,000 to bring the Weiner Hacker to justice.

This is the second edition of Political Humor Under Fiar, a brief — and apparently quarterly — roundup of the days current events.

Democrats Keep Dropping Like Flies

The Democrats are working overtime to spin the retirement of Evan Bayh as a win for Liberalism. They’re just not ready to kiss their asses goodbye yet. Bayh is being depicted as one of

“a growing line of pragmatic, find-a-way politicians who are abandoning Washington.”

In some cases he is even being depicted as a conservative, even though he was a through and through, tow-the-party-line Democrat. He could be counted on to vote in lock step with the Party on legislation, but if they were to tell us that, then the story here would be that the Democrats have suffered yet another blow.

Instead, the story is that “The moderate middle is disappearing from Congress.” I’m not sure how that is even a story. All you get from Moderates is useless conciliation that gives us watered down compromises that result in everyone being dissatisfied with the result.

The mantra of the day is “Gridlock.” When Republican legislation is blocked by filibuster, or whatever, it is a Glorious Day. The country is saved, but when the Democrat agenda is foiled, even with the majority in both houses of Congress, it is “gridlock” and if we don’t find a way to ram The New New Stimulus Pork Bill through to passage the country just might not survive, what with the initial 3 trillion dollars being of so much help and all.

Senator Arlen Specter observed that it is easier to raise money for political campaigns when you are on the “fringe” of the party, noting that,

“I have to work a lot harder than somebody who has an ideological base.”

So, to recap, it’s easier to get elected when you have actual principles to campaign on. Who woulda thunk it?

The REAL story of Bayh stepping down is the admission of the fact that government serves no measurable useful purpose. Bayh has reported that he is rejoining the private sector in order to have “Real accomplishments in a real way.” Thus proving the point that the biggest problem with politicians is that they want to be politicians, instead of contributing to society.

In related News, when Democrats don’t retire, they just die. They’re still eligible to vote, of course. First it was Ted Kennedy, and more recently John Murtha died while having gall bladder surgery. According to an AP report on Congressman John Murtha’s funeral

“U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is remembering congressman John Murtha at his Pennsylvania funeral as a friend to men and women in the military.”

A friend to men and women in the military? This would, of course, be the very same John Murtha that said of the Marines involved in the Haditha case,

“There was no firefight. There was no IED that killed these innocent people. Our troops overreacted because of the pressure on them, and they killed innocent civilians in cold blood.”

The charges were ultimately dropped. With friends like Murtha, who needs enemas? Perhaps I’m just being a bitter Pennsylvanian.

King Tut Autopsy

Speaking of dead politicians, DNA testing shows that the famous Egyptian Pharaoh, King Tut, died of malaria. Mosquitoes, which carry malaria, are one of the deadliest creatures on the face of the Earth. Since the time of the hysteria over DDT instigated by Rachael Carson, millions more have died from a common and preventable disease.

Thankfully, technology may be coming to the rescue once more, albeit a few thousand years too late for King Tut. A company called Intellectual Ventures has developed a laser that targets mosquitoes. It’s like Starship Troopers on a miniature scale.

Additional conclusions from the study show King Tut also suffered from an infected broken leg and that he had many health problems due to “genetic deformations caused by the marriage of his father Akhenaten to his sister.” I never knew that Tut was from Mississippi?

That wraps up this edition of Political Humor Under Fiar. Leave words of praise and admiration in the comments section. See you in three months.

Intro to a lengthy post

In a fatty of a RL Inquirer exclusive, today we’ll explore the no stems, no seeds side of American politics. Our team of crack undercover, investigative reporters have left no stone gathering moss in pursuit of a good story, and lacking that… the truth.

We dressed like housewives. We dressed like students. Sometimes in suit and a tie. Oops, sorry, that was for the Town Hall meetings. Which reminds me. Chris C, my wife wants her skirt and blouse back. Oh, and she told me to tell you that you’ve got nice legs.

Ramble on

So, let’s get on with this fine piece of journalism.

It’s rather apparent to me that our high government officials are smoking something. How else can you explain the utter stupidity we’re getting for leadership? You know what I think they’re passing around in the Congressional Cloakroom and Oval Office? Funny Money, and it’s the best funny money that, ah, money can buy.

I’m not aiming this accusation only at the Democrats. Oh, no. At the very least, you Republicans are guilty of hanging around and getting a contact buzz. Though I suspect many of you have been taking a few hits too.

Congress has been flyin’ high, and not on a new fleet of Gulfstream G5s. Here’s an idea, why not pass a Bill stating that they can do that whenever they like? I’ve got a list of cliffs and tall building where they could practice. Sorry. Zoning out in a pleasant daydream again.

Get on with it, already

Why’s this happening? Simple. In an age of Roll You’re Own pork barrel projects and Johnny Can’t Read representation, it makes perfect sense to believe you can do almost anything you want as a member of Congress. Who’s going to stop ‘em? A bunch of angry, Un-American, political terrorist? Perish the thought.

What does all of this have to do with Funny Money? Not a thing.(Enter an awkward transitional sentence and segue back to our topic de jour… or not.)

When you think about it, it all makes sense. Joint sessions of Congress gain a whole new meaning. These guys have been burning cash like a frat party goes through Pabst Blue Ribbon. Congress has got the munchies, big time. The only thing that seems to help fill that hunger, is more spending.

Except the country’s flat ass broke. There’s no way they can afford this fine smoke, can they? No, but your grandchildren can. With prices falling in the housing market, unemployment nearing double digits, and the value of the U.S. dollar hovering around that of Zimbabwe’s, you wouldn’t think the Greenback was worth the paper it was printed on. And up until Obama took office, you’d have been right.

A bit of back story

Secretly over the last six months, almost all of the U.S. folding currency has been removed from circulation and replaced. But instead of the U.S. Mint handling the manufacture of the new dollars, Obama’s Currency Czar, Michael Phelps, has set up a clandestine printing operation in Eugene, Oregon.

Former 1970′s employees of the Zig-Zag rolling paper company have been assembled in Eugene to work at a shut down lumber mill, that houses this secret plant. The mill was closed some years ago because a single breading pair of spotted owls was seen vacationing in a nearby old-growth forest. Since burned-out hippies are a common sight in this town and these laid-back workers haven’t attracted any unwanted attention.

The high cotton content of the old bucks has been replaced a high hemp content in the new. Strong, durable, much “greener” than the traditional blue jeans material -and usually associated with man purses- hemp in and of itself is not much good for finding humor Pauly Shore movies. Lacking all but tract amounts of THC, the new currency is given its punch through dye made from the leaves of pot plants. The actual extraction method is closely guarded and known only to a few Rastafarian craftsmen.

This program goes back many years, and was the brain child of Bill “I never inhaled” Clinton. He began the program by working with groups on both sides of the border. Upstanding Mexican citizens have been moving the product into the country for years. It’s been processed and stored in various locations across the country, awaiting the day production could begin.

Don’t think Bush wasn’t in on it too. Why do you think he never closed the border and had such a difficult time pronouncing nuclear? Didn’t that lame smile ever make you wonder?

Back to the Future

If you’ve been asking yourself, ‘where all the money’s going?’ It’s going up in smoke. The EPA has estimated that all that cash burning will raise the global temperature .0002 degrees centigrade, over the next year. This will cause the polar ice caps to melt an addition 50%. And that will be enough to flood New Orleans, The Hampton, and polish off the Galapagos Islands. Easter Island will barely be able to keeps its heads above water. But do these 60′s dope smokers care? No. They only care about where their next stash of cash will come from.

Living high on the hog, instead of lighting their Havanas with hundred dollar bills, now Congress is puffing on C notes. (This is in no way a homo joke about Larry Craig or Barney Frank.) Although a problem has arisen with our new legal tender. The North Koreans have been counterfeiting our currency. Apparently they’ve been using toilet paper as a base material -causing a shortage in their own country. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, not all of the TP is virginal.

Next time you see your representative looking like they’ve just smoked some good shit, you’ll know why.

[ed: that was a long frikkin' way to go for a sorry punchline]