Political Humor

I’ve decided I am supporting Vladimir Putin for President of the United States in 2012. Now, this is my own opinion, and I do not know how the other humorists, and satirists of Radioactive Liberty feel about my decision. This is not a blanket endorsement from this blog, only from me. I’m sure Fiar will be supporting himself as usual. Chris C will probably support a tuna or something, and I guess Les is going for Pennywise (the demonic clown not the crappy band). While those are all solid choices, I think Mr. Putin is far and away the best choice to lead this country going forward.

See, Congress has just spent a hundred gazillion dollars buying up private property, and shares in corporations. All hundred gazillion of those dollars belong to the American people. I feel Putin could have saved us a considerable amount of taxpayer dollars. He probably would have just taken all that stuff by force without paying for it. The end result is the same, except for the executives that might have been executed for speaking out against Putin’s takeover, but it would cost far less money.

The Democrats in Congress are wanting to resurrect the “Fairness Doctrine” which would, in effect, end conservative talk radio. See, liberal talk radio loses money every time. Conservative talk radio makes money. By forcing conservative talk radio to add liberal talk radio, talk radio is no longer profitable. All the stations will be playing light airy favorites of the seventies and eighties. Then, the only media voices you’ll hear will be Keith Olbermann, and Joy Beharr. What fun. President Putin on the other hand would end conservative radio, liberal radio, and would likely execute the hosts of The View for being insufferable cunts. That’s a policy I can get behind.

There’s an old saying that goes “If you’re gonna be a bear, be a grizzly bear.” Maybe in this case it should be “If you’re gonna be a bear be a Soviet bear.” The point is the same. Why do things half-assed? At least Putin will defend our borders, and make sure islamofascists are afraid to mess with us. The bright side is we won’t have to suffer through another one of those lame “Chill wind” speeches from Hollywood types. They’ll either embrace the new administration or die. Preferably the latter.

If you liked this, you’ll love the law enforcement humor and political satire of JumpOut’s own blog: You Should be Tasered.

Shortly before the 2008 election, Nancy Pelosi informed voters that if they elected more Democrats to the House and Senate, we would have an even more bipartisan Congress.

if the Democrats win, and have substantial majorities, Congress of the United States will be more bipartisan,”

This was one of those moments of accidental transparency in our elected representatives. It’s like when President Barack Obama made the “punished with a baby” quip.

Pelosi pointed out that the true and meaningful definition of bipartisanship is voting in lockstep with Democrats. So what she really said was, “if the Democrats win and have substantial majorities, Congress of the United States of America will vote more in lockstep with Democrats.”

Oh sure, we point and laugh, but the Democrats are usually pretty good at guarding their real agendas from the American people. Pelosi made the sort of Freudian slip where the political jokes almost write themselves.

Why does bipartisanship even matter? Somewhere in history, someone decided it was a good thing to stop fighting to win, and settle for second best. Instead of putting one side against the other, and letting the victor take the spoils – loser walks – it was better to find a watered down solution that really didn’t resemble either idea.

My guess is Ugh and Mugh were throwing rocks at each other, and then one day they decided that it was better to find out what they had in common, and stop throwing rocks at each other. In this respect, it probably was a fairly productive way of preserving the species through cooperation.

We always hear bipartisan this and bipartisanship that, and the whole idea is based on the notion that it’s better to meet in the middle somewhere, find common ground, and come to an agreement that satisfies no one. Instead bipartisan means that Republicans have to break campaign promises and tow the Democrat Party line.

Meanwhile, their constituents scream and yell, “Whoa! Hey! That’s the wrong hole!” The Republican representative replies with, “yeah… uh.. I forgot the lube too. I hope you don’t mind.” Some people enjoy this. That’s how Democrats get elected.

The Democrats understand that people think the continual rock fight between Ugh and Mugh is counterproductive, so the Democrats have taken this idea of compromise, and bastardized it into meaning, “tow the Democrat line you ugly pig puke Republican.”

Bipartisan means that Ugh now beats Mugh in the head with a rock, but it’s consensual. You see, in this case, it makes more sense to keep throwing rocks back than it does to relegate yourself to the role of subservient victim. In this respect, cooperation with your abuser is not a productive way of preserving the species.

Now that the Democrats have a substantial majority in Congress, and Teh Chozen One!!11!1 in the White House, we may see more examples in the future of Democrats making the type of Freudian slip that Pelosi made. I wonder what they might be. Will President Obama accidentally tell the press core that he hates his wife. Mr. President, when did you stop beating your wife? I would like a notarized and time stamped verification.

I think it is likely that Speaker of the House Pelosi will reveal the truth about herself. I always thought that she was cobbled together from various cadavers, like Dr. Frankenstein’s monster, but Frankenstein’s monster wanted to have a soul, unlike Pelosi. I don’t even think it is the surprise ending of The Crying Game.

My theory is that Nancy Pelosi is actually a Lizard alien from outer space. One of these days, she’s going to let it slip out. Perhaps while she is eating a live Gerbil for lunch.

What do you think?

?egnahC: A Vision of the Apocalypse

And then on the fourth day, teh Messiah had risen to power set to reign for four years, and he brought with him the minions and ghouls of the Underworld known as Congress. And Lo the most merciful Lord Obama sent out the Whore of the Bay whose face was stretched in hideous, and terrifying fashion. With her she carried four seals.

And when the Ghoulosi opened the first seal the Earth beheld a white horse. His rider is always right, and he was given a satirical bow and crown. He was given the power of conquering, and to conquer small, oil rich countries, and the blogosphere. He rode forth and trampled many hippies, and moonbats beneath the white horse’s jackboots.

And ye then did she open the second seal, and the earth beheld a red horse. Power was given unto it’s rider to distort the images of the web, to make them attack those that may be in them. A great sword of humor and satire was given unto him that those who did not find his work funny would laugh anyway.

When the Whore opened the third seal, there emerged a black horse. The rider carried with him a pair of balances. Ghoulosi said unto him a measure of satire for a penny, and three measures of humor for a penny. The rider replied,”You mean I get paid for this? Sweet!” to which the whore replied, “We get it all back in taxes, but take with you this Angry Seafood to unleash upon the earth.”

The fourth seal was then opened, and behold a pale horse. His rider’s name was JumpOut and humor and satire followed with him. And power was given unto them to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth. Hilarity ensued.

I’m here bitches, tremble.

Image Credit: March of the Undead by Lainmoon