Political Humor

I recently discovered this amazing political humor site. I googled conservative political humor, and it was the top result. I took a look around, and from what I’ve seen, Les James and Chris C, who apparently own and operate the site do an excellent job. In a comment on the recent Elena Kagan piece, “Mrs. T” said,

I propose an experiment. Print out what you write then show it to ten complete strangers, be sure to take full credit for your work and record the results.

I assure you Mrs. T, I am a complete stranger, and what is coming from the gaping hole that Les James calls a mouth is top quality politcal humor.

Senator Bendict Arlen Specter was defeated in the Democrat Primary by Congressman Joe Sestak. Back in April 2009 Specter switched from the Republican Party to the Democrats based on the premise that he would be more likely to get elected as a Democrat.

Oops. Hey Arlen, is that egg on your face?

Why, yes it is, Fiar. Eggs Benedict, in fact.

President Obama visited Youngstown, Ohio to act as Cheerleader in Chief for his Economic policies. He told the citizens of Ohio, where unemployment is hovering around 15%

“I think any fair-minded person would say that if we hadn’t acted, more people in the Mahoning Valley, more people in Ohio, and more people across America would be out of work today.”

Teleprompter, telepromter. Wherefore art thou Teleprompter?

That’s always a good tactic. Go to someone who has it bad and tell them how much worse they would be if not for your saving grace. Then again, that is a standard from the Democrat Playbook. When a policy isn’t showing any evidence of having any benefit at all whatsoever, just pull a claim out of your ass that things would be worse without your policy.

Obama’s language feels like if you crashed your car into someone, and then said, “What the Hell are you complaining about? If I hadn’t tapped the brakes, you could be dead. Don’t you see how indebted to me you are?”

Finally, the Internet is buzzing with controversy over pole dancing Miss USA Rima Fakih and her Muslim heritage. One headline I saw even asked if she qualifies as a real Muslim. I, for one, would like to see more pole dancing female Muslims.

It would be a big improvement over the ever fashionable full body Hefty Cinch Sacks. I think the dominant sect of Islam needs to be the St’rippah sect. Then there might be a lot less violence comitted by people of ambiguous religious and cultural heritage.

That’s all I have for now. I would like to thanks Les James and Chris C for allowing me to guest post on their site. I’m new to this whole political humor blogging thing, but I think It’s customary for me to beg for comments now.

Fox: Welcome to Are You Smarter Than A Democrat? I’m your host Fox Worthy. Tonight we have Mrs. Gretta Jones from Phoenix, Arizona. Gretta is a housewife and mother of three, who was never interested in politics until this past year. She credits her next door neighbor with turning her on to Glenn Beck. Gretta is now a registered Independent and attends Tea Parties.

She’ll be playing against this week’s Unknown Democrat Senator. As usual -to conceal their identity- the Senator will have his or hers voice run through a filter and will wear an empty money bag over the head. The symbolism of which is always lost on them. So let’s get started and find out… Gretta, Are You Smarter Than A Democrat? The Senator won the coin toss, so…

Senator: I’ll take 5^th Grade Math for $100, Alex. And let’s make it a true Daily Double.

Fox: Ah, Senator, you do realize this isn’t Jeopardy, right?

Senator: Why yes I do, and that’s my final answer.

Fox: Okay then… 5^th Grade Math it is. Senator, how many zeros are there in One Trillion?

Senator: I never learned that in 5^th Grade, it’s a trick question.

Fox: It’s not a trick. As difficult as it is to believe, there is such a number as One Trillion.

Senator: I’m telling you, there’s no such thing as a Trillion. It’s just made up. That’s why we always keep our estimates of the cost of any program just below that imaginary figure.

Fox: Is that your answer?

Senator: No. No, ah… my answer is…is… it doesn’t matter, zeros are just place holders. So…er…mmm… they don’t actually represent real money.

Fox: Oh, so sorry Senator. Gretta what’s your answer?

Gretta: Too frikkin’ many!

Fox: Yup, you’re right, too frikkin’ many. Senator, your next question is about illegal immigration. How many illegal immigrants are there in the United States?

Senator: African or European? Except the Africans. And certainly you’re not asking about those hard working Latinos, who are doing the jobs Americans won’t do? That would make you a racist.

Fox: I see where this is heading, and Homey don’t play dat. Gretta?

Gretta: Too frikking many!

Fox: Correct again. Gretta, it’s pretty obvious you’re smarter than the Senator, so let’s just pass ‘em over and give you a crack at the next…

Senator: What? Are you trying to vote me off the island? I won’t stand for it. Circle gets the Square. I wanna to use a Street Shout-out. What is, the migratory patterns of farm animals. I didn’t want to turn into a Family Feud. Sometimes things just happen. I thought she was over 18. It was consensual, I tell you…

Fox: Wow. Looks like the Senator has Spun the Wheel, and like the country, has come up bankrupt. Gretta are you ready to risk it all and go for the win?

Gretta: Darn straight. Let’s do this.

Fox: I love your attitude. Okay, it’s a two part question. First, tell me how many Democrats and RINOs are holding public offices, and second, what if anything, are you going to do about ‘em?

Gretta: Too frikkin’ many, and vote those SOBs right out!

Fox: Ah… I’m so sorry but you’re… RIGHT! Congratulations. Now there’s just one thing left to do. Look right in the camera. Now Gretta, what do you want to say to America?

Gretta: My name is Gretta Jones. I may just be a housewife and mother of three from the suburbs, but I Am Smarter Than A Democrat!

Fox: From all of us here, goodnight everybody, and may all your tea be sweet.

Credits

Fox Worthy – Himself

Gretta Jones – Herself

Unknown Dem Sen – Arlen (act like a lady) Specter

This has been a Filmways Presentation, Dahling

Hi, I’m JumpOut. Welcome to this Grand Old Party. Today, we’ll be looking at foundations. Foundations are very tricky to work with, but are of the utmost importance. If the foundation isn’t strong enough, or if the rest of the party isn’t built squarely upon the foundation, it will fail catastrophically.

Now, I’ve inspected this foundation, and I’ve found several things out of place. There are a few minor things that by themselves won’t cause catastrophic failure. There are also a couple of serious problems that if left unchecked will cause this party to collapse and kill anyone whose political career is underneath it.

We’ll start with the minor problems. There are a couple of joints in the foundation that don’t seem to meshing well. Do you see right here where the protectionist/isolationist meets free-trade? It’s causing some friction. There’s also some friction being caused by the Christian right rubbing up against the the South Park conservative. We’ll need to work this area where they meet to get them to mesh. We’ll need to apply a few fixes.

First, we’ll need some “The economy is a world economy” thinset. Once that dries we’ll have to apply some “stop giving free stuff to countries that hate us and ask for nothing in return” caulking. Once that joint is taken care of, we’ll have to sink some “all laws reflect someone’s morality” rebar, and cover the holes with “increasing the size of government for your pet Christian cause is still increasing the size of government” patches.

Now, on to the more serious problems. The previous two tenants of this party treated it poorly. They tried to pull the party away from the foundation. You see how it’s starting to lean? If this keeps going, this party will not be able to stand. Luckily, though this problem is serious, it only requires a simple, mechanical, fix. We’re going to take a sledgehammer, and beat the party back in line with the foundation. Simple enough. There is only one problem: We may not be able to swing the sledgehammer hard enough to move the party. Only time will tell.

Now, the most devastating problem with this Grand Old Party. Look at this rotten fiscal responsibility plank. This is one of load-bearing planks in this party. You see all that cash caked on to the plank? It’s all gunked up and needs some serious attention. It’s almost rotten right down to the core. We have to either remove the plank, or douse it in bleach and kill the biological cause of the decay. Because the owners of this party are traditionalists, we’re going to try to poor bleach on it, and see if there is anything salvageable underneath. If not, we’ll get a cult of personality plank from Lowe’s to replace it. It’s much more expensive, but it’s pretty, and easy to install.

Thanks for joining us today on This Grand Old Party. Tune in again in two years, and we’ll see how much progress has been made on these repairs. Hopefully we’ll be able to fix all these problems in no longer than four years. So, until next time, I’m JumpOut and this has been another presentation of This Grand Old Party. Goodnight.

In case you were interested, you can get plenty of JumpOut at his own law enforcement humor and political satire blog, You Should Be Tasered. JumpOut would also like to note Les James is big fat liar. JumpOut’s ego is much bigger than his head.

Image: Leaning House bu Ingorr