Political Humor

I’ve been noticing more and more political commercials lately where some empty headed celebrity endorses some sort of equally empty headed hint at how you, yes you can help stop global climate change. What is that change exactly? Is it warmer? Cooler? Warm in the summer and cold in the winter? Backwards in Australia?

Just what the fuck is climate change? Second. Why should I give a shit if I can save .000000003 kilowatt hours by switching off a reading light when I step out of the room for a few minutes? To he degree I even care, what I care about is my electric bill. Not saving the planet from climate change™. So, no. I won’t be using reusable toilet wipes.

I’m going to get real serious here for a second, so pardon me. Or don’t. I don’t really give a shit. When I’m dead. I’ll be DEAD. As such, I won’t care about ANYTHING anymore, because I will be incapable of caring, being that I’m dead, and all that. See there, that’s pretty much the definition of being dead.

So, the priority is quality of LIFE. In case you missed it, that would be the quality of MY life. Yes. I’ll be the evil conservative asshole here. Fuck the rest of you. I care about myself. ME. ME. ME.

The thing is, the rest of you denying that that is what your life is about. You’re either 100% full of shit. Or you’re deceiving even yourself. Even when it’s about other people, it’s really all about the self. Our ability to form relationships, as humans, is solely because there is a benefit for doing so. It’s still about the self, even when it doesn’t feel like it.

So, if it’s all about ME, and MY quality of life, then why shouldn’t I ask for a little better evidence that catastrophe is looming right around the corner than some sappy bullshit commercial with Noah Wylie telling me the polar bears are losing their habitat. I was buried under more snow yesterday than I can remember in my lifetime. Oh, but wait. The word of the day is climate change.

It’s not warming anymore. It’s Change. Perhaps part of all the Hope and Change promised by Obama. We get hope. Like, I hope I don’t lose the entire remaining balance in my 401k, because It’s already half of what it was 6 months ago. And change. We shuffle global warming under the rug, because it was all bullshit to begin with, and call it climate change.

Do people really just have no memory? It was not that long ago that the same vacant celebrities were telling us to shut off the power for an hour to fight global warming, but today, it is climate change we are fighting. What about the warming? Where did it go? Did we win the fight? Is it hiding in a corner? Did we kiss and make up? Is there some sort of treaty that was signed declaring a cease fire between humanity and global warming?

Come clean you disgusting bullshit artist swindling piece of shit pathetic excuse for human being rat shit con artist fuckers. There was never an ecological goal to begin with. The terminology changed for political expedience. Because there’s no warming. If there is no warming, and that was the hysteria. The issue is Dead.

Yes, Al Gore. The debate is over. Global warming is dead.

Clusterphobes Anonymous

Hi, my name’s Les and I’m Clusterphobic.

A chorus of voices rings out, “Hi Les, we’re Clusterphobes too!”

I’m what you use to call a con-ser-va-tive. But since that word no longer seems to hold the meaning it use to, I decided to come up with a different label.

Funny thing about this meeting, we don’t have a 12-step program. We don’t need one. None of us want to change. We like being Clusterphobes. Well, maybe like is the wrong word. We LOVE being Clusterphobes.

But just what does it mean to be Clusterphobic, you might be asking. The best way I know how to describe it, is by breaking down the term.

Definition of root words:
Cluster: a number of things of the same kind that are held together through a common bond, i.e. a bunch, group, gang or gaggle.

Phobia: pathological fear of something that is irrational or out of proportion. The problem here is, whose yardstick is it that is being used to measure the irrationality or the proportionality? I tell you what. It’s not mine.

So what this means is that Clusterphobia is a seemingly unwarranted dread of political parties, committees, government organizations, unions, boards or other similar groups, gangs, gaggles or… clusters.

Now you might think that it’s rather oxymoronic to have a group that fears groups. Kind of like a hermit colony. But I assure you, that’s not the case.

You see, we only fear -dread would be a better way to put it- certain groups, the groups that take the fun out of life. You know the ones. They vote for Dicktators!

Pissing Off the Left

Multiple studies have shown that us racist, bigoted, gay bashing, hate-filled, war mongers actually enjoy  happier, more satisfying social and sexual lives than our Socialist counterparts.

And this tends to piss the libs off. They start to toss about verbiage they heard on the nightly news or in the classroom.

Let’s look at one of the most commonly tossed about labels. We’re just paranoid, they will tell us. Apart from being one of the seminal albums of the 70′s, it holds a much more sinister connotation in the mouths of the Obamaites.

Paranoia: Fear of the supposed hostility from others. But remember, that doesn’t mean they really aren’t out to get you. Admittedly a bit cliché, but it gets the point across. Any right-winger who doesn’t believe that the left is out to get them just hasn’t had the pleasure of crossing their path.

They would take it a little further and say we’re angry, irrationally scared and probably prone to violence. That sounds much more like the traits of those who will be waiting in line for the Obama-Nation to hand out their jackboots, Billy clubs and brown shirts, when His civilian, internal peace keeping force is established.

In their opinion, a good bashing about or a little bit of government sponsored re-training, and those suffer from this condition, just might be turned into freethinking (translates: free from thinking), over tax paying citizens of the world.

Then we too can marvel and wonder at just how anyone ever managed to be so stupid as not to have voted in such brilliant people. Those amazing lawmakers, who can legislate a carefree country, in which we can all be happily subjugated.

I don’t think so

My self-appointed position in this new organization is that of the Teddy Bear in the Nursery. You know the one. It has a camera in it. It’s the Nanny Cam for the Nanny State. My role is to look at what’s going on in the political world and then try to break it to you using humor. It softens the blow.

I join Fiar in my commitment to bringing you only the most untarnished, unbiased news in the finest tradition of the New Your Times, Mother Earth News, The Huffington Post, CNN, NBC, CBS, NPR, Air America, etc, etc and etc. It’s news you can believe in.

BTW: Recently images from this site have shown-up at both Huffington and Air America. As Fiar so succinctly put it, “Don’t those people know we’re the enemy?’

Les James has moved to Mondays to make room for JumpOut. His big ego and even bigger head needs the room, but you can always find Les at Humor and Satire at Sideshow Mirrors.

A continuing conservative politics series by Les James.

Wars: The Dirty Little Secrets

Act II: You Can’t Lose a War You Quit

Today I’ll attempt to paint a simple picture of America’s fascination with war, using a few of its myriad forms as examples. Of course, no image of this nature could be properly painted without first preparing the canvas with my own brand of primer.

Some years ago, I developed my 1st Law of Military Motion. Since that time I’ve opened up that franchise to include just about everybody. It goes like this: For every action, there is an opposite over-reaction. Unfortunately, it’s a Law we’ll probably never get repealed.

Having been brainwashed as a warrior –there may have been a little shrinkage- I have a better than average view of what a war is and what a war isn’t. With that in mind, let’s take a look at some of our recent “war” efforts and gage it against our government’s actions and reactions, shall we? This should be amusing.

The War on Drugs

What a Cluster! You can’t declare war on an object! Because that would mean that you’d have to kill drugs. Since it’s so hard to tap drugs once in the head and twice in the chest, we wisely decided instead, to send the DEA to Columbia, and other countries, to kill people associated with drugs. Good move, going after the supply, instead of the demand. I give it two thumbs up. You can decide where.

Drug cartels are very exclusive and difficult clubs to get in to, but having attended the Defense Language Institute with some of these DEA guys, I can tell you that besides being certifiable, they’re doggedly determined to make it past the velvet ropes and bouncers.

Despite the heroic and valiant efforts of our brave men and women in law enforcement, our seeming unwillingness to prosecute those who violate our laws, coupled with our porous borders, make this war an almost futile endeavor. It’s unwinnable, it’s costing too many lives and too much money. Thanks for all of your sacrifices guys, we support you, but maybe we should pull out now.

The War on Poverty

Here we go again. In this case we have to try to kill poverty. While we can see its effects, we just can’t seem to track it down. Maybe it’s hiding in a cave with Bin Laden?

Unlike the War on Drugs, for some reason we can’t send in Special Ops to kill people associated with poverty. So instead we send in social workers with bags of money to buy them off.

If you listen carefully, sometimes you can still hear the muted cries from certain concerned advocacy groups, but for the most part our leaders are silent on this subject. Why? Because they realized a long time ago that it was unwinnable, yet we still throw tons of devalued dollars at it each year.

This is a social cause and it soothes the bleeding heart. Besides it’s only the taxpayers’ money that’s being spent. There’s always more where that came from.

We’re not about to pull out on this one right now because it feels too good. Just wait though; sooner of later we’ll get tired of poverty too. Then we’ll discard yet another paramour on to the heap of stained blue dresses. That reference never gets old!

The War on Hand Guns

How would that even work? First off, our opposition doesn’t even like guns, so they wouldn’t use them. They’re frightened of guns. Reason: guns represent a fast paced, unswerving force that once unleashed can’t be bargained with. No amount of negation or even surrender will change the mind of a bullet, once it’s set on course. Remember, guns don’t kill people, bullets do.

Even that isn’t completely true. A bullet causes damage after it leaves the chamber of the gun, which was fired by a human possessing free will and desire. Once again, we’re going after the wrong thing. Still. First we have to start with handguns and then as hunting decreases, we expand the range to include all weapons.

So, how do we win this “war”? By the use of Activist Judges undermining the 2nd Amendment to ensure that only the government and criminals have firearms, that’s how. But I’m preaching to the choir. Wait a second, did I say government and criminals, shouldn’t that have been…

The War on Child Pornography

I’m disgusted by the very thought of this abomination. Anyone who would participate in this atrocious act should be publicly and slowly skinned alive, on nation-wide TV, while having salt poured over them. Anyone convicted of viewing child porn should be staked out on the floor of Death Valley, in the summer, and have their eyes eaten out by buzzards and ants.

Sorry to be so vague and tiptoeing around the subject but I think you can still get an idea of how strongly I feel about this topic. To make matters even worse, the ACLU fights for these vile monsters! I won’t describe what I think should happen to that bunch. It might be a little over the top.

How do we kill this horror? How do we stop it? Well, we use the same model that’s been so wildly successful in our other campaigns. This time we go after the Internet. Yeah, that’s the ticket. It’s all the Internet’s fault.

By the way, has anyone spoken to Al Gore about this? After all, he claims that it’s his baby, the one that he birthed, that we’re gunning for. Does anyone know who the father was?

The War on Terrorism

Finally a real war… sort of. Not that the War on Drugs isn’t real, unfortunately it’s more of a police action. But once again we’ve tried to acquire the wrong target. Just like racism and sexism, you can’t kill terrorism.

I’ve looked down the barrel of many a fine weapon but I’ve never been able to sight in on an “ism”. Sorry Mr. President, can’t do it. An “ism” is a belief. You can’t wipeout a belief. You can change the minds of those who support it or you kill ‘em. That’s the only two ways we can minimize one of these nasty little critters. Praise the Lord and pass the ammo.

What we can do though is get racists, sexists and terrorists in our crosshairs. Fortunately, we can only pull the trigger on the last one. I say fortunate, because you well know what the other side thinks of us.

Kill the terrorists and those who support them. And remember that just like in banking, there are severe penalties for early withdrawal. That’s the way to win this war.

Except that once again, it’s the same old same old. While the War on Terrorism is still far more popular than Congress (maybe we need to consider a withdrawal there too), it’s unwinnable, it’s costing too many lives and too much money. Thanks for your sacrifices guys. We support you. But yeah, that’s right, we gotta consider pulling out.

A parting thought for those of you that believe that all war is wrong. Shouldn’t you be picketing the intercity slums, gang bangers and the anti-guns lobbies too? Just a little something to mull over should you ever come down from what ever your on.

Humor-Blogs.com is on drugs.