Political Humor

Hey everyone, it’s me Stacey filling in again for Chris. I keep telling him I’m all like whateves when it comes to politics but he insisted.

So there’s like this economy thing and that Al Gore guy said it has a fever or something.

They even laid off two teachers at Cosmetology School this week. I hope they don’t lay off any of the students. I could be next!

OMG will I get my tuition back?

This is scary because in our History of Hair class yesterday the teacher showed us pictures of haircuts during the economy downturning in the 80′s. Everyone had mullets like in that Dirt guy movie, even children. It made me cry.

If I make it through the student layoffs I swear kids will get normal haircuts.

Wow did I just create an on-purpose for my life? Go me! Hold on I gotta text Megs….

Okay back!

So I called my uncle Tim after class to tell him the good news and he’s all like “don’t bother me now” and “I’m busy making money” and blah blah blah.

I picked up Megs and we headed to my uncle’s job to surprise him. He works at some treasure building downtown and when we got there he gave us a bunch of money and told us to go shopping instead.

Uncle Tim is the coolest uncle e…v…e…r!!!

I bought some new shoes and some clothes. Oh and I got the new IPhone. Megs got some jewelry and got some hot guy’s cell phone number. Soooo jealous and there’s green ink all over our hands.

Ewwwww!

Oh I totally forgot! The economy!

Yeah. It’s pretty retarded.

~Stacey

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Chris Cameron writes this weekly column every Thursday as well as Political Humor Quick Hits every Tuesday here at Radioactive Liberty.

The night was dark and damp. Tired of being oppressed by the witchcraft of capitalism, the mob gathered their torches and pitchforks and set out to make things right. They began by scouring the countryside in search of the witches and warlocks of capitalism.

As they approached the nearby airport, through the floodlights and fog, the mob could see a leer jet landing. The leader of the mob, a well dressed man with a funny name and big ears, turned to the mob and shouted, “We got one!”

As the jet landed the mob stormed the airport. The pilot, preoccupied with landing the plane did not see the approaching danger as he parked the jet, and helped his passenger exit to the tarmac.

As the dapper passenger was walking to the terminal of this small outlying airport, the mob rushed in and seized him and the pilot. The two travelers, were in shock. The passenger shouted, “Stop! Leave us alone! Why are you doing this?”

The leader said, “You are a rich and powerful Warlock that runs a large company. You have been oppressing us workers with your profit-making witchcraft! We have arrested you! You will now be tried and executed!”

The passenger said, “You can’t do this!”

The mob chanted “Yes we can! Yes we can! Yes we can!”

“I practice no witchcraft,” the passenger explained, “I run a large company because I worked my way to the top. I went to school, and earned a degree. I worked very hard for my company, and earned everything I have!”

“Nobody earns a jet! We don’t have jets! Only through witchcraft can you obtain the ability to fly! You have sold your soul the Devil!” Exclaimed the mob’s leader.

“He turned me into a newt!” Shouted a voice from the mob.

The leader, bewildered asked, “Alright, who let Joe join the mob? I told you tell him we were going bowling and we didn’t have enough room for him. Great, now he’s going to be saying stupid stuff all night.

“As I was saying, we’re going to execute you as a warlock, and dismantle your company. You will not be allowed to use your witchcraft to oppress the proletariat anymore!”

“Look,” exclaimed the passenger, “my company employees thousands of people just like you. Men and women who are able to provide for their families because they work for me and my company. If you kill me and dismantle my company, you will be putting them out of work!”

The mob began to get to quiet, and look around. What this man said was making sense.

The leader shouted, “Lies! All lies! You cast your profit-making magic on them, and turned them into slaves! Nobody deserves to be rich while there are poor people! You will burn at the stake for your wickedness!”

“A fart on this executive!” Exclaimed Joe. The leader just shook his head.

The passenger replied, “If you kill me, how will that improve your situation? I’ll be dead, but you will still be what you are. On top of that, the thousands of men and women that work for me will be out of a job. Is that what you want?”

“”But he has got a wart!” Shouted Joe.

“Joe, for the love of Pete, shut up!” The leader scolded.

The pilot, who had been watching quietly interjected, “People, I am a working man, just like you. I’ve been watching these proceedings quietly, but I must speak out. Don’t you see what your leader is doing to to you? He isn’t one of you! He claims to be. He tells you what you want to hear, but he is not unemployed, or poor. He makes his money of your misery. If he uses you to kill men like my boss, soon there will be no way for you to provide for yourself with an honest day’s work. You will have to turn to him. He is trying to control you!”

The leader, realizing his mob was starting to be swayed by the impassioned speech from the pilot, had to think of something quick before the mob turned on him. He shouted, “But this guy has a jet! How many of you have a jet? And this guy spent a gazillion dollars remodeling his office! He negotiated a severance package in his contract that will pay him eighty gazillion dollars if he gets fired! That’s not fair!”

“Who weeps for these weeps for corruption!” Shouted Joe.

The mob became enraged. Chants of “Burn Him Now! Burn Him Now!” flooded forth.

How does this story end? We’ll see.

JumpOut is willing to lead your witch hunt for a small fee. You can find him at his law enforcement humor blog You Should Be Tasered.

Did you know that children are the leading cause of our ballooning deficit?

According to Senator Nancy Pelosi they are. She is pressing Obama for millions of dollars in funding for family planning services, i.e. abortions as a way to stimulate the economy.

Don’t believe me? Here is what Pelosi said when asked by George Stephanopoulos about the subject (this is verbatim folks):

“Well the the family planning services reduce cost. It reduce cost. The states are in terrible ffff uh fiscal budget uh crisis now and and part of it what we do for uh children’s health for education and some of those elements that are to help the states meet their financial needs.

One of those one of them ahh initiatives you mentioned ah ah contraception is well reduced cost to the state and to the federal government.”

Pelosi might sound like an angry Porky Pig/caveman doing an interview but God damn it the bitch knows economics. Abortions are good for the financial health of America after all.

Abortions also make sense from a social standpoint as well. If only more people had that option for free birth control after-the-fact then life would be easier…and quieter.

To think of the times I have gone out to eat only to have the ambiance ruined by a screaming spawn of Satan; the child’s wails cutting through the air like piercing daggers of sound.

I still have nightmares of the lovely miscreant in the apartment above mine who enjoyed television at full volume at six am on a Saturday, just three hours after I went to bed.

Senator Pelosi you have my vote.

Chris Cameron writes this weekly political humor column every Thursday as well as his own weird humor blog Angry Seafood.