Political Humor

I’ve been noticing more and more political commercials lately where some empty headed celebrity endorses some sort of equally empty headed hint at how you, yes you can help stop global climate change. What is that change exactly? Is it warmer? Cooler? Warm in the summer and cold in the winter? Backwards in Australia?

Just what the fuck is climate change? Second. Why should I give a shit if I can save .000000003 kilowatt hours by switching off a reading light when I step out of the room for a few minutes? To he degree I even care, what I care about is my electric bill. Not saving the planet from climate change™. So, no. I won’t be using reusable toilet wipes.

I’m going to get real serious here for a second, so pardon me. Or don’t. I don’t really give a shit. When I’m dead. I’ll be DEAD. As such, I won’t care about ANYTHING anymore, because I will be incapable of caring, being that I’m dead, and all that. See there, that’s pretty much the definition of being dead.

So, the priority is quality of LIFE. In case you missed it, that would be the quality of MY life. Yes. I’ll be the evil conservative asshole here. Fuck the rest of you. I care about myself. ME. ME. ME.

The thing is, the rest of you denying that that is what your life is about. You’re either 100% full of shit. Or you’re deceiving even yourself. Even when it’s about other people, it’s really all about the self. Our ability to form relationships, as humans, is solely because there is a benefit for doing so. It’s still about the self, even when it doesn’t feel like it.

So, if it’s all about ME, and MY quality of life, then why shouldn’t I ask for a little better evidence that catastrophe is looming right around the corner than some sappy bullshit commercial with Noah Wylie telling me the polar bears are losing their habitat. I was buried under more snow yesterday than I can remember in my lifetime. Oh, but wait. The word of the day is climate change.

It’s not warming anymore. It’s Change. Perhaps part of all the Hope and Change promised by Obama. We get hope. Like, I hope I don’t lose the entire remaining balance in my 401k, because It’s already half of what it was 6 months ago. And change. We shuffle global warming under the rug, because it was all bullshit to begin with, and call it climate change.

Do people really just have no memory? It was not that long ago that the same vacant celebrities were telling us to shut off the power for an hour to fight global warming, but today, it is climate change we are fighting. What about the warming? Where did it go? Did we win the fight? Is it hiding in a corner? Did we kiss and make up? Is there some sort of treaty that was signed declaring a cease fire between humanity and global warming?

Come clean you disgusting bullshit artist swindling piece of shit pathetic excuse for human being rat shit con artist fuckers. There was never an ecological goal to begin with. The terminology changed for political expedience. Because there’s no warming. If there is no warming, and that was the hysteria. The issue is Dead.

Yes, Al Gore. The debate is over. Global warming is dead.

JumpOut offers some political editorial regarding the ascension to godhood inauguration to the Presidency of His Majesty and Most Blessed One, Barack Obama. There is plenty of strong language, so if that is a problem, I highly recommend the latest edition of Lolterizt at imao.us. Otherwise, read and enjoy.

Being the powerful and influential conservative humor and satire site that we are, I think we are required by law to talk about Barack Obama’s inauguration today. I am going to present you with some thought provoking observations and keen insight on Barack Obama, his inauguration and the direction in which this nation is headed.

Much was made of the exorbitant cost of Obama’s inauguration ceremonies. Yes, in this time of economic uncertainty, absolutely retarded bailouts, and all the terrorist killin’ going on out there, $150,000,000 seems a tad much. Yes, it’s true George W. Bush was lambasted for spending a third of that on his inauguration. See, this is the way I feel about it: I don’t give a f^^k.

So, yesterday was supposed to be an historic event. Obama is the first not completely white President. I’m sure race relations today are better than they were two days ago. Some people feel like Obama is such a transcendent figure that all the world’s ills will be cured today. Then there are others that feel he is just a politician. A politician like any other that will sell out his base for his own sake. He made a bloviating speech about the economy, the historic nature of his presidency, and his plans for the future. My position on it is this: I don’t give a f^^k.

Now, President Obama will start the difficult task of steering the country through these economic hardships. He’s about to start trying to hand out billions of dollars to CEOs, Bankers, unions, and some of his closest friends. He’s going to try to get as many people as possible employed by the government. You know what I say? I don’t give a f^^k.

We are now left with the country being led by the most Liberal President in history. The media is shivering from the tingling feelings running up their legs. All is right in the international community, and every other country should be respecting us more any minute now. The terrorists will all lay down their explosive vests and world peace will be breaking out soon, I’m sure, but you know what? I don’t give a f^^k.

If you don’t give a f^^k about this either, you may give a f^^k about JumpOut’s Law Enforcement Humor blog, You Should Be Tasered.

Clusterphobes Anonymous

Hi, my name’s Les and I’m Clusterphobic.

A chorus of voices rings out, “Hi Les, we’re Clusterphobes too!”

I’m what you use to call a con-ser-va-tive. But since that word no longer seems to hold the meaning it use to, I decided to come up with a different label.

Funny thing about this meeting, we don’t have a 12-step program. We don’t need one. None of us want to change. We like being Clusterphobes. Well, maybe like is the wrong word. We LOVE being Clusterphobes.

But just what does it mean to be Clusterphobic, you might be asking. The best way I know how to describe it, is by breaking down the term.

Definition of root words:
Cluster: a number of things of the same kind that are held together through a common bond, i.e. a bunch, group, gang or gaggle.

Phobia: pathological fear of something that is irrational or out of proportion. The problem here is, whose yardstick is it that is being used to measure the irrationality or the proportionality? I tell you what. It’s not mine.

So what this means is that Clusterphobia is a seemingly unwarranted dread of political parties, committees, government organizations, unions, boards or other similar groups, gangs, gaggles or… clusters.

Now you might think that it’s rather oxymoronic to have a group that fears groups. Kind of like a hermit colony. But I assure you, that’s not the case.

You see, we only fear -dread would be a better way to put it- certain groups, the groups that take the fun out of life. You know the ones. They vote for Dicktators!

Pissing Off the Left

Multiple studies have shown that us racist, bigoted, gay bashing, hate-filled, war mongers actually enjoy  happier, more satisfying social and sexual lives than our Socialist counterparts.

And this tends to piss the libs off. They start to toss about verbiage they heard on the nightly news or in the classroom.

Let’s look at one of the most commonly tossed about labels. We’re just paranoid, they will tell us. Apart from being one of the seminal albums of the 70′s, it holds a much more sinister connotation in the mouths of the Obamaites.

Paranoia: Fear of the supposed hostility from others. But remember, that doesn’t mean they really aren’t out to get you. Admittedly a bit cliché, but it gets the point across. Any right-winger who doesn’t believe that the left is out to get them just hasn’t had the pleasure of crossing their path.

They would take it a little further and say we’re angry, irrationally scared and probably prone to violence. That sounds much more like the traits of those who will be waiting in line for the Obama-Nation to hand out their jackboots, Billy clubs and brown shirts, when His civilian, internal peace keeping force is established.

In their opinion, a good bashing about or a little bit of government sponsored re-training, and those suffer from this condition, just might be turned into freethinking (translates: free from thinking), over tax paying citizens of the world.

Then we too can marvel and wonder at just how anyone ever managed to be so stupid as not to have voted in such brilliant people. Those amazing lawmakers, who can legislate a carefree country, in which we can all be happily subjugated.

I don’t think so

My self-appointed position in this new organization is that of the Teddy Bear in the Nursery. You know the one. It has a camera in it. It’s the Nanny Cam for the Nanny State. My role is to look at what’s going on in the political world and then try to break it to you using humor. It softens the blow.

I join Fiar in my commitment to bringing you only the most untarnished, unbiased news in the finest tradition of the New Your Times, Mother Earth News, The Huffington Post, CNN, NBC, CBS, NPR, Air America, etc, etc and etc. It’s news you can believe in.

BTW: Recently images from this site have shown-up at both Huffington and Air America. As Fiar so succinctly put it, “Don’t those people know we’re the enemy?’

Les James has moved to Mondays to make room for JumpOut. His big ego and even bigger head needs the room, but you can always find Les at Humor and Satire at Sideshow Mirrors.