Political Humor

The Big

I’ve been thinking about how easy it is to criticize large companies like Exxon because they make so much money.

After all, they’re a big, uncaring behemoth, chaired by a board of directors, made-up of uber-rich white males, who light their hand rolled Cuban cigars with miniature oil rigs and are chauffeured around by stereotypical black men in uniforms.  They drive them to their lavish mansions which are staffed by underpaid, economic refugees from Latin American countries.

At least that’s what I’ve heard. Besides, Exxon destroyed much of Alaska a few years ago. Didn’t they?

The real reason? There’s oil in them there whales!

I’ve climbed Denali twice and many other peaks in that once pristine state. As an eyewitness to the aftermath of that devastation, I can personally tell you, that there’s not a single polar bear, killer whale, salmon, seal, or furry, little (sniff) sea otter to be found on top of any of them

Gone. Wiped out. Maybe extinct, for all I know. Killed off by a careless, drunken, corporate tanker captain, who’d been in Exxon’s pocket and on their payroll for years.

Yeah, corporate America is an easy target. Taking potshots at them is like shooting at the broad side of Michael Moore with a scattergun. Oops, how dumb of me…he’s all broad side.

Can you imagine the bidding war on Ebay for a chance like that?

The Bad

But I don’t feel like taking the cheap shot or the easy way out. So, instead we’re going to explore a far more ominous, a far more devious, a way more sinister menace than Big Business.

Today we look at, (crescendo orchestration please) MA AND PA STORES!

It seems to me, that since small businesses constitute the majority of all businesses in the good old US of A and since they employ more people than big businesses, then they must play a vital role in our economy. That’s a reasonable assumption, don’t you think?

The government and the media focuses almost exclusively on the large corporations. They aren’t seeing the bigger picture. What this means is, there are a lot of people with a lot of money out there, that are staying off of the radars. If only a small percentage, kind of bend the tax rules, then there are bushels of cash not in the very capable hands of our beloved bureaucratic agencies. It’s not nice to fool Nanny Sam.

So, then it just naturally follows that the government needs to start paying a lot more attention to these underhanded citizen’s activities. Come on, they’ve got to. They’ve no idea what they’re really up to and are probably missing out on a pile of loot. But this is just the tip of the global warming (sorry, Climate Change) induced, shrinking iceberg. There is a much bigger problem.

And the Ugly

The issue is one of gouging. Big oil -since we started with Exxon, we might as well stay with them- as an example, gouges the consumer by taking about 28 cents of every four dollar plus gallon of gas. That’s right, every single gallon. While the local, State, and Federal governments, as an average, only receives a measly, a paltry, a pittance at 46 cents a gallon. California feels it’s entitled to a bit more, and rightfully so. Combined they get about 65 cents per gallon.

The independent gas station owners get about 6 cents a gallon, those awful bastards. Then they pay out franchise fees, payroll and various other expenses, and of course, taxes on that. Now, Exxon is going to sell off all of their 2200 stations, that they own, because they say that there’s not enough profit in them.

It’s taxes that keep American businesses strong

Exxon has no right to complain. Look at the billions they make in profits. So it’s perfectly reasonable to mandate them to pay taxes on all of it. Somewhere about $20 billion a quarter sounds about right, if you count in the federal excise tax they collect. This on top of the 46 to 65 cents a gallon we pay.

Where does the rest of the about three dollars plus a gallon go? It’s called overhead and avarice, demand and voracity, and maybe, hedge fund speculators (like the hedge fund that cute, little Clinton girl works for) and excess.  Oh, and healthy dose of greed all around. But that’s the simple answer and something I want to explore further at another time.

Import taxes, excise taxes, sales taxes, income taxes, etc, etc, and etc, end up tacking on a chunk to every thing we buy. It’s only fair. A large portion of that money goes to worthwhile social programs that benefit each and every one of us -unless you’re actually paying those taxes. And we all know that our world would be bleaker, crueler place without those feel-good programs.

Then there’s the oft proposed “Windfall Profits Tax”.  I would propose that one could argue that the oil companies did earn this money, it didn’t just fall into their laps unexpectedly.  It’s a “Windfall” only to Congress, because they certainly didn’t earn it.

Now the president, finally, has stood in the Rose Garden and all but demanded that Congress allow drilling off-shore and in ANWR.  He made it clear that we need to start producing fuel from the massive shale oil deposits we have and to increase refineries. 

John McCain seems to agree, but Obama thinks this is just another attempt to use the failed policies of the past.  Huh? What does that mean?

“Excuse me.”

Then there is…

“Excuse me!”

“Oh, sorry, yes. What do you want?”

“Off on yet another tangent again I see, Mr. James.”

I’m sorry, Fiar. It’s just that I’ve just got so much in my head trying to get out. I’m kind of afraid about it though. What’s going to happen when everything in there is gone, when my head’s empty? Am I going to suddenly find myself with a ponytail, carrying a hemp man purse?  Will I attend peace rallies with Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins and vote for someone like Dennis Kucinich? It’s scary.”

“Stop being such a pussy. You sound like you’re about to cry like a woman. Just look at the world around us. Read the Times, any of them, or just listen to the nightly news. There’s enough stupidity in the world to choke Godzilla. There’ll be so much crap flowing into your head every day. You couldn’t run out of material if you tried.”

“Yeah, you’re right, as always.”

“Of course I am.”

“OK, then. I’m fine now, thank you. So I’ll get back on topic and we’ll look at an example of the extent of the gouging problem.”

“If you value your life you will.”

It’s two-thirty in the morning, you’ve got the munchies, and the only thing open is a Quickie Mart. Just go ahead and get the bone saw out of your trunk. This after midnight craving is going to cost you. Cost you… you know… an arm and a leg, get it? The bone saw… cutting off…

It’s just not as funny when you’ve got to explain a joke.  

“I’m trying to say on subject. Really, I am.”

“There is no try. Only do.”

Anyway. Have you ever really stopped to think about just how much profit these Ma and Pa outlaws must be making on a six pack of soda, or one of those all but inedible, plastic wrapped sandwiches? And what about the candy bars you can buy in chain stores compared to the price in convenience stores? Not to mention what kids have to pay for cigarettes and beer in a place like that. Now that’s gouging.

Hang ‘em High

Don’t go trying to tell me about volume purchases or major stores’ private label pricing; my wallet doesn’t want to hear it. The government needs to get involved and do something about it now! It’s hurting the little guy. With the economy circling the toilet and prices on everything skyrocketing, they need to act fast.

It’s a problem of access to lower prices. The poor can’t get in to Costco. That’s the exclusive domain for those middle class and higher folks. Besides, how many cases could you possibly load up on a shopping cart, that’s already carrying all of you worldly possessions?

The poor are forced to shop in the unscrupulous Ma and Pa owned convenience stores, or Walmart.

But what if their town banned Walmart or no bus service runs near enough to one of that mega-chain’s stores, or if they live too far away? Now what?

I’m glad you asked. For I have a solution.

Support your local fair price merchant

The Solution

First: Force every small mini-mart to match pricing with Walmart. Smart, huh?

Second: If they fail to do this, tax them the equivalent of the difference between their price and Walmart’s. Then set up a program that gives back to these good hearted, underprivileged people. Help to alleviate some of the pain that has been inflicted upon them by these uncaring, evildoers. Let’s get some more Big Oil’s profits too and slather them on top of this tax. That’ll act as the soothing balm over this wound.

Then administer it as proficiently as any other sin tax. This will probably require another large, well funded, over reaching government agency, or two, or three, but that’s all right. Remember that it’s going to help the poor and needy. Besides, it’ll make you feel better.

But mostly, it’s for the children.

We here at Political Humor by Radioactive Liberty strive to bring you the best political analysis that our collective, and vastly superior minds can bring. As a result, the logical thing to do is to compress the opinions of all 3 of our contributors into one, single, superconcentrated dose of conservative opinion.

We will be bringing this feature on a weekly basis. All participants will get about 50 or 60 words each. Please use as directed, consult your physician if you suffer from heart conditions, or suffer abdominal pain. Normal side effects include dizziness, nausea, and rectal bleeding. This week we cover:

McCain’s New Epiphany on Global Warming/Climate Change

Chris: Is McCain still running as a Republican? I thought he might have joined some hippie third party after hearing that speech. Or Al Gore hooked him up with some cash. If he doesn’t win the general election he gets my vote for Most Pandering Politician of 2008.

Fiar: First, there is no need for a dirty hippie third party. They already have the Democrats. Second, McCain is a maverick. A man of principle, who is unafraid to oppose the conservative base. Even if it’s on every, single, solitary issue. I will welcome our fourth straight Democrat President in November. Whomever that may be.

Les: Maverick, huh. Which definition fits best?

• A Marvel Comic’s Super Hero? Definitely not.
• An unbranded or feral bovine? Maybe.
• A roller coaster ride? Possibly.
• A former Senator who coined the word “Gobbledygook”? Getting warmer.
• A current Senator who use to be pro-choice? Bingo!

I have faith in an old man who can so deftly leap from bandwagon to bandwagon.

Humor-blogs.com did not consult their doctor first.

This is part 4 of a 6 part political humor series by Les James, called Proclamations from the Mountaintop.



Original Image: Light Bulb by Jeff Kubina

BANNING THE BULB: HYPOCRISY IN MOTION

I picked up a hitchhiker in the mid-70’s in the Sierra Nevada Mountains of California. He seemed a nice enough fellow with his better than average pack, and boots.

I had just gotten off the trail myself and assumed – that’s right, assumed – this guy was only trying to get back to his own car.

Little did I suspect that what he was trying would be my patience. Had I known what was to come I would have prepared better. Ah, no good deed goes unpunished.

Pulling over to the side of the road he came a running.

Become part of the solution.

I was driving a small, late 60’s, four cylinder, British made Ford. Environmentally conscious before it’s time. So room was an issue.

We managed to fit his pack in the back seat and down the road we went.

Almost immediately he began a litany of assertions. A veritable diatribe of condemnation of my lifestyle.

I listened as he denounced my owning the very vehicle he flagged down, and was bumming a ride in. He ridiculed my educational choice of majors and my current job. The wheels on the car went round and round. As did the wheels in my head.

Then it was my turn.

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