Political Humor

But Wait, There’s More

The following is a cheesy infomercial designed to tempt you into getting something you don’t really want or need.

(Fade in)

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They’ve been around for some time, but you just haven’t really heard from them -mostly because they don’t try very hard. They’re the poor, redheaded stepchildren of the American political system. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Libertarian and Green Parties!

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And now back to our regularly scheduled program.

(Fade to black)

The Alternative Voter’s Guide

Being the honest, hard working folks you are, I’ve no doubt that you’ve subscribed. So I’ll go on ahead.

I recently spent a little time glancing over the platforms of both the Green and the Libertarian Parties. I figured I’d just take a peek so I could be a lot more informed than most voters about these two groups. Then I could pass it on to you. Here’s what I remember about them.

The Green Party’s platform reads like a wish list. It contained a lot of “shoulds”. You know, like we should do this and should do that. Very little substance in there and a lot of good intentions. Isn’t that what the road to hell is paved with?

The Libertarian Party’s platform reads like the preamble to the Constitution or the Declaration of Independence, or something. We the People in order to break with the cult of oppressive government, or some such crap. I got bored and started skipping around.

The Green Party thinks drugs are OK. So does the Libertarian. I like drugs, they keep my blood pressure regulated and when I have a headache, drugs take away the pain. I’m good with this.

Both seem to favor a women’s right to choose. This is a touchy point and I’m going to do the same thing as they did with this issue, I’ll skirt it. Or maybe I should pants suit it instead.

Greens think we need more government control to curb evil big business and wealthy people. Libertarians like wealthy, evil people and corporations.

Libertarians believe in free speech, free enterprise, free sexual expression, and guns for everyone!

Libertarians are anarchists.

Greens want government to put a stop to “isms”, like racism, sexism and ageism. I’ve said it before, “isms” are beliefs. Tough little buggers to kill. They also want to abolish fear. That’s what they said. I’m not making this up. They want to end homophobia, the fear of homos. Their words (sort of), not mine. It’s government indoctrination camps for all!

Greens are communist.

Both parties believe in peaceful co-existents with the rest of the world and a policy of non-aggression.

Both parties are pussys.

Meet The Candidates: Bob Barr (L) and Ralph Nader (G)

After exhausting myself by not doing any additional research, I will now attempt to choose a candidate the same way as most voters. I’ll do it on looks and the very little that I think that I know about each of them.

First Impressions

Ralph Nader is a white male, so I can clearly not choose him.

Bob Barr is also a white male, so I can clearly not choose him.

Both Barr and Nader knew they were white males and knew that I would know this. Thus playing the race card. So I can clearly not choose either of them.

Ralph Nader looks disheveled. Obviously, he won’t care how the White House lawns look either. But Nader is crafty. He would try to use his lack of grooming as a lever to wedge himself into a place in my mind that screams at me… bigot! But who else but a slob and hate monger would attempt such tactics?

Bob Barr has a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Barr must be a fascist. But Barr would know that I would know that Hitler had a mustache. He would count on it. He would also count on me thinking that no one would wear a mustache if they were a fascist. Ipso facto, he really must be one.

I astound myself with my dizzying intellectual reasoning capacity.

Name Recognition

Ralph Nader, I remember as the guy who didn’t like the Corvair. I liked the Corvair, especially, the turbo-charged model. I had a friend who had one and let me tell you…

Bob Barr, I’ve never hear of before, but his name sounds too much like a TV game show host. I don’t want a president who decides vital issue by using Let’s Make A Deal or The Price is Right as a policy model. That’s my final answer.

I Know a Little, so I Can Deduce …

Ralph Nader doesn’t drive. He never learned. So he relies on others to do things for him, that he finds abhorrent. Nader therefore, must secretly endorse torture chambers and animal abuse.

Bob Barr use to be a Republican. That’s like saying he use to be in the Costa Nostra.

Ralph Nader has run for president more times then he has fingers and he never even gets close to winning.

Bob Barr says he’s for a peaceful world, but his running mate has the initials W.A.R.

Both have My Space pages. Isn’t that were all the degenerates hang out, trolling for under aged “dates”. So I can clearly not choose either of them.

Here are My Conclusions

The biggest loser and communist, Ralph Nader is a racist, white male, sicko, hater, with bad personal hygiene, who likes to watch others drown puppies.

The Caucasian mobster, Bob (Don) Barr has commitment issues and is a racist, fascist, warmonger perv, who hides behind big words and a little moustache.

And they’re both pussys.

I almost fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is this: never vote for a third party when your countries life is on the line. I can clearly not choose from the candidates in front of me.

I think I’ll just choose the Iocane powder.

Dedicated to the loving memory of Rob Reiner, who isn’t dead yet. In fact, I hear he’s feeling better. 

For subscribers only 

If you haven’t subscribed, please do so before going any further. 

Oh, I see how it is.  I’ll bet you watch PBS without subscribing either.

Four Other Famous Ralphs

Ralphie, A Christmas Story

Ralph Kramden, The Honeymooners

Ralph Wiggum, The Simpsons

Japanese Ralph, George H.W. Bush

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I think we all agree that Barack Obama is running for President in the 2008 election. If you disagree with that, please discontinue reading, and pry yourself loose from the rock you are under. Yes, this means you Ron Paul supporters.

We should be unanimous in our view that Obama isn’t really Presidential material. What has he done that would lead a thinking human to say, “Hey, that guy should be President?”

Well, he voted “Present” a few times in his not even one term as a junior Senator. Perhaps he just didn’t understand the question. It can be difficult to hear when your head is stuck in a bucket. But at least he showed up for work… Sometimes.

Since Obama should never be in charge of anything, especially the most important country on our planet, I’ve decided to think up a few things that Obama is almost qualified to do. Maybe he will get lucky and someone will hire him, even though he is only almost qualified for the job.

• The guy who cleans up after the “Yo quiero Taco Bell” Chihuahua.
• Squeegee extortionist – That’s the guy that stands at the offramp and “cleans” your window with filthy water, then demands you pay for the window “cleaning.” Obama may actually qualify for this position. They are both hoping for change.
• The guy who finds the missing sock in all your mismatched pairs. I don’t know if there is any such job, but there ought to be.
• Racist preacher. Knowledge of the Bible not required.
• A circus clown that can’t get his head unstuck from the mop bucket. It wouldn’t be too much of a stretch, since Obama really can’t get his head unstuck from the mop bucket.

What else is Barack Obama only almost qualified to do?

Humor-Blogs.com has more jobs Obama is almost qualified to do.

I have to give credit to Frank J of IMAO for the mop bucket joke. Go check out IMAO. They put the extremist into right wing extremist.

• Harvey offers some Signs Someone is an Obama Supporter.

Are you enthusiastic about today’s Democrat Pennsylvania Primary vote?

Are you brimming with eagerness for hope and change? Does the political campaigns season invigorate and energize you? Maybe your excited that this year, your vote actually counts. Do you really believe, “Yes we can?”

The Pennsylvania Primary is so far behind the other primaries, that it usually doesn’t even matter, but this year is different. Right?

Unless you are a small town Pennsylvanian. If you cling to guns and religion, you will cast a bitter vote indeed. But don’t worry, we have just the thing for you. Before you head to the polls, slam down a few nice, ice cold Pennsylvania Bitter Beers. Now available in all 50 states.

Click to enlarge image.

Just make sure you don’t go out of the house with bitter beer face.
Pennsylvania Bitter Beer. For small town, xenophobic Americans like you.

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Thanks to Political Humor by Radioactive Liberty correspondent Les James for the photo.