Political Humor

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Without seeing a single result, we are so confident here at Radioactive Liberty, that we’re declaring a two dimensional, scripted character with no real experience as the next President of the United States.

Today the combined talent of Fiar, Chris C and Les James will be giving you a unique perspective of the race for the White House, along with the mad dash to overpopulate the Senate and House with Democrats. Between the three of them, they have a combined 120 years of criticizing the left. Also joining us will be Monty Oscar Nelson-Battison of The Super Liberal to give us his take on this earth shaking event.

10:14 AM- Les:  So here we go.  There are already voting machines breaking down, unrest in the long lines and several reports of Kool-Aid stains on ballots. Record turn out is expected from the young voter (6-12 years old) disenfranchised illegal alien and dead population segments. Check back often through out the day for updates. All times are given as Eastern Standard.

11:34 AM- Les: The AP is now reporting that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, an ardent Obama supporter, has launched 5 Soviet AN 124 heavy transport aircraft. They are reported to be filed with Iran Republican Guard Peace Keeping forces.

Ahmadinejad, in a phone call to Obama HQ early this morning, stated that whether Obama should win or lose there would be civil unrest in the US, and Iran was prepared to help Obama gain his rightful place as leader of the United States.

The AN 124 is designed to hold 88 personnel but it is suspected that as many as 500 have been crammed into each plane. Dozens of older military aircraft and an unknown number of civilian planes have been pressed into service. They are being fueled and prepared to depart Iran if needed.

12:20PM- Chris: Off I go to fight through the crowds of suckling youth and their Obama and McCain signs thrust in my face. If anyone hits me up for an exit poll I’m telling them I voted for Ron Paul.

12:30PM- Fiar: Good news for the Military. You lay your life on the line for your country and we repay you by telling your vote doesn’t count. What a country!

1:30 PM- Les: There are scattered reports coming in from Philadelphia, Pennsylvanian that armed Black Panthers have taken over polling places and are voting repeatedly for Obama.  If any reader has seen this blatant act first hand, please drop us a message in the comments section. You are our eyes and ears out there.

1:45PM- Chris: Umm nobody asked me for any ID when I voted. Greaaattt

3:15PM- Fiar: Coatesville, PA. Reports are coming in of a deranged armed gunman terrorizing the Polling Place at Friendship Elementary School. The Gunman is described as blonde hair, blue sunglasses, no shirt, and wielding a large caliber handgun. Witnesses have reported that the assailant is running up and down the corridors yelling, “No matter who we choose, we lose!” Developing…

4:02PM- Chris: Glad I am not voting in Philadelphia. I think I would have to vote for Obama or else.

5:16 PM- Les: In the next few minutes we will have winner!  The first early exit polls will be released and the MSMs will declare Obama the clear victor.  We are all well aware that the reporters are always right. Just ask ‘em. So there is now no reason to rush out and vote if your polling places are still open.  Stand by for those results.

5:30PM- Chris: I saw how the exit polls say 67% of voters think Biden is fit to be President. Of course he is, that is why he won all those Democratic Primaries in the last like four elections.

6:52 PM- Les: “Voters in the Ohio valley area can expect early results of today’s election”, said an election official who asked to remain unnamed.  This official went on to say that, “the electronic voting machines are very quick, we can expect to see Obama taking a clear majority in the Ohio Valley area much sooner than  the outlying precincts will be able to report the same thing.”

7:05 PM- Les: Coatesville, PA. That deranged gunman has been talked out of the polling place at Friendship Elementary School by local police.  No shots were fired and there doesn’t appear to be any damage to the school. The man initially reported as not wearing a shirt was in fact not wearing pants either. One bystander said, “the only person who should be embarrassed is the naked guy.”  He was taken to the Brandywine Psychiatric facility and  dry cleaners, still chanting, “No matter who we choose, we loose.”

7:22PM- Fiar: I must have just missed the whole thing at Friendship Elementary. That’s my polling place. No one asked me for ID either. I think I voted either for Bob Barr or Chick-Fil_A. But I’m not sure, because I think the voting machine told me that I registered 622 votes for Obama.

7:30PM- Fiar: Early election results 2008 show McCain with a 52% to 47% lead over Obama. This is compelling evidence of vote fraud from the Republicans.

7:41 PM- Chris: I think it’s going to be a long night for the moonbats. I wish I could see them sweating it out. Would be the best reality show ever.

7:59PM- Fiar: McCain now disenfranchising voters everywhere with Kentucky and it’s 8 electoral votes and South Carolina and it’s 8 electoral votes expected to go to McCain, Obama projected to win Vermont and it’s 3 electoral votes.

8:00PM- Fiar: McCain finally stopped stealing the election. Obama is now projected to win ME-4 VT-3 MA-12 CT-7 NJ-15 DE-3 MD-10 DC-3 IL-21 and McCain is taking KY-8 SC-8 TN-11 OK-7 for a total of Obama 77 McCain 34. Dewey Wins!

8:27 PM- Chris: I love the irony of the fact that the 57% of people voting for Barack in NH are from Mass. They moved up here to get away from…wait for it…higher taxes!

8:51PM- Les:  This just in, the Four Horsepersons of the Obamalypse have just been spotted in up-state New Hampshire.  Coming out of the Blue, they seem to be heading south at this time. There still is hope, as they cannot cross Red territory, so we could see their crosscountry ride cut short in the Mid West.

8:56 PM- Super Liberal: The prophecy IS coming true! This is a glorious day…

9:01 PM- Chris: The Four Horsepersons just rode past my house! Hey, who let Monty out of his section?

9:25PM- Fiar: Obama now projected to also win NH-4 PA-21 MI-17 WI-10 MN-10 and McCain unjustly is projected to win WV-5 GA-15 AL-9 ND-3 WY-3 for a tally of 174-69. The rethuglicans will not steal this election.

9:38 PM- Super Liberal: I let myself out. Finally an honest election.

9:41 PM- Super Liberal: Now that I am out I can see the WHOLE post. You guys support Ron Paul? He’s a wingnut.

9:46 PM- Les: Well, there goes the neighborhood. With Ohio gone over to the Dark Side, the Horsepersons have momentum on their side.

9:52 PM- Chris: This just in: The deranged gunman, believed to be a drunken John Daly is now believed to be a drunken Dennis Kucinich.

9:57PM- Flowers Bloom: I’m Soooooo Proud of my country for the first time in my life! Based on the current projections, Obama only needs to take the 3 west coast states and it’s a victory, and I will never have to look at Sarah Palin’s face again! Lol. I’m so diverse and tolerant.

10:00PM- Flowers Bloom: Chris, I voted for Kucinich. He’s against guns.

10:13 PM- Super Liberal: First??!! What about when Carter was elected? Or when Mondale chose Ferraro? Anytime we can beat the wing nuts and can further liberalism is a day all of us should be proud to be Americans.

10:18 PM- Les: Fiar! Where’s that nickle plated 44 mag in the picture of you!

10:35 PM- Chris: Umm was it a good idea to let both these moonbats into the discussion? This is looking like we’re going down a bad road here.

10:40PM- Fiar: The 44. Yeah um. Not that I had anything to do with the deranged gunman at the poll, but uh… Let me get back to you on that. Chris, we’re on a bad road 2 Moonbats sneaking in or not.

10:45PM- Flowers Bloom: Oh joyous day for political humor! Al Franken is prjected to win! Yay!

11:01Pm- Chris: So they already have Obama projected to win and the crowds are going wild in Chicago. I second your thoughts Fiar, this won’t be a fun road.

11:03 PM- Les: I think the Talking Heads sang it best ‘Watch out, you might get what you’re after.’ I’ll follow that with: You got what you wanted, but you might not want what you got.

11:05PM- Flowers Bloom: I’m so overjoyed I am crying. We did it! We won! America will finally cease to be a terrible blight upon the world. OBAMA HAS WON! YES WE HAVE!

11:13PM- Super Liberal: The United States is back on track!

11:33PM- Fiar: Now I get to live my dream of having a “Uck Fobama” bumper sticker on my car. Does it get any better than this? Let’s all act like the moonbats for the last 8 years, but in reverse. We’ll piss and moan about moving to Canada, We’ll be filled with hate and rage despite living in luxury relative to the rest of the world.

11:47PM- Chris: I’ve already got my “Don’t Blame Me I Voted for McCain” T-shirts ready to wear for at least the next four years.

11:52PM- Flowers Bloom: Obama Elected President! Tonight we celebrate. Tomorrow we indict!

11:57PM- Chris: So now White Guilt has been appeased. Good job on that America.

12:15 PM- Les: I’m in satire heaven! I can hardly wait to pack the old 12 gauge with rock salt and give O’biden a double barreled blast of political humor. Four years of whining ahead of us.  “Oh those Republicans screwed this up so bad we can’t fix it.” While the MSMs lick the soles of the Chosen One’s sh*t covered feet and say it taste like chocolate. Look out you sad sacks of crap, I’m gunning for you.

12:34 AM- Chris: I don’t know if I would call it ‘heaven’ but an Obama Presidency at least has a lot more cannon fodder then a McCain one. Not much of a consolation prize.

12:53 AM- Chris: Well I guess Fiar and Les have gone to bed and Flowers and Super Liberal can’t find a place open with free wi-fi this late at night so it looks like this is it for Radioactive Liberty’s exclusive 2008 Election coverage. Good night everyone and we will see you tomorrow in a new era of even more socialism then the $700 billion bailout bill hoped to achieve.

You voted and you get what you voted for. Are you ready for all it entails?

Sleep tight America.

Miss Rupert’s second grade class from Hawaii have graciously agreed to help us. For a class project they will be filling in each state with either a red or blue crayon as results become available. They’ll stick around until it gets too late and they get sent off to bed. It is a school night after all.

10:16 AM- Les:  Miss Rupert’s students won’t be in class until about 11AM EST.  We don’t expect to hear anything from them before we have a clear winner in any of the states.

1:26 PM- Les:  We have just received an urgent text message from Miss Rupert.  Apparently several parents wearing Che T-shirts and Obama buttons have entered the classroom, and  taken control of the blue crayon and thrown out the red one.  These crayons were to be used to color-in the states. We’ll keep you informed as this dramatic story unfolds.

2:25PM- Chris: I have unconfirmed reports that order has been restored but now a faction of the same group is suing the local police for not responding in time to the crisis. It seems this splinter organization of the Weather Underground are experts in the tactic they like to call ‘Catch-22′. These are not confirmed so details may change as we get more information.

5:19 PM- Les:  It’s now confirmed. The red crayon has been recovered. The coloring exercise will commence as soon as results are in.

6:38 PM- Les: Miss Rupert wants to apologize for the drawing on the map.  The kids are getting restless.

7:13 PM- Chris: Sorry that was me that drew on the map. [hands back crayons to the kids]

7:48 PM- Les: Damn it Chris, start taking this serious.

8:11PM- Les: We’d like to thank the kids at Kayhill and their teacher Miss Rupert. She has called and said that it’s time for them to go home now.

Unlike so many others, we’ve not given up on Ron Paul. We’ll be keep you up to date on his electrifying bid for the White House.

10:18 AM- Les: No sighting so far of Ron Paul. If anyone has any information on his whereabouts, please let us know.

12:54 PM- Les: David Weigel at Reason.com report this tantalizing tidbit earlier today:

Democrat Obama defeated Republican John McCain by a count of 15 to 6 in Dixville Notch, where a loud whoop accompanied the announcement in Tuesday’s first minutes. The town of Hart’s Location reported 17 votes for Obama, 10 for McCain and two for write-in Ron Paul.

1:45PM- Chris: My operative live at the Ron Paul Headquarters tell me they do not yet have confirmation of a vote for him.

2:43PM- Les: There is some indication out there that Montana could now be the pivotal state in this election. Ron Paul is running there as a Constitution Party candidate. It’s expected that he could garner as much as 5% of the vote.  This could easily be the difference for either Obama or McCain gaining or losing those 3 electoral votes.

3:35PM- Chris: Pollsters have confirmed a blind woman in Nebraska voted for Ron Paul. Neither the voter nor the candidate were available to comment.

6:10PM- Chris: We have word that Ron Paul has in fact received one vote, his own. Here we go folks, Paulism is making a comeback.

8:34 PM- Chris: I just got a report that says Ron Paul has picked up an additional vote from his mom. My sources are trying to confirm if she is still alive.

9:21 PM- Chris: Come on Ron Paul!

10:25 PM- Les: I’ve been looking all over the web and can’t find any updates on Ron Paul.  This is just plan criminal.

10:20AM- Les: I suspect Monty is still sleeping.  Mommy hasn’t woke him up yet to give him his breakfast.

2:15PM- Super Liberal: [Yawn] Hey I heard that! For your information the wi-fi at the McDonald’s I am forced to blog from now that Starbucks is closed is spotty at best. Has Obama won yet?

3:04PM- Super Liberal: The craziest thing happened. I was registered twice! They told me it was okay though so I voted for Obama both times. Barack is gonna win, barack is gonna win…oh crap my wi-fi is going ou….

5:28PM- Super Liberal: I’m predicting a 60-40% win for Obama. Free health care everyone!

6:44PM- Super Liberal: The first thing I am going to do to celebrate Obama’s victory is to trade my food stamps for a bottle of Captain Morgan and get stinking drunk for free.

7:18 PM- Super Liberal: OMG! Obama is losing! Must-remain-calm. What?…What do you mean I have to buy more food to use the wi-fi? God Damn it I have to go find free wifi somewhere else. What a crucial moment…

7:54 PM- Super Liberal: The glitch in the Matrix is gone and Obama leads again. Happy days are hear again. Do you three smell what Barack is cooking?

8:42PM- Super Liberal: Who’s Dewey?

10:04PM- Flowers Bloom: I don’t know who Dewey is but I do know that we finally did it Monty! Utopia has finally arrived! I have been very successful financially over the last 8 years, but yet they have been the most miserable of my life. To see the America I love disintegrate before me, to see the value of liberty and concern for our fellow men and women diminish to the lowest depths has hollowed my heart. But with night comes the dawn of a new light and tomorrow hope will be reborn and humanity can rise out of the ashes of division once again. Yes we can!

Super Liberal: Flowers how can you be financially successful and not be one of our elite Democratic leaders? This is impossible. Only the chosen get that privilege. The rest of us are destined to be the ones that must fight the right-wing conspiracy while our leaders give us health care, food, and everything we need to stop the evil Republicans. What you are saying is blasphemy if you are not one of our leaders. We are not supposed to gain wealth and the ability to be self-sufficient on our own unless we are one of the chosen.

McCain doesn’t know what he could have done to win the election. I know what he could have done. Been a F’king conservative.

The Tygrrr Express is featuring an election roundup.

Also Election day news at Wake up America.

In 2004, the cost of the US Presidential election was just under $700 million.

This time it is expected to get even closer to a billion dollars with many predictions around the $800 million mark. Since all that money spent still leads to incompetent leadership, maybe we should think about what we can use the funds on to better mankind.

~ 47,086,521 months of a Netflix subscription.

Imagine all the people that could see ‘Legally Blond’ or ‘Daredevil’ with that. I am sure many villages in Africa have never seen classic films like ‘Curly Sue’ which is a shame because they are busy fighting off both AIDS and Muslim extremists every day.

They need a way to take a break from reality and watch a movie. Maybe if everyone in Darfur watched ‘Gigli’ there would have never been genocide.

Who knows, it might have made things worse.

~210,456,034 cigarettes.

With the amazing strides in medicine over the last fifty years people are living longer. But the last thing this planet needs is a population approaching ten billion and everyone living to like eighty. You think ticket prices for concerts are outrageous now?

Try adding more old people to the mix who want to see a Rolling Stones reunion in 2010. And don’t even get me started on the traffic.

We could use cigarettes to reduce the population by spreading more lung cancer around the globe.

~34,782,609 carbon credits.

At $23 a ton this is one hell of an investment. And if we push to get China to play ball on the next Kyoto we can sell them the credits for a hefty profit. Then we can buy more cigarettes.

~ 5,000,000 clowns.

Kids hate them and studies have shown childhood stigmas and fears often carry over into adulthood. Now what if you fought the war on terror with an army of them?

How would you spend $800 million for the betterment of mankind?

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Chris Cameron is a writer of odd things and in addition to his weekly guest post here every Thursday except when there is a full moon and it is in Scorpio, he writes for his own blog, Humor by Angry Seafood.

Humor-blogs.com does not have any ideas on what to do with $800 million. But go there anyways. Do it for Johnny.

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