Political Humor

Part Two of an Unbelievably Quotable, Genus of a Paper

In Part One of my Wow! I can’t believe no one thought of this sooner solution to every problem …ever, we saw that Free Radicals, caused by the metabolization of oxygen, are the true cause of the Earth’s issues. This time we look at the solutions.

Simple steps can be immediately taken to reduce the effects of Free Radicals upon, not only our economy, but also the health of the entire world. Let’s look at some of the major contributors of oxygen, and find solutions.

I call for massive deforestation of the Amazon. This will go a long way to helping reduce the land-based production of oxygen and open up a lot of space for farming. Next, clear cut all old growth forest. We all know the elderly are useless anyway, and should be removed for the betterment of society.

Now we turn to the ocean. Pollution seems the most effective way to curb plankton growth. So, to save the planet, we must dump our waste into the sea.

Automobiles are terrible for the air we breathe. We ‘re going to have to outlaw catalytic converters. They put water vapor into the atmosphere, a leading cause of Global Warming. There are many other methods we can employ to bring down the oxygen in our atmosphere, but these will constitute a good beginning.

Admittedly, a first it may be difficult for some to cope with a lower O2 content in the air. I believe that my many mountaineering experiences from 16,500 to 22,500 feet, proves that the decreased pressure –much the same as decreased oxygen levels – which reduce reasoning ability, will not be noticed, since mostly, we will all suffer the same debilitating effects.

Everyone’s dumb at altitude. Except for idiots. They aren’t affected. This is how we level the economic playing field. America is great because of our ability to reason and problem solve. With those gifts eliminated, the rest of the world will be on an equal footing with us.

Just think of it. We can reduce Global Warming, increase the health of all oxygen breathing life forms, slow down decay by rust, and best of all, Save the Planet from Free Radicals. Finally, we have Science We Can Believe In.

If you can’t see the Truth in this, it’s because you simply don’t have the smarts to understand. This tells me you aren’t a true American, and are probably just a Stupid Mouth Breathing Foreigner, and therefore, an idiot.

Or, you might be running our country, and therefore…

The way science is suppose to work, is that some totally brainy individual comes up with a notion. Those of us in the know, call this a Hy-poth-e-sis. Then these Bill Nye wannabes try to disprove it. If, after a bunch of test and stuff, this Hypothesis thingy still seems sound, it gets sent out for a lot of other Eggheads to try to prove it false. This is called Peer Review. I’m submitting this scholarly work to my peers for review. That would be you. Please do your level best to show me why this awesome idea is not the answer to all of our problems. Thank you.

Les James                                                                                                                                          Doctor of Photography and Satirelogy

Part One of a Golly Gee Wiz, Super Smart, and Scientifically Cool, Fact-Filled Paper

Global Warming is happening. Duh! It’s been happening since the end of the last Ice Age. Apparently this is bad. Man didn’t cause it, but we can stop it.

Now that we have proof that the “fact” of anthropogenic Global Warming, caused by increased CO2, has been nothing but deception, perpetrated by “climate experts” using junk science and worse politics, let’s finally get serious about saving the earth from the real culprit –Oxygen.

O2 is responsible for almost all of the planet’s ills. Big Food and Big Supplements are constantly telling us that they have  products that contain Anti-oxidants. Anti means against, so these mega-corps are against oxidants. These products of theirs are supposed to help you live longer and better. If you do that, you’ll be around to buy more of their enriched cereals and multi-vitamins. Shameless bastards.

Big Insurance hasn’t found a way to make a profit off of this …yet. Rest assured when they do, you feel forced to buy oxidant insurance. Or maybe, they’ll start writing in an oxidantal death clause into their policies.

Anyway, Big Food and Supplements are on to something, but haven’t taken it far enough.

My Way Bright and Gnarly Hypothesis

If we would just cut down on oxygen, we could stave off the real cause of global warming, protect countless animal species, end starvation, eliminate the disparity between the rich and poor nations of the earth, increase live expectancy, decrease health care cost, and usher in an era of total equality. And we could do it cheaply.

The Process of Death

When oxygen is metabolized in air breathers, it causes mitochondrial degeneration of lipids, proteins, and DNA, by releasing Free Radicals. In other words, O2 causes cellular aging and diseases, and in the end, Kills. This is a very simplified explanation, but it illustrates the need to put a Cap on the electron transfers of this destructive process, and thereby stop the Trade of these Free Radicals, who seek our destruction.

Sulfur dioxide, carbon dioxide, nitrous oxide and water vapor (H2O) are the most damaging of the Greenhouse Gasses, but could not exist without oxygen. I’m not suggestion we eliminate oxygen altogether. Instead, I believe that by reducing the amount, by as little as 20%, we could significantly decrease these gasses, and provide Mother Earth the break that only humans can give. Instead of the roughly 21% O2 currently enjoys, let’s knock it down to about 17%.

Another benefit will be to industry. Rust, which never sleeps, is another unhealthy byproduct of oxygenation. It’s responsible for untold millions of dollars of infrastructure damage each year.

In other words, the very air we breathe is ruining our machines and killing us.

Next time, we’ll look at solutions.