Political Humor

Fox: Welcome to Are You Smarter Than A Democrat? I’m your host Fox Worthy. Tonight we have Mrs. Gretta Jones from Phoenix, Arizona. Gretta is a housewife and mother of three, who was never interested in politics until this past year. She credits her next door neighbor with turning her on to Glenn Beck. Gretta is now a registered Independent and attends Tea Parties.

She’ll be playing against this week’s Unknown Democrat Senator. As usual -to conceal their identity- the Senator will have his or hers voice run through a filter and will wear an empty money bag over the head. The symbolism of which is always lost on them. So let’s get started and find out… Gretta, Are You Smarter Than A Democrat? The Senator won the coin toss, so…

Senator: I’ll take 5^th Grade Math for $100, Alex. And let’s make it a true Daily Double.

Fox: Ah, Senator, you do realize this isn’t Jeopardy, right?

Senator: Why yes I do, and that’s my final answer.

Fox: Okay then… 5^th Grade Math it is. Senator, how many zeros are there in One Trillion?

Senator: I never learned that in 5^th Grade, it’s a trick question.

Fox: It’s not a trick. As difficult as it is to believe, there is such a number as One Trillion.

Senator: I’m telling you, there’s no such thing as a Trillion. It’s just made up. That’s why we always keep our estimates of the cost of any program just below that imaginary figure.

Fox: Is that your answer?

Senator: No. No, ah… my answer is…is… it doesn’t matter, zeros are just place holders. So…er…mmm… they don’t actually represent real money.

Fox: Oh, so sorry Senator. Gretta what’s your answer?

Gretta: Too frikkin’ many!

Fox: Yup, you’re right, too frikkin’ many. Senator, your next question is about illegal immigration. How many illegal immigrants are there in the United States?

Senator: African or European? Except the Africans. And certainly you’re not asking about those hard working Latinos, who are doing the jobs Americans won’t do? That would make you a racist.

Fox: I see where this is heading, and Homey don’t play dat. Gretta?

Gretta: Too frikking many!

Fox: Correct again. Gretta, it’s pretty obvious you’re smarter than the Senator, so let’s just pass ‘em over and give you a crack at the next…

Senator: What? Are you trying to vote me off the island? I won’t stand for it. Circle gets the Square. I wanna to use a Street Shout-out. What is, the migratory patterns of farm animals. I didn’t want to turn into a Family Feud. Sometimes things just happen. I thought she was over 18. It was consensual, I tell you…

Fox: Wow. Looks like the Senator has Spun the Wheel, and like the country, has come up bankrupt. Gretta are you ready to risk it all and go for the win?

Gretta: Darn straight. Let’s do this.

Fox: I love your attitude. Okay, it’s a two part question. First, tell me how many Democrats and RINOs are holding public offices, and second, what if anything, are you going to do about ‘em?

Gretta: Too frikkin’ many, and vote those SOBs right out!

Fox: Ah… I’m so sorry but you’re… RIGHT! Congratulations. Now there’s just one thing left to do. Look right in the camera. Now Gretta, what do you want to say to America?

Gretta: My name is Gretta Jones. I may just be a housewife and mother of three from the suburbs, but I Am Smarter Than A Democrat!

Fox: From all of us here, goodnight everybody, and may all your tea be sweet.

Credits

Fox Worthy – Himself

Gretta Jones – Herself

Unknown Dem Sen – Arlen (act like a lady) Specter

This has been a Filmways Presentation, Dahling

Announcer: “Live from one of Obama’s 58 states, are you ready to play…”

Crowd: “Guess…The…Illegal!”

(Mad applause ensues)

Announcer: “And here he is, your host, Chris Cameron!”

(Even more applause)

Good evening everyone and welcome to Guess The Illegal, the hot new political humor game show where contestants vie for cash and prizes guessing the immigration status of random people.

Today’s contestants are fellow political humor writers here at Radioactive Liberty, Les and Fiar. Tell us a little bit about yourself guys.

Fiar: I can’t decide who I like least, illegal aliens or hippies.

Les: Babies Fiar.

Fiar: Them too.

Interesting. So let’s get this started. The game is simple. Each round you will be shown a picture of a person who’s legal status appears questionable. Contestants will try and guess whether the image is of a legal or illegal alien.

Ready guys? Round One:

Fiar, what do you think, legal or illegal?

Fiar: Charlie Sheen! That’s quite the mugshot. Will he ever grow up and stay out of trouble with the authorities? His Grampa may have immigrated from Spain. But he’s a second generation American citizen. Not illegal.

Fiar says legal. Les?

Les: Way too obvious. He has either Colombian drug kingpin or Middle Eastern bomb maker (they all look the same to me) written all over him. I’d say he’s really a second generation New York falafel cart owner, or a legal resident, southwest sales supervisor for Microsoft. I think I’ve got this guy nailed.

Les says both and gets a whammy.

The answer is illegal. He’s Jose Luis Rubi-Nava who is believed to be an illegal alien and also suspected of murder. Since Les got a whammy and Fiar said legal, no points this round.

On to Round Two:

Les, what do you think, legal or illegal?

Les: Where did you find this one? I thought all those pictures were destroyed. Some of you might be tricked into believing this is Charo and maybe our illegal. In fact it’s the now infamous shot taken at a 2004 Halloween party. Get ready for this. That’s Diesel from The Mattress Police, in drag. I think he’s legal, at least his residency.

Les says legal. Fiar?

Fiar: Gold digger! Clearly this is a Russian mail order bride. By the looks of it, one of the lower quality ones. I bet those bangs are hiding some serious wrinkles. A little Botox goes a long way, Honey. Legal by a technicality.

Fiar says legal. Circle gets a square.

She is legal. Charo may be past her prime but she is a US citizen, having achieved that status in the 70′s. Both of you get a point and we are tied after two rounds 1-1.

Before we get to the final round we need to take a short break for some commercial messages. See you in two and two.

Fade out….fade in….

A man and a woman are discussing something and he is looking at her breasts. She slaps him.

Narrator: Women, do you have trouble with men making eye contact with you?

A man and a woman are talking at a nightclub and he is looking at her breasts. She slaps him.

Narrator: Men, do you respect women but can’t help letting your eyes wander to their cleavage?

A man and his mom are talking at a BBQ and he looks down at her chest. She slaps him

Narrator: Is this behavior causing embarrassment and a sense of uncomfortableness? Then you need the new Boob Away watch!

Narrator: Developed from German technology in WWII, Boob Away works with your pupils and when it senses you are traveling into a visual danger zone of uncomfortableness, it’s sends a 15 volt shock into your wrist telling you your not maintaining eye contact. The negative stimuli will stop the behavior immediately.

A man and a woman are talking on a park bench. Eye contact is achieved and maintained. Both turn to the camera and give a thumbs-up sign.

Narrator: Order your Boob Away today!

Warning: May cause death by electric shock. Do not use Boob Away when engaged in a conversation with a large-breasted woman as such side effects can occur.

Welcome back to Guess The Illegal. There is one round left to determine the winner of a great vacation package grand prize. Who will win?

Here we go…

Legal or illegal, what do you say Fiar?

Fiar: Isn’t that the guy that works the night shift at the Quickie Mart? He came here as an exchange student and overstayed his visa. Go back to your country of ambiguous origin you leech! Illegal.

Fiar goes with illegal. Your pick Les?

Les: This is a cropped mug shot from when Mexican national, now U.S. citizen in waiting, Carlos Delgado-Mendes was taken into custody along the Texas-Mexico border for smuggling parakeets in his shorts. Why is he smiling? The police photographer had been hitting a helium filled balloon.

Les says legal. Judges? Oh I’m sorry he is illegal, Jose A. Morales who is suspected of lying about his legal status to become a cop.

And that means Fiar wins! Don tell him what he has won.

Don Pardo: Fiar you have won a three-day two-night vacation for you and a guest to beautiful Lawrence, Massachusetts. Once a former thriving Northeast mill town, it is now a bustling city with one of the highest concentrations of Hispanics in America. You’ll stay at the luxurious ‘Motel No-Tell’ and take in the local Mexican cuisine and culture.

That sound like a lot of fun Don. Boy, I bet you’ll be able to play the home version of our game on that great vacation. Thanks to both our contestants for a well-played game. This is Chris Cameron saying good night and make sure you keep guessing the illegals!

Chris Cameron writes this political humor column every Thursday. He also has his own odd works of humor at Angry Seafood.

Want funny blogs by legal US residents? Make sure you visit Humor-Blogs.com.