Political Humor

Welcome to day two of the Radioactive Liberty Climate Conference. If you missed the Opening day post click here to read it.

Today’s presentation is by Les James entitled “Did Bush Cause Global Warming“.

Did W cause AGW? And what the hell do pyramids and bikinis have to do with it?

Les, in this picture you’ve brought to our conference, it shows proof of climate change. What’s your theory on this?

Les- Bush lied, the glaciers died. It’s obvious. I saw him on TV pushing his new book. I’m now convinced if he had only signed the Kyoto Accords, I’d have nice fluffy snow this year. We have to do something drastic. I’ve heard several great ideas coming out of the conference already.

Fiar- Les, Shut the Hell up about the damn fluffy, flaky snow already. I told you — build a pyramid. Back on topic– Who’s going to go to Cancun on spring break wearing nothing but a skimpy bikini in the pre-Bush Cancun pictured above. Who goes on spring break to Barrow, Alaska? No one, that’s who. We just need more pyramids. I have plans to bulldoze my house and replace it with a pyramid. I will live in a secret tunnel underground.

Chris- It’s the bikinis. They cause pyramids to form. In every study peer-reviewed by fellow cronies bikinis came first, then pyramids.

The vertical black lines are where bikini rates rose. Red are where pyramids increased. This graph proves everything.

I would also like to point out that in the Middle East there are no more pyramids forming. Why? Most countries in the region do not allow women to wear bikinis. Therefore, until this trend is reversed we will see no new pyramids in the Middle East.

Les- I use to live in Alaska. We had fluffy snow there… and women in Carhartts and Bunny Boots…ooooh.

Despite his totally negative approach -read, being a prick- Fiar has a point. I’ve never seen a pyramid in the Great White North. Oh, and another thing I’ve never seen is, an above ground tunnel. You Chris, have a point too. Just thinking about those tight Carhartts forms a pyram… Ah, never mind.

This concludes our presentation. Feel free to leave your comments on this topic below.

You might be a liberal. Find out now!

Ever wondered if you have what it takes to be a sensitive, environmental friendly, compassionate, tolerant person, worthy of the love of Obama? Well, it’s your lucky day!

There are a mere six simple steps to this test. That’s only half of a Twelve Step Program, and a whole lot more enjoyable. Good luck. He Who is Him may find favor with you.

Let’s get started

1. Since a follower of Marx is a Marxist, a follower of Mao is a Maoist, what is a follower of Obama?

A: Brilliantly capable of understanding nuance and seeing the Messiah’s Path as Holy, to be traveled without question.

B: Stupid

If you answered A, good going! Now, continue on to the next question. If you answered B, please try one more time, to find out if there is any hope for you at all.

2. The picture shows the back of President Obama’s head. To see his glorious face, hold your monitor in front of your bathroom mirror.

If you followed these instructions, congratulations! You’re well on your way to enlightenment. If you thought this exercise was a grand waste of time, suitable only for morons, get out of here you Racist, Bigoted, Homophobic, Hater!

3. If you believe that Obama Care is a Right, should be available to all those who reside in the United States, and must be paid for by evil corporations and the wealthy, you…

A: Have turned over all free will to the Chosen One, as he knows what’s best for you. Praise be to Obama!

B: Are a Fascist.

Actually, it was a trick question, both are correct. Getting the answer half right still counts as a correct answer. If you didn’t answer the question, that’s okay. You still get to be counted as doing it, just like when you forget to vote. Remember it’s your heart felt motivation that matters, not actually achieving anything.

4. For the next section on the quiz, get a permanent marker. Now find these words, and circle them on your screen. Obama, Messiah, Liberal, Democrat.

Did you find them all? If you did, fantastic! If not, you’re still a wonder human being, and may yet sit as His Left Hand.

5. If you still believe in Global Warming…

A. What? Why wouldn’t I believe?

B. Clap your hands.

Either answer is just fine. You’ve got what it takes. Obama almost loves you, so don’t stop now!

6. Just one last section. This is where we test your loyalty. You must kill George W. Bush. The War Criminal is laughing at you and has to be stopped.

The devastating decisions Bush made, are still preventing our Leader, Barack Obama from achieving his earthly goals. The only way for Lord Obama to complete his mission, and you to attain Nirvana, is to rid the world of the failed policies of the past. Break the spell of this vile sorcerer!

This task will require a special piece of equipment. Go find a length of pipe, a steel rod, or other sharp metal object. It can’t have any kind of insulation on it. You will want to feel his life leaving his body, throughout your entirety.

Got a suitable skewer for slaying the Great Satan, who is Bush? Fantastic! Now, slam it through his black heart!

This concludes our test. If you’re reading this, you’re a big, fat loser, unable follow even the simplest of instructions. Never will you never walk in the light of  the Messiah. You’re a worthless failure. Worse than that, you suck!

But you may be able to find a small bit of redemption, you piece of crap. Obama demands you throw yourself under a bus.  He hasn’t got time to do it himself. Now go. GO! Don’t look at me that way. Get out of here! Find a speeding  Greyhound to stand in front of. You disgust me. That’s right, out the door. Off to the freeway with you.

[Wow! That was fun, and way easy too. Almost as much fun as running over dirty, stinking hippies with a Hummer! Obama voters got to be the most gullible idiots of this age. Darwin would be so proud of me.]

In honor of Memorial Day, we bring you this conservative politics series by our token veteran, Les James. It’s a 3 part series that will run Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Thanks to all veterans for their service.

Act 1: The Formative Years

School Daze

For me, it all started early in life with the Trilateral Commission, Viet Nam, the U.N. and Commies.

Fear of vast shadow government conspiracies and nightly news body counts, coupled with duck and cover drills -which meant crawling under our desks in case of a Russian nuclear attack- filled my elementary school brain with thoughts of certain death, one world governments or having to wear Chairman Mao’s trendy Red Star fashions.

Growing up in Southern California, we also had earthquakes to contend with. Row upon row of un-tempered school glass, letting the sunlight into those halls of learning, were just biding their time. Patiently waiting to rain down their machete-like shards. Transforming the classroom into an abattoir (pardon my French), a slaughterhouse for our tender flesh. Again, their answer was to dive under our desks.

I’m not sure how long I could’ve held my breath, under that desk, as California slid into the Pacific Ocean.

Can you even imagine what a school desk would look like today that was government approved for flying glass, submarine operations and radioactive fallout? Forget about those $2000 toilet seats and $500 hammers.

I wonder if Gov. Schwarzenegger (R?) CA. is even aware of this potential disaster. One well place phone call and we could financially finish off the state. You know they’d have to fund it. It’s for the children. But then the illegals would just move somewhere else and probably not back home.

Where was I? Oh, yeah, me growing up. I knew it was something important. So, let’s get back to this riveting narrative.

Then there were the Hessians, the chief rival to the Hell’s Angles. They were living in our little piece of paradise. These guys were just a couple of blocks away. Any moment they could have gone into a booze and drug crazed frenzy and laid waste to the area before the police could have even arrived.

All in all, I had a most enjoyable and idyllic childhood.

You’re in the Army Now

Add to all of the above, the twenty mind warping, soul stealing, spirit crushing, hippie hating, and baby-killing years I spent in the U.S. Army. Is it any wonder that I ended up the way I did?

Kick volition and freedom of choice to the curb. It’s not my fault. I’m a product of my environment, an environment that someone created, and as soon as I figure out who’s to blame, I’m suing. It’s my right. In the Constitution, it falls under the pursuit of happiness and I’m willing to take a chance that money can’t buy it.

Hang on, back up to the beginning of this section. I’m having another one of those whatcha call it, ah, rhetorical question moments. So I ask you -well, not really- why are our soldiers labeled as baby killers by the very ones who demand the right to abortions? Things that make you go, hummmm. Enough of this, back to the story.

Ranking high amongst the choice assignments I had in the early 80s, was the one defending the West German border against an estimated 5000 Russian tanks waiting on the other side of the Fulda Gap.

Our cushy job was to take 80% causalities within the first two hours, by providing a speed bump for Ivan and his band of merry men, while on their way to Frankfurt. Rumor had it, they’d heard the beer was much better there. Plus, most of the women bathed and actually shaved their legs and armpits. Oh, and their upper lips. There was also something about Hershey bars and silk stocking that I never fully understood.

Mean while back at the ranch, a splinter group of the Italian terrorist front, the Red Brigade, known as the Baader Meinhof Gang -along with other concerned, peace loving citizens- were busy blowing-up my fellow soldiers in their cars or leaving them laying, half beat to death, in roadside ditches.

I walked by two bombs on post -that were fortunately discovered in time- and witnessed the Officer’s Club being ripped apart late one evening by a third. Either by shear luck or divine providence, the club had run out of beer and closed early that night, so no one was hurt. Ran out of beer in Germany? What are the odds?

A friend of mine got to wipe what was left of his German girlfriend off of him one night, when someone thought it would be funny to gut a Berlin nightclub. Oh, those goofy Marxist jokesters.

This brand of slapstick, pratfall, physical humor had been going on for years. So if you believe that this all started with George Bush, think again or maybe just…think. These 3 Stooges copycat antics continued uncheck, and mostly out of the US press, until one group took their vaudeville show on the road. They opened for our Marines in Beirut, and yes, I am saying that they had the same booking agent.

Aside from their obvious ties with the USSR, the PLO was training many of these stand-up terrorists troupes in North Africa. The Sultan of Comedy himself, Uncle Yassar was hosting this laugh fest. That checkered tablecloth on his head always killed me.

Anyway. A big chunk of the funding came from heroin sales. I can only assume that some of the Poppies were grown in Afghanistan. That’s right, Junkies for Jihad. Stick that in your Prius tailpipes and smoke it, all of you sniveling, hybrid driving, whinny voiced “SUV’s support terrorism” nut jobs.

So here we had two “wars” going at the same time in the same theater. The Cold War was rather in-your-face and hard to ignore. Regan kind of saw to that. At the same time and in the same place we were being attacked by Middle Eastern trained, Communist backed, home grown terrorists. We didn’t even know we were in that war.

What did we do about the injuries and deaths of my friends and fellow servicemen and women? Nothing! Well, that’s not entirely true, we decided it was a criminal issue, best left to the police and lawyers. Once you get civilian lawyers involved in military matters…

Someday I’ll tell you about the warm receptions I’d sometimes get on school campuses as a recruiter. I’ve got a couple of really funny stories.

But now it’s over. I’m very glad that the world has been so dramatically changed, that our kids won’t have to face similar times. It does my heart good, to know that’s its all in the past.

Humor-Blogs.com is on campus, recruiting the funny.