Political Humor

Brave Sir Glenn has gone in search of warriors to help in his fight against the evil Shadow of Obamanation. His travels have taken him to the site of the Republican Party’s Election Day Massacre. A dark figure stands in the midst of the carnage. Sir Glenn doesn’t recognize the Black Knight, due to the bucket on his head.

Sir Glenn: “You read with the smooth and practiced words of many men, Sir Knight.”

[The Black Knight doesn't respond, which is very weird]

Sir Glenn: “I am Glenn of Beck, of the Order of Reagan.”

[No response]

Sir Glenn: “I seek the bravest and the finest knights in the land to join me, to fight the smiley faced fascism, which spreads across our fair land.”

[No response]

Sir Glenn: “You have proved yourself a worthy adversary. Will you change your views and join me?”

[Still, no response]

Sir Glenn: “You make me sad. So be it. I shall now go back to Conservalot, the Shining City on the Hill. I know… it’s not a very good name. But it does have a grail-shaped swimming pool.”

[Sir Glenn attempts to get around the Black Knight, who draws his sword ]

Black Knight: “None from the Radical Right shall pass.”

Sir Glenn: “What did you say?”

Black Knight: “No Republican shall pass!”

Sir Glenn: “I’m not a Republican. I’m a Conservative, and I’ve no time to parry words with you any longer, Sir Knight. I must go back. I have a show to do on Fox.”

Black Knight: “Fox is it? Then you shall die.”

Sir Glenn: “In the name of the Founding Fathers and the Constitution, I command you to stand aside!”

Black Knight: “I move for no old, balding, white man.”

Sir Glenn: “If you didn’t have that bucket stuck on your head, you’d see the only thing you had correct was the white part! And it’s doughy white.”

Black Knight: “Don’t bother me with your “facts”.”

[Sir Glenn draws his weapon and they fight until he cuts off the Black Knight's tiny penis with the Sword of Righteousness]

Sir Glenn: “Now, stand aside. You have been neutered!”

Black Knight: “‘Tis but a scratch!”

Sir Glenn: “Yeah, in this case, that’s true, but it is your peter laying on the ground after all.”

Black Knight: “No it’s not.”

Sir Glenn: “Yes it is. I can see your detached, little Vienna sausage resting in the leaves on the forest floor, like an expired goldfish. It’s gone ‘yon to that Great Veil. It’s dead as a doornail. A fallen soldier, never to salute again. Roadkill. Worm food. A past tense baby maker. Cold as a witch’s bosom. It’s an ex-peter!

Black Knight: “No, it isn’t! That’s not mine.  It’s…It’s  Hillary Clinton’s.”

Sir Glenn: “Please. I don’t think so. Hillary’s is much larger.”

Black Knight: “OK then, it’s Michelle’s.”

Sir Glenn: “Yuck! That’s sick!”

Black Knight: “Come on, you homophobe!”

[They fight again. Glenn cuts off the Knight's right arm]

Sir Glenn: “Victory is mine!”

[Sir Glenn kneels to pray]

Sir Glenn: “We thank thee Lord, that in thy mercy…”

[The Black Knight picks up a teleprompter with his remaining hand and arm, and swings at Sir Glenn’s head and misses.]

Black Knight: “Come on then, Bible Thumper. Fight me like a…a…citizen of the world.”

Sir Glenn: “What? I’ve cut off your arm.”

Black Knight: “I’ve had worse.  Anyway, I don’t need my right arm. I need nothing on the right. I’m a Lefty!”

Sir Glenn: “You are indeed a left-handed fool, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine!”

[Sir Glenn cuts off the Black Knight’s left arm]

Black Knight: “Oh, had enough, then eh?”

Sir Glenn: “Look, you stupid socialist. You’ve got no arms left. It’s over.”

Black Knight: “I’m the Black Knight! I’m too big to fail! I’m omnipotent!”

Sir Glenn: “You’re a raving moonbat!”

[Sir Glenn pushes by the Black Knight]

Black Knight: “I have two good legs. I can still walk on water! I’ll chase you down wherever you go and kick the dog crap out of you.”

Sir Glenn: “Whatever.”

[Sir Glenn cuts both of the Black Knight’s legs of with one swing of the Sword of Righteousness]

Black Knight: “Come back here bigot! I’ll do you!”

Sir Glenn: “With what? Besides, do I look like Barney Frank?”

Black Knight: “It’s because I’m half black isn’t it? Fine. I win then, you racist.”

Throwing Down the Gauntlet: Since our President can give one speech in Cairo and change the course of events in the Muslim world, I believe we too can influence the views of, at least, a few. Come-on Rush, just admit you read Radioactive Liberty and use us for show prep. I heard you mention Scrappleface the other day. We’re funnier and you know it. Fess-up.

Fade in: Stars in the shape of dollar signs, trillions and trillions. We hear a familiar, well-modulated voice reading:

“Socialism, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the USS Anti-Enterprise. Its 8-10 year mission: to institute a Nanny State, to seek out new forms of taxation and subjugation. To boldly go where no American government has gone before!”

Soaring kazoo solo theme music plays as opening tiles role.

Fade to black. Cut to commercial.

“Hey, this is Don Imus for Kink-Away. Have you black chicks ever wished you could get rid of your nappy head of hair and have that sexy, white-babe looking straight hair just like Michelle Obama’s? Well, now you can…

Commercial fades out. Fade in to opening scene.

Scene I: The United Socialist States Anti-Enterprise is circling a large planet.

Voice over: Captain’s Log, Stardate 0904.13. We are in geosynchronous orbit above the infamous Black Hole penal colony on Uranus. This is where society’s most dangerous political prisoners are kept. Deep in the bowels of the planet is the ultra-high security, Subversive Conservatives Pit. It’s been penetrated, and some of the universe’s most treasonous villains have escaped.

We suspect Public Enemy #1, Rush Limbaugh, is behind this jail break. He had been thought to be dead, but recently, new, prerecorded messages from Rush have been broadcasting on illegal blogs, which have been hacked into the Gorenet. We’d traced the source back to the Tora Borealis caves on Mars.

I, Captain Barack H. Obama, lead the landing team. As we entered the cigar smoke-filled caves, a crew member -that I don’t ever remember seeing before- tripped a light beam. Limbaugh’s voice echoed off of the cave’s walls. After listening to about thirty second of this vile hate speech, this crew member turned to me and said, “Sir, this Limbaugh guy makes sense.” I shot him.

We searched the caves, but never found Limbaugh. All that was left in there was the recorder that played the blasphemous message and a list of names, written on one of the walls. Sean Hannity, Matt Drudge, Glen Beck and oddly enough, Dennis Miller. Precisely the same names of those who were now loose again, spreading their deleterious messages.

Hum, not a single woman’s name on the list. Not even that skinny bitch’s, Ann Coulter. I always thought Limbaugh was gay… oh shit, I’m, I’m…ad-libbing! Not that there’s anything, you know, wrong with being gay. Er, I mean, some of my best friends are… Help me BO Teleprompter! You’re my only hope!

Fade out – fade in to next scene

Scene II: The bridge of the Anti-Enterprise

Mr. Biden: “I like choo choo trains.”

Cpt Obama: (Sitting in his Captain’s Chair) “Someone throw him out an airlock!”

Two burly women, with crew cuts, grab Biden by each arm and hustle him into the elevator.

Mr. Biden: “Oh, goody. (Singing)We’re going to the airlock. We’re going to the airlock… Is that were they keep the choo choo trains?”

Cpt Obama: “Mr. Gibbs, do we have communications with that prison’s moron warden?

Mr. Gibbs: “Ah sir, he should be along any ah, moment now. Ah, I don’t have an exact ah, tic toc on that, but I will, ah put your question on my, ah, list and ah, get back to you.”

Cpt Obama: “You do that sparky.” (Pressing a button on the arm rest) “Mr. Geithner.”

Mr. Geithner: (Thick Scottish accent) Aye Captain, Scotty here.”

Cpt Obama: “Timmy, what have I told you about using that name and stupid accent? Never mind. We are in a jam. By we, I mean everyone but me is in trouble. Just as soon as we get a fix on the warden, I want you to beam him up and then immediately beam his sorry butt into the heart of the sun. You got that?”

Mr. Geithner: “Aye Captain. Beam his sorry butt into the sun. Sir, isn’t that going to make it hard for him to sit down. You know, since he won’t have a butt. Would it be all right if I just beam all of him into the sun?”

Cpt Obama: “Yeah, you stupid waste of… Just take care of it. Then I need you to spin-up the warp drive printing presses. I don’t care how much it cost, I will silence Limbaugh and the rest of those conservatives, if it’s the last thing I do. I’m going to need warp printing factor 10. We have to print a helluva lot a cash to finance this purge.”

Mr Geithner: “But sir, she won’t hold together… The dilithium crystals!

Voice over: Tune-in again some time in the future for part II of Anti-Enterprise, The Ship of Tools, when we’ll hear Lt Emanuel say: “You told Timmy (chortle) that you have ‘complete faith in him‘. Cpt Obama: (Snort) I know!” (Both burst into laughter).

Commercial fades out.  Cut to CSPAN screen.

“Next on CSPAN, Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi will preside over the beheading of two Republican Congressmen, to be chosen by text messages and tweets.”

Question from Les:  What do you call a parody of a parody anyway?