Political Humor

Greenland is melting! Run for your lives!

Republicans and big corporations first! (I have to appease my paymasters).

According to an article on newsy.com — I guess it’s only newsy, like news-ish, and not really actual news — a NASA study says ice is melting adding much faster rate than previously calculated. We are supposed to be terrified, because Greenland is apparently getting warmer.

Please, Gaia! Forgive us for being the deadly viral infection we are. Please! Don’t let Greenland ever be green again!

A new NASA study finds both the Arctic and Antarctic ice caps are melting at a much faster rate than previously believed. The 18-year study discovered the ice sheets are now the number one contributor to rising sea levels.

Repent! Repent! It’s not too late! Yes it is. It’s too late! Ω

The study says the melting ice sheets would add 5.9 inches to the sea level. Along with mountain ice melting and other factors – the sea level will actually rise 12.6 inches. A writer for Ars Technica says – this is very bad news for lowland areas.

Nearly absent from this story is the date for which this global annihilation is to occur. That year would be 2050. it appears toward the top of the page in a portion of text that doesn’t seem to be part of the story yet. Following the link to the ArsTechnica article also reveals this date in the last paragraph. It would seem to me that if a story is alleging impending doom, then it might be important to make the “WHEN” of it all a little more prominent.

The Global Warming Cult who believes in the solid-state model of the Earth believe nothing has ever changed and the earth has remained exactly like it is for all of eternity — Until humans came along and fucked it all up.

You go first since you’re so cheerful and chipper about it. Lead by example.

Let’s get back to our enlightened scienticians and their prophecies of global warming doom. ArsTechnica:

Sea levels have been rising nearly unabated since the late 19th century, but rates have been increasing in recent years

Before you bolt off for the nearest Mars mission to escape the Earth Armegeddon, let’s just look at the previous statement a little closer. In NASA’s own glossary right there on NASA.gov you’ll see a reference to Little Ice Age. You’ll have to scroll down a little.

Little Ice Age
A cold period that lasted from about A.D. 1550 to about A.D. 1850 in Europe, North America, and Asia.

Let’s rewrite that ArsTechnica sentence a bit with our newfound context.

Sea levels have been rising nearly unabated since the end of the Little Ice Age.

Crap. That just doesn’t sound at all frightenting. How are we supposed to strip people of their civil liberties and usurp authority if they all know that nothing at all odd is happening and the Earth is just returning to a perfectly normal warmer state? That will never work.

But wait, there’s more!

Melting ice cap triggering earthquakes – Guardian

Eco-nazis had to dig all the way back to 2007 to blame the recent Japanese quake on global warming. Not surprising since there’s no new “evidence” of global warming.

The Greenland ice cap is melting so quickly that it is triggering earthquakes as pieces of ice several cubic kilometres in size break off.

How, you ask?

Veli Kallio, a Finnish scientist, said the quakes were triggered because ice had broken away after being fused to the rock for hundreds of years.

Translation: Because we’re Scienticians and you’re a stupid doodoohead and we said so. Now go buy some of those Mercury Bulbs, a car that runs on electricity supplied by nuclear fission, or burning coal and shut the Hell up.

Dammit! Why can’t that ice just stay put?

Global warming is the new Cold War, and just as the threat of global annihilation in the 1950s and 1960s terrified children, the new threat of global annihilation by natural process has replaced the duck and cover exercise with the Ration and Recycle. Our children are being taught lies in the name of science. Here’s an actual quote from my stepdaughters homework assignment on the greenhouse effect stated, “the greenhouse effect is a problem that must be solved.”

Schools are quite literally teaching children that the very natural process that allows there to be life on this planet is some sort of dangerous pollution that humans must do anything at any cost to eliminate. The greenhouse effect is the process by which heat is retained on the Earth, thus allowing there to be life here. The curriculum being taught to our children deliberately conflates the concept of pollution (like mercury), with the process of heat retention.

The Solid State Earthers™ and their People’s Temple Cult of Global Warming™ want everyone to believe that it is unnatural and dangerous for the average global temperature — whatever the Hell that means — to be increasing. But it’s not. In fact, since the end of the Little Ice Age, the Earth and humanity have prospered because of the increase in temperature. More diverse forms of life can exist where it is warmer. Compare the varieties of life in areas near the equator to the numbers of varieties of life in the polar regions and it becomes clearer comparing these extremes which is the sort of temperature that is more supportive of life.

I can understand the very human concerns that many have for the state of property in areas where the coastline may move inland. However the Earth is not in a solid state. It has changed many times over the years. Coastlines change. It’s a natural process.

We Humans may consider our structures and homes to be permanent, and to be designed to be permanent, but they’re not. The earth is ever changing and humanity now has over six billion people populating this planet precisely because we have a fantastic ability to adapt.

I’m amazed by some of the inhospitable places where life can exist and where humans can thrive. Yet I find it fascinating how many people are ignorant of the fact that the earth can transform itself, and that it is not necessarily a process of destruction caused by humans.

Take a deep breath. People have been predicting the end of the world ever since the beginning of it. There’s no need to hop a flight to Mars any time soon. The Earth is safe for a few billion more years.

Plus, you really don’t want to take your chances going into outer space with coked up NASA engineers shooting down space junk with lasers.

There are too many people that don’t know the facts about global warming. Some may believe in global warming myths, while others simply don’t know all the global warming statistics.

In order to bring enlightenment, and most likely create a few myths of my own, I’ve developed this FAQ to provide you with all the global warming information you need.

What causes global warming?

The Sun. Without it, the Earth would be a cold, bleak, desolate wasteland. Much like Pluto, which is no longer a planet. Or Al Gore’s brain.

Is Global Warming real?

I wouldn’t say that global warming is not happening. But whether or not the Earth is genuinely going through a phase of warming or cooling is part of a natural cycle. The real question is whether Man Made global warming is a scam. Yes. Yes it is a scam. Just like Scientology.

Do you have pictures of global warming?

Don’t be silly. It’s impossible to have pictures of things that don’t exist. I find it interesting how many mythical things we have “pictures” of. For example, the famous photograph of the Loch Ness Monster is really a hand in the bathtub. Like so.

Of course, there are artist renderings of global warming. In other words, fake pictures. Like the one of the poor polar bears above. Do keep in mind, that these are fake, phony contrived images.

Nothing more than a hoax. Like the “Osama bin Laden” tapes. Basically the exact sort of thing you would expect from the AP or Reuters.

Is Ron Paul still running for President?

That’s an excellent question, but a better question would be: why is Ron Paul still running for President? He has about as much of a chance of winning as Barack Obama does in winning a professional bowling tournament.

How many votes does a person need to not get before they call it quits? What I do know is that this question has nothing to do with global warming.

Now that I think about it, they are both insane religious cults.

Is there any evidence against global warming?

Of course there is, but as with other religions, petty details like “facts” and “evidence” are of no concern to the practitioners of the global warming religion faith. You can show as much data as you want to Al Gore and global warming’s hysterical hyperventalationists, but it will get you nowhere.

Can global warming be prevented?

Sure it can. I can also move objects with my mind. Barack Obama can bowl a perfect game, Al Gore isn’t insane, and controlling the weather is fun and easy.

Are there any natural causes of global warming?

Almost all causes of global warming are entirely natural. Volcanoes erupt and spew tons of “greenhouse gases” into the air. Volcanoes are one of the leading causes of global warming.

Cow farts are another leading cause. The process of evaporation over the oceans are also contribute to the natural causes of global warming.

Are humans the cause of global warming?

No. Whatever factor we play is nearly insignificant.

Is global warming for kids?

Kids love global warming! Whether they’re running through the sprinkler, taking a refreshing dip in the pool, or cooling off with some ice cream; there’s really no downside to global warming for kids.

Now you are armed with the facts about global warming. Go forth and club a baby seal, punch a dirty hippy, and feel secure in the knowledge that not even Al Gore’s palatial estate produces as large a carbon footprint as a volcano does.

So, turn on the lights, idle the car, and crank up the AC. It really won’t matter any more once Yellowstone or Anak Krakatau blows.

Humor-Blogs.com did not know that Yellowstone was a supervolcano, and I can’t believe I just linked to Wikipedia.

Here are a few other articles related to global warming information:

• Global Warming Solutions: The Ultimate Guide
• Global Warming Kills Nessie
• How You can Help Save the Planet
• Global Warming Armageddon
• Global Warming and Narnia

We now return you to your regularly scheduled political humor.