Political Humor

Greenland is melting! Run for your lives!

Republicans and big corporations first! (I have to appease my paymasters).

According to an article on newsy.com — I guess it’s only newsy, like news-ish, and not really actual news — a NASA study says ice is melting adding much faster rate than previously calculated. We are supposed to be terrified, because Greenland is apparently getting warmer.

Please, Gaia! Forgive us for being the deadly viral infection we are. Please! Don’t let Greenland ever be green again!

A new NASA study finds both the Arctic and Antarctic ice caps are melting at a much faster rate than previously believed. The 18-year study discovered the ice sheets are now the number one contributor to rising sea levels.

Repent! Repent! It’s not too late! Yes it is. It’s too late! Ω

The study says the melting ice sheets would add 5.9 inches to the sea level. Along with mountain ice melting and other factors – the sea level will actually rise 12.6 inches. A writer for Ars Technica says – this is very bad news for lowland areas.

Nearly absent from this story is the date for which this global annihilation is to occur. That year would be 2050. it appears toward the top of the page in a portion of text that doesn’t seem to be part of the story yet. Following the link to the ArsTechnica article also reveals this date in the last paragraph. It would seem to me that if a story is alleging impending doom, then it might be important to make the “WHEN” of it all a little more prominent.

The Global Warming Cult who believes in the solid-state model of the Earth believe nothing has ever changed and the earth has remained exactly like it is for all of eternity — Until humans came along and fucked it all up.

You go first since you’re so cheerful and chipper about it. Lead by example.

Let’s get back to our enlightened scienticians and their prophecies of global warming doom. ArsTechnica:

Sea levels have been rising nearly unabated since the late 19th century, but rates have been increasing in recent years

Before you bolt off for the nearest Mars mission to escape the Earth Armegeddon, let’s just look at the previous statement a little closer. In NASA’s own glossary right there on NASA.gov you’ll see a reference to Little Ice Age. You’ll have to scroll down a little.

Little Ice Age
A cold period that lasted from about A.D. 1550 to about A.D. 1850 in Europe, North America, and Asia.

Let’s rewrite that ArsTechnica sentence a bit with our newfound context.

Sea levels have been rising nearly unabated since the end of the Little Ice Age.

Crap. That just doesn’t sound at all frightenting. How are we supposed to strip people of their civil liberties and usurp authority if they all know that nothing at all odd is happening and the Earth is just returning to a perfectly normal warmer state? That will never work.

But wait, there’s more!

Melting ice cap triggering earthquakes – Guardian

Eco-nazis had to dig all the way back to 2007 to blame the recent Japanese quake on global warming. Not surprising since there’s no new “evidence” of global warming.

The Greenland ice cap is melting so quickly that it is triggering earthquakes as pieces of ice several cubic kilometres in size break off.

How, you ask?

Veli Kallio, a Finnish scientist, said the quakes were triggered because ice had broken away after being fused to the rock for hundreds of years.

Translation: Because we’re Scienticians and you’re a stupid doodoohead and we said so. Now go buy some of those Mercury Bulbs, a car that runs on electricity supplied by nuclear fission, or burning coal and shut the Hell up.

Dammit! Why can’t that ice just stay put?

Global warming is the new Cold War, and just as the threat of global annihilation in the 1950s and 1960s terrified children, the new threat of global annihilation by natural process has replaced the duck and cover exercise with the Ration and Recycle. Our children are being taught lies in the name of science. Here’s an actual quote from my stepdaughters homework assignment on the greenhouse effect stated, “the greenhouse effect is a problem that must be solved.”

Schools are quite literally teaching children that the very natural process that allows there to be life on this planet is some sort of dangerous pollution that humans must do anything at any cost to eliminate. The greenhouse effect is the process by which heat is retained on the Earth, thus allowing there to be life here. The curriculum being taught to our children deliberately conflates the concept of pollution (like mercury), with the process of heat retention.

The Solid State Earthers™ and their People’s Temple Cult of Global Warming™ want everyone to believe that it is unnatural and dangerous for the average global temperature — whatever the Hell that means — to be increasing. But it’s not. In fact, since the end of the Little Ice Age, the Earth and humanity have prospered because of the increase in temperature. More diverse forms of life can exist where it is warmer. Compare the varieties of life in areas near the equator to the numbers of varieties of life in the polar regions and it becomes clearer comparing these extremes which is the sort of temperature that is more supportive of life.

I can understand the very human concerns that many have for the state of property in areas where the coastline may move inland. However the Earth is not in a solid state. It has changed many times over the years. Coastlines change. It’s a natural process.

We Humans may consider our structures and homes to be permanent, and to be designed to be permanent, but they’re not. The earth is ever changing and humanity now has over six billion people populating this planet precisely because we have a fantastic ability to adapt.

I’m amazed by some of the inhospitable places where life can exist and where humans can thrive. Yet I find it fascinating how many people are ignorant of the fact that the earth can transform itself, and that it is not necessarily a process of destruction caused by humans.

Take a deep breath. People have been predicting the end of the world ever since the beginning of it. There’s no need to hop a flight to Mars any time soon. The Earth is safe for a few billion more years.

Plus, you really don’t want to take your chances going into outer space with coked up NASA engineers shooting down space junk with lasers.

The way science is suppose to work, is that some totally brainy individual comes up with a notion. Those of us in the know, call this a Hy-poth-e-sis. Then these Bill Nye wannabes try to disprove it. If, after a bunch of test and stuff, this Hypothesis thingy still seems sound, it gets sent out for a lot of other Eggheads to try to prove it false. This is called Peer Review. I’m submitting this scholarly work to my peers for review. That would be you. Please do your level best to show me why this awesome idea is not the answer to all of our problems. Thank you.

Les James                                                                                                                                          Doctor of Photography and Satirelogy

Part One of a Golly Gee Wiz, Super Smart, and Scientifically Cool, Fact-Filled Paper

Global Warming is happening. Duh! It’s been happening since the end of the last Ice Age. Apparently this is bad. Man didn’t cause it, but we can stop it.

Now that we have proof that the “fact” of anthropogenic Global Warming, caused by increased CO2, has been nothing but deception, perpetrated by “climate experts” using junk science and worse politics, let’s finally get serious about saving the earth from the real culprit –Oxygen.

O2 is responsible for almost all of the planet’s ills. Big Food and Big Supplements are constantly telling us that they have  products that contain Anti-oxidants. Anti means against, so these mega-corps are against oxidants. These products of theirs are supposed to help you live longer and better. If you do that, you’ll be around to buy more of their enriched cereals and multi-vitamins. Shameless bastards.

Big Insurance hasn’t found a way to make a profit off of this …yet. Rest assured when they do, you feel forced to buy oxidant insurance. Or maybe, they’ll start writing in an oxidantal death clause into their policies.

Anyway, Big Food and Supplements are on to something, but haven’t taken it far enough.

My Way Bright and Gnarly Hypothesis

If we would just cut down on oxygen, we could stave off the real cause of global warming, protect countless animal species, end starvation, eliminate the disparity between the rich and poor nations of the earth, increase live expectancy, decrease health care cost, and usher in an era of total equality. And we could do it cheaply.

The Process of Death

When oxygen is metabolized in air breathers, it causes mitochondrial degeneration of lipids, proteins, and DNA, by releasing Free Radicals. In other words, O2 causes cellular aging and diseases, and in the end, Kills. This is a very simplified explanation, but it illustrates the need to put a Cap on the electron transfers of this destructive process, and thereby stop the Trade of these Free Radicals, who seek our destruction.

Sulfur dioxide, carbon dioxide, nitrous oxide and water vapor (H2O) are the most damaging of the Greenhouse Gasses, but could not exist without oxygen. I’m not suggestion we eliminate oxygen altogether. Instead, I believe that by reducing the amount, by as little as 20%, we could significantly decrease these gasses, and provide Mother Earth the break that only humans can give. Instead of the roughly 21% O2 currently enjoys, let’s knock it down to about 17%.

Another benefit will be to industry. Rust, which never sleeps, is another unhealthy byproduct of oxygenation. It’s responsible for untold millions of dollars of infrastructure damage each year.

In other words, the very air we breathe is ruining our machines and killing us.

Next time, we’ll look at solutions.

The BBC reports that Global Warming died a horrible, embarrassing death in 1998. Since that time, the Earth has “unexpectedly” cooled. According to the report:

For the last 11 years we have not observed any increase in global temperatures.

And our climate models did not forecast it, even though man-made carbon dioxide, the gas thought to be responsible for warming our planet, has continued to rise.

How utterly shocking! It’s almost as if the Global Warming Hysteria agenda was a purely political movement, contrived to inflict fear in the general public and allow worldwide governments to pass legislation designed to limit the liberties of their citizens.

Let’s analyze. Since this is one of AlGore’s pet projects, we’ll transform one of his own speeches. Carbon dioxide has gone UP! Temperatures have gone DOWN!

Here’s a key statement “Our climate models did not forecast it.” Let’s see, who here could have predicted that the computer model predicting the weather could have possibly been wrong? Anyone.

Oooh! Oooh! Pick me! And what did I get for my efforts? In my Facts on Global Warming post, the enlightened “Cynthia” had this to say:

Wow, you are a moron my friend. That’s ok though one day you will look back at this post and say oops… oh well my bad!

Oops isn’t exactly the word coming to mind right at the moment. What else is there? “Tiago” says

everyone who said global warming is a hoax and especially whoever wrote this article…you are all a bunch of drooling morons

Let me get you a towel to wipe up that drool, my friend. Thankfully “Informed Reader” was impervious to the media propaganda and had these sage words to say

Well, all I have to say is this author is a complete idiot. I would wager a guess to say they never graduated from college as well seeing as he does not have to ability to look at facts and see them for what they are.

Or not. Hey, did you know that Einstein was kicked out of school for asking too many questions? Clearly the man was an idiot.

We even had a special appearance by “Guy Who Knows More Than The Author.” I’d quote him, but he had to get back on the short bus and go home.

Thousands of years ago, Nug Nug looked at the sky and said “Big ball of fire in sky make hot.” They didn’t even have a word for “science” yet, and still Nug Nug had his scientific method down far better than the so-called “Scientists” of today.

Back to the BBC article.

Sceptics argue that the warming we observed was down to the energy from the Sun increasing. After all 98% of the Earth’s warmth comes from the Sun.

Wow! 98% huh? That’s almost ALL of it. Yet, still the priesthood of the New Religion of Global Warming Hysteria claim that, and I quote, “Warming in the last 20 to 40 years can’t have been caused by solar activity.” Now that’s incredible, as in the opposite of credible. What did this guy get his degree in? 12th Century Japanese Poetry?

Fortunately, the BBC has the good mind to make sure we all know that there is some renegade out there questioning the general consensus. He’s probably the next unabomber or something based on the introduction he received.

But one solar scientist Piers Corbyn from Weatheraction, a company specialising in long range weather forecasting, disagrees.

Just a single, solitary scientist questions the veracity of man made global warming. A lone gunman, if you will. Thankfully he’s the only one, right?

He claims that solar charged particles impact us far more than is currently accepted, so much so he says that they are almost entirely responsible for what happens to global temperatures.

Nug Nug, is that you? Let’s recap, the Sun generates 98% of the Earth’s heat, which is almost all of it, and this guy wants us to believe that “solar charged particles” are responsible for almost all of the Earth’s heat? Like, maybe 98%? Put the guy in a mental institution! “Guy who knows more than the Author” said he’s an idiot. And you know that’s a credible source.

We were force fed a steady diet of global warming propaganda on the basis of a scientific model that failed to produce accurate predictions. I thought that a model that didn’t make accurate predictions meant that the hypothesis was wrong. What does ScienceBuddies have to say about the scientific method?
See that part where it says “Hypothesis is false or partially true.” It seems to me that it winds up circling back around to “Construct new hypothesis.”

Big ball of fire in sky make hot. Nug Nug’s hypothesis still holds true, even after tens of thousands of years.

Perhaps it’s time we finally gave The Great Global Warming Hoax it’s eulogy. Offer your eulogy in the comments section.