Political Humor

The Obama Administration has suggested a bold plan to save the planet from global warming. There are many that seem to think that filling the air with pollution in order to reverse global warming could have adverse unintended consequences. We heard a lot about unintended consequences with respect to Bush and the invasion of Iraq, such as Saddam’s head coming clean off at his hanging, finding out that Russia isn’t our Best Friend Forever now that the Cold War is over, and learning – In a shocking turn of events – That the French are insufferable wimps, and don’t like us. For the life of me, I can’t remember what adverse unintended consequences there were supposed to be.

As much as I – as a member of the right wing attack machine – would like to criticize the Obama Plan to save the Earth by polluting it, I can’t. I mean, He wants to pollute the Earth and make it inhospitable to all life. That’s like the holy grail of being an evil conservative, but the plan is merely a good start. It simply doesn’t go far enough. We have to do more to realize our Utopian dream of returning the Earth to it’s pristine state of the Ice Age.

Remember when your father would complain that you needed to close the door because you were air conditioning the outdoors. He never realized how brilliant he really was. Perhaps he was just a stodgy old man that couldn’t understand kids these days and their newfangled denim jeans. Air conditioning the outdoors should be part of the solution to our impending agreeable climate problem. Turn down the thermostat so that your house resembles a walk in freezer. Do it for the Earth. Do it for the Children.

The Earth has a fever, and in order to treat it’s fever, we should buy up all the Tylenol and Ibuprofen we can and dump it in the nearest body of water. This should be effective as a fever reducer. Now, some of you may be unwilling to part with your money to buy up all these drugs, but turning the planet into an icebox will require sacrifice. If you are not willing to go the extra mile to save the earth from it’s human pestilence, I say to you, “You monster! Why won’t you do your part to cleanse the Earth of future generations of Earth killing humans.

Transformed from original image: Ice Hole Swimming by Lauri Väin

I know when I have a fever, it makes me feel better to have some ice cream, or Popsicles. We could also buy up all the ice cream and Popsicles we can and dump them in the nearest body of water. If that doesn’t work, then you should say, No! Bad! Bad Earth!” and swat it in the nose with a newspaper. If you don’t know where the Earth’s nose is, the nearest dirty hippie should suffice.

Unfortunately, our mere existence is a plague upon our home planet. We are a cancer, and as such, we should treat the Earth as if it has cancer. The main idea here is to poison the host body so thoroughly that it is cleansed of the disease, but not quite enough to kill the host body. That is why shooting pollution into the atmosphere is a great idea.

Back in the 70s when we were afraid of the global coldening that was occurring, we had the idea to cover the ice caps in soot to absorb more of the Sun’s heat. This caused the Earth to voluntarily change course and begin warming up, because it did not want emphysema. We could apply the very same sort of scare tactics today. Tell the Earth to shape up, or ship out. It’s what I like to call tough love. That’s a term I invented to convey the message that sometimes you have to be tough towards that which you love. I also invented the Internet.

However, the Earth seems to have suffered a fit of teenage independence and rebellion, and has returned to coldening over the last decade. The upside of this is that coldening is now a Good Thing™ by all objective measures. Assuming that by “all” you mean “hysterical kooks” and by “objective” you mean “mental hospital patient.”

This simply will not do. The ice caps are receding in the summer, and the cute, fuzzy, little harmless polar bears are going to go extinct if we don’t do something drastic and immediate. To this end, I have a suggestion. We could wire up the ice caps the same way they do with an ice skating rink. It works for Madison Square Garden, it can work for the Arctic.

If none of these measures work, we should wrap the ice caps in aluminum foil to deflect the heat of the Sun’s rays. Aluminum deflects heat. You can stick a baked potato in a fire and it cooks it instead of burning it as fuel for the fire. As an added bonus, it will go well with the tin foil hats now in fashion.

Finally, I propose that since the ice caps are made up of ice, we could ship ice to the arctic on a high speed, nationwide monorail.

You can now follow RLHumor on Twitter. Or if that doesn’t suit your style, subscribe to daily email updates.

What other solutions do you have to offer?

I’ve been noticing more and more political commercials lately where some empty headed celebrity endorses some sort of equally empty headed hint at how you, yes you can help stop global climate change. What is that change exactly? Is it warmer? Cooler? Warm in the summer and cold in the winter? Backwards in Australia?

Just what the fuck is climate change? Second. Why should I give a shit if I can save .000000003 kilowatt hours by switching off a reading light when I step out of the room for a few minutes? To he degree I even care, what I care about is my electric bill. Not saving the planet from climate change™. So, no. I won’t be using reusable toilet wipes.

I’m going to get real serious here for a second, so pardon me. Or don’t. I don’t really give a shit. When I’m dead. I’ll be DEAD. As such, I won’t care about ANYTHING anymore, because I will be incapable of caring, being that I’m dead, and all that. See there, that’s pretty much the definition of being dead.

So, the priority is quality of LIFE. In case you missed it, that would be the quality of MY life. Yes. I’ll be the evil conservative asshole here. Fuck the rest of you. I care about myself. ME. ME. ME.

The thing is, the rest of you denying that that is what your life is about. You’re either 100% full of shit. Or you’re deceiving even yourself. Even when it’s about other people, it’s really all about the self. Our ability to form relationships, as humans, is solely because there is a benefit for doing so. It’s still about the self, even when it doesn’t feel like it.

So, if it’s all about ME, and MY quality of life, then why shouldn’t I ask for a little better evidence that catastrophe is looming right around the corner than some sappy bullshit commercial with Noah Wylie telling me the polar bears are losing their habitat. I was buried under more snow yesterday than I can remember in my lifetime. Oh, but wait. The word of the day is climate change.

It’s not warming anymore. It’s Change. Perhaps part of all the Hope and Change promised by Obama. We get hope. Like, I hope I don’t lose the entire remaining balance in my 401k, because It’s already half of what it was 6 months ago. And change. We shuffle global warming under the rug, because it was all bullshit to begin with, and call it climate change.

Do people really just have no memory? It was not that long ago that the same vacant celebrities were telling us to shut off the power for an hour to fight global warming, but today, it is climate change we are fighting. What about the warming? Where did it go? Did we win the fight? Is it hiding in a corner? Did we kiss and make up? Is there some sort of treaty that was signed declaring a cease fire between humanity and global warming?

Come clean you disgusting bullshit artist swindling piece of shit pathetic excuse for human being rat shit con artist fuckers. There was never an ecological goal to begin with. The terminology changed for political expedience. Because there’s no warming. If there is no warming, and that was the hysteria. The issue is Dead.

Yes, Al Gore. The debate is over. Global warming is dead.