Political Humor

Part Two of an Unbelievably Quotable, Genus of a Paper

In Part One of my Wow! I can’t believe no one thought of this sooner solution to every problem …ever, we saw that Free Radicals, caused by the metabolization of oxygen, are the true cause of the Earth’s issues. This time we look at the solutions.

Simple steps can be immediately taken to reduce the effects of Free Radicals upon, not only our economy, but also the health of the entire world. Let’s look at some of the major contributors of oxygen, and find solutions.

I call for massive deforestation of the Amazon. This will go a long way to helping reduce the land-based production of oxygen and open up a lot of space for farming. Next, clear cut all old growth forest. We all know the elderly are useless anyway, and should be removed for the betterment of society.

Now we turn to the ocean. Pollution seems the most effective way to curb plankton growth. So, to save the planet, we must dump our waste into the sea.

Automobiles are terrible for the air we breathe. We ‘re going to have to outlaw catalytic converters. They put water vapor into the atmosphere, a leading cause of Global Warming. There are many other methods we can employ to bring down the oxygen in our atmosphere, but these will constitute a good beginning.

Admittedly, a first it may be difficult for some to cope with a lower O2 content in the air. I believe that my many mountaineering experiences from 16,500 to 22,500 feet, proves that the decreased pressure –much the same as decreased oxygen levels – which reduce reasoning ability, will not be noticed, since mostly, we will all suffer the same debilitating effects.

Everyone’s dumb at altitude. Except for idiots. They aren’t affected. This is how we level the economic playing field. America is great because of our ability to reason and problem solve. With those gifts eliminated, the rest of the world will be on an equal footing with us.

Just think of it. We can reduce Global Warming, increase the health of all oxygen breathing life forms, slow down decay by rust, and best of all, Save the Planet from Free Radicals. Finally, we have Science We Can Believe In.

If you can’t see the Truth in this, it’s because you simply don’t have the smarts to understand. This tells me you aren’t a true American, and are probably just a Stupid Mouth Breathing Foreigner, and therefore, an idiot.

Or, you might be running our country, and therefore…

The way science is suppose to work, is that some totally brainy individual comes up with a notion. Those of us in the know, call this a Hy-poth-e-sis. Then these Bill Nye wannabes try to disprove it. If, after a bunch of test and stuff, this Hypothesis thingy still seems sound, it gets sent out for a lot of other Eggheads to try to prove it false. This is called Peer Review. I’m submitting this scholarly work to my peers for review. That would be you. Please do your level best to show me why this awesome idea is not the answer to all of our problems. Thank you.

Les James                                                                                                                                          Doctor of Photography and Satirelogy

Part One of a Golly Gee Wiz, Super Smart, and Scientifically Cool, Fact-Filled Paper

Global Warming is happening. Duh! It’s been happening since the end of the last Ice Age. Apparently this is bad. Man didn’t cause it, but we can stop it.

Now that we have proof that the “fact” of anthropogenic Global Warming, caused by increased CO2, has been nothing but deception, perpetrated by “climate experts” using junk science and worse politics, let’s finally get serious about saving the earth from the real culprit –Oxygen.

O2 is responsible for almost all of the planet’s ills. Big Food and Big Supplements are constantly telling us that they have  products that contain Anti-oxidants. Anti means against, so these mega-corps are against oxidants. These products of theirs are supposed to help you live longer and better. If you do that, you’ll be around to buy more of their enriched cereals and multi-vitamins. Shameless bastards.

Big Insurance hasn’t found a way to make a profit off of this …yet. Rest assured when they do, you feel forced to buy oxidant insurance. Or maybe, they’ll start writing in an oxidantal death clause into their policies.

Anyway, Big Food and Supplements are on to something, but haven’t taken it far enough.

My Way Bright and Gnarly Hypothesis

If we would just cut down on oxygen, we could stave off the real cause of global warming, protect countless animal species, end starvation, eliminate the disparity between the rich and poor nations of the earth, increase live expectancy, decrease health care cost, and usher in an era of total equality. And we could do it cheaply.

The Process of Death

When oxygen is metabolized in air breathers, it causes mitochondrial degeneration of lipids, proteins, and DNA, by releasing Free Radicals. In other words, O2 causes cellular aging and diseases, and in the end, Kills. This is a very simplified explanation, but it illustrates the need to put a Cap on the electron transfers of this destructive process, and thereby stop the Trade of these Free Radicals, who seek our destruction.

Sulfur dioxide, carbon dioxide, nitrous oxide and water vapor (H2O) are the most damaging of the Greenhouse Gasses, but could not exist without oxygen. I’m not suggestion we eliminate oxygen altogether. Instead, I believe that by reducing the amount, by as little as 20%, we could significantly decrease these gasses, and provide Mother Earth the break that only humans can give. Instead of the roughly 21% O2 currently enjoys, let’s knock it down to about 17%.

Another benefit will be to industry. Rust, which never sleeps, is another unhealthy byproduct of oxygenation. It’s responsible for untold millions of dollars of infrastructure damage each year.

In other words, the very air we breathe is ruining our machines and killing us.

Next time, we’ll look at solutions.

I believe that we can all agree that Climate Change is happening. Growing up in Southern California, I can see how folks there could be deceived. I was. With only two seasons -summer and not summer- it could be confusing.

But now that I’ve lived in such diverse places as Texas, Louisiana, Alaska, Korea and Germany, I’ve come around, I see that it’s true. I’m now a believer in climate change.

Here in Central Oregon we get a lot of it. But with global warming accumulating and melting -almost daily now- I find that I’m at peace with my world.

How could this be? I own a four wheel drive truck, two other cars and have a wood burning stove.

It’s easy.

I’ve listened to the wise advise of Al Gore and his minions, and live in a forest. That’s right, this is the second house I’ve owned with trees. Lots and lots of trees. So that means I’ve purchased carbon offsets. I live a completely guilt free life. I’m having zero impact on CO2 levels. Why, I even have plants inside my house.

President Obama has tremendous respect for the environment- very little for human life, but a lot for the planet. He takes a Big Picture view. He’s going to lead the world into a greener future. I’m sure he picked-up a majority of this information from the Internet, which brings us back to Gore.

If Big Brother Al can live -enviro-mentally friendly- in a home the size of Versailles and fly around the world in his own private Space Shuttle -all by planting a few trees or investing his money in wind farms and such- then I’m totally in the clear with this administration.

Al Gore has shown me that being Carbon Neutral is the way to go. He has no negative impact on the amount of CO2 released into the atmosphere. But then again, he has no positive impact either. He’s neutral, which equals a big, fat zero. So hey Al, thanks for nothing!

I’d like to ask just one, little thing. Since I’m such a wonderful person for doing my part, get off my back, all of you self-righteous pricks, who live in cities and blog at Starbuck’s, complaining about how “Other People” need to do more.

I would suggest you shut your liberal college educated pie holes, before you end up on some list

Cities are the leading cause of pollution and green house gasses. Get rid of the places like LA, Las Vegas, New York and San Francisco and we go a long way toward “solving” this “crisis”. Sorry, if that means all you moonbat, bleeding hearts, hug a polar bear types got to go too. It shouldn’t be a problem since you believe in Shared Sacrifice for the Greater Good.

And if you see flaws in my reasoning, and think you’re so much smarter then me, remember, it’s the intellectuals that go first, When kom da revolution. I would suggest you shut your liberal, college educated pie holes, before you end up on a list.

But until you can grow a pair and do the right thin,g by offing yourselves, here’s three ways you can lessen you impact.

Boycott night games: Sports used to be played in the daylight. Demand that your local teams decrease their energy consumption and carbon emissions by playing while you’re at work. This will have a two-fold beneficial effect. First, think of the great, positive impact this will have by not using all those lights. And secondly, there’ll be far fewer people using their cars to get to those games. Taking it a step further, just boycott the games themselves. They’re simply a way to line the pockets of large corporations that are owned by rich, white men, and besides, they exploit minorities.

Why quit there? Boycott all products and services from all corporations. You’re already doing that for Walmart, right? I mean, why stop with just baseball, football and basketball? If it’s good enough them… Let’s face facts. Corporations are the devil and you’re righteous, and so you must shun the works of the evil one.

The third way you can help, shows the true extent of the malevolence nature of the wickedness that is CO2 poisoning. Please, I beg you, don’t purchase or consume any product containing CO2. Every time you crack a cold one, you’re destroying the polar ice caps. If you go to a BBQ that uses anything other than solar cookers and serves beverages stiffer than Kool-aide, you’re a vicious, murdering son of a bitch.

Finally, you’ll reach a point where you will understand that the very act of breathing is a violation of nature. Now you’re ready to truly be involved in Shared Sacrifice for the Common Good.

I know there has to be a lot more really well thought out suggestions on how to save the planet from Climate Change. Got a better idea or two? There’s a comment box just waiting to be filled to the brim with your wisdom. You’ll be doing your part to help assauge the guilt of the left.