Political Humor

With the exception of government jobs — which means useless jobs that are paid for by taxpayers — which means people with actual useful jobs — The US government does not create jobs. Ok. So you had your census takers. Woo hoo.

Some moron goes around asking, “How many people live here? And are you now or have you ever been affiliated with the Republican Party? Mm hmm. Yes. I see.” Into a two way radio. “The groundhog has seen it’s shadow. Repeat. The groundhog has seen it’s shadow.”

“And would you classify yourself as Latino, Caucasian, or TRAITOR!”

I think I’m a bit off topic here. You see, it just irritates me to hear the Government make a stink about how many jobs it’s creating. I just heard this radio ad that said “The natural gas industry has created umpty thirteen jobs in Pennsylvania.” The Government doesn’t create jobs people! I don’t care what kind of stupid propaganda they want to float out there on the Rush Limbaugh show.

A voice of reason: Fiar, you half-wit. Pardon my interruption of this ludicrous and pointless tirade. If I may simply point out that the US government does not refer to itself as “the natural gas industry.” The ad was for the actual natural gas industry. You know, as in the natural resource people use to heat their homes and so forth.

Fiar: Are you sure?

A voice of reason: Yes, you dolt. I am quite certain that the government does not, in fact, use the term “natural gas industry” as a self-reference.

Fiar: But that’s what they do. The main function of the government is to produce hot air and flatulence.

A voice of reason: You and I know that, but the government would not admit that.

Fiar: So… Do they not know? I mean, they were just on the Flatulence Awareness Restoration Tour. Or as I call it, a FART™.

A voice of reason: I am quite certain that you mean the election campaign.

Fiar: Yeah. They all go out and stink up the American countryside with their turgid promises and verbal diarrhea. Don’t they know that they’re just fumigating us with their death breath?

A voice of reason: I believe that they are aware of their function, but it is considered an impropriety to admit as much. That’s why they didn’t like President Reagan. He said “Politicians are like diapers. They both need changing regularly and for the same reason.”

Fiar: That’s what I’m saying.

A voice of reason: But in general, politicians don’t like that sort of frank admission of their own societal worthlessness.

Fiar: Let’s just suppose you’re right.

A voice of reason: I am right.

Fiar: So the main function of government is to blow the butt bugle, except they won’t admit that all they really do is streak the brown thunder?

A voice of reason: Correct.

Fiar: Since you’re so smart, could you tell me why people in my state call it “PEN-sa-VAY-nya? It’s PEN-sil-VAY-nee-ah. I mean. Come on.

A voice of reason: I must admit that I am stumped on that one. What exactly does this have to do with government creating jobs, or the natural gas industry?

Fiar: Nothing really. I just thought you would know. Back on topic, will the government at least admit that their next most important function is to get their hands on my family treasure? And now they’re trying to figure out how to get their hands on my family jewels at airport security.

A voice of reason: I’m not so sure the policy was directing toward touching your junk, specifically.

Fiar: I guess you’re right. They would rather kill the canary than pet the bird anyway.

This is President Barack Obama. I come to you today on the planet’s best political humor site to bring you this important public service message.

Thanks to a tanking economy, which my administration inherited from President Bush, we have reached unemployment numbers of about 10%. Although this is more than double the unemployment rate during the Bush Administration – For which he was rightfully and roundly criticized – We are determined to continue to set multi-trillion dollar deficits because if we don’t keep hemorrhaging money, we will go bankrupt.

As you know, when you have reached the point of financial crisis, you spend your way back into the green, and that is my administration’s policy for ensuring that as many jobs as possible are created or saved. As part of our “Hope for a Job, Can You Spare Some Change?” initiative, there are many government job opportunities available for highly skilled and motivated self starters.

Many of these jobs are 100% scam free legitimate work from home jobs. Do keep in mind that back in Chicago, the definition of “scam free” is applied a little more liberally than the common definition. So I can only guarantee that I, personally, will not lose any money. Your results may vary.

The Hope for a Job, Can You Spare Some Change? Initiative is on of our crowning achievements in rolling back the clock to a more Socialist time in United States history, when so many Americans looked to the government to pull them from the depths of despair, and provide them with a paycheck.

Some of the top government job postings of our program are as follows. Keep in mind that this is just a partial listing.

PR and Marketing. We’re looking for ambitious self starters who are experienced in presenting to large audiences to assist in raising awareness about our doomsday cult global warming. With global temperatures falling, and one of the coldest summers on record, many citizens of the world are still not aware of the danger of global warming. Job requirements include wearing a sandwich board and raving like a lunatic.

Image Source: The End is Near! Colostomies 2:18

We’re looking for talented shoe-shiners to be the official Vice Presidential shoe shiner. Vice President Biden has a habit of putting his foot in his mouth. Now, I’ve told him that this is a dirty habit, and he should try to stop, but he just can’t seem to be able to help himself. The Vice President of the United States of America can’t be making public appearances and meeting important foreign dignitaries with saliva crusted shoes, and that’s where the cushy government job opportunity comes in. Submit your resumes now.

Government IT jobs. We’re looking for knowledgeable skilled beta testers to test out our new Obama Ogle Eyes desktop widget. You may be familiar with the desktop effect that follows your cursor around. Well, we’re currently developing a delightfully fun widget that has big buggly eyes that follow your 16 year old daughter around the room. 16 year old daughter is NOT included. You need to have been punished with a baby girl 16 years ago to test out this one.

On a related note, I’m also looking for a companion to make that “Aah-ugah!” noise you hear in cartoons when an attractive woman passes by. Sarkozy sucks at doing that.

Warning Sign maker needed. I’m a bit clumsy. I have a tendency to stumble through doorways and do other embarassing things in front of world leaders and international cameras.

We can’t have the whole world thinking that the American President is a bumbling idiot. Here are some examples of warning signs we need:

Here’s one letting me know to watch my step.

This one warns that a child could fall into a bucket.

This one warns me not to get my head stuck in a bucket.

White House Plumber needed. I guess we should not have treated Joe the Plumber so poorly. It turns out that when you continually flush trillions of dollars down the toilet, there is a tendency to get some blockages. You wouldn’t believe what happens when you stick the whole economy in there.

Consider the comments section to be your own satirical government jobs board.

Disclaimer: All jobs pay in Obama Novelty Million dollar bills. They’re literally worth the paper they’re printed on. But don’t worry, They’ll be of equal or greater value to actual legal currency soon enough.