Political Humor

More Government Work from Home Jobs

Okay I’ll admit it, I worked for the Census. You’ll notice the past tense, I’m no longer employed there. I quit. Yep, up and left. Walked right in and told the boss I was out of there.

Fine, he already knew I had a better job waiting. Almost everyone there is looking for a better job. They all congratulated me. But I still quit… and it felt good.

As a U.S. Census Crew Leader, I worked from home. That’s right, I had sensitive documents, containing Personal Identifiable Information (PII) in my house. And you can too. It’s not too late to work from home for the U.S. Government Census Bureau as a Civil Servant- even if it is only a sporadic, part-time job.

Now that I’m free, I can’t wait to give you the juicy inside scoop. Are you sitting down? Good. Here it is:

It’s a total cluster! The worse mess I’ve ever seen!  FUBAR comes to mind!

Bet you weren’t expecting that. I know you thought the Obama A-minion-stration was the finest your money can buy. Maybe so. Then again, the dollar doesn’t go anywhere near as far as it use to. It’ll still fly across the Potomac, it just won’t come back.

More about my qualifications to write this post

Having spent 20 years in the Army, I’ve experienced the lower half of Government Alimentary System (GAS) up close and personal. The Decennial Census operation is the terminal inch. You can guess what passes through there. Don’t get me wrong, the people I worked with were fantastic. We did our best to make it function. It’s The System that stinks.

Here’s a little more background: I got laid-off a while ago. It took a few months to find another way to pay my bills. Last summer, I picked up a seasonal Park Ranger position with the Bureau of Land Management (BLM), in a place that doesn’t even have a park. That lasted until December. In January, I started working with the Census.

I’m what’s known as an expert on government jobs. Don’t try it at home. Wait. That’s what this post is about, work from home jobs. Never mind.

“A census worker once tested me. I ate his liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti”   Hannibal Lecter

More from the U.S. Department of Acronyms (DOA)

Here’s four examples, gleaned from dozens, of ridiculous things I experienced while working for the Census:

We had changes coming in so fast -from Federal Echelons Above Reality (FEAR)- by the time we got ‘em in writing, they were four changes out of date. Policy became rumor.

Got a call from my supervisor one day. He told me one of my Group Quarters Enumeration (GQE) Enumerators could go back to work, as his fingerprinting issue with the FBI was cleared-up. I said, “Huh? Back to work? I didn’t know he wasn’t suppose to be working.”

During Group Quarters Advanced Visits (GQAV)I had to drive around to make sure there was no one living in summer camps and seasonal fire look-out towers… in February… in the Central Oregon mountains… covered with three to ten feet of snow. I couldn’t even get to some of them, so I SWAG‘ed it. This is an acronym from my medical training days at Brook Army Medical Center (BAMC)-known to students as the Sam Houston Institute of Technology (bad word). SWAG stands for Scientific Wild Ass Guess.

TNSOL -another acronym- is Targeted Non-Sheltered Outdoor Locations, a.k.a. homeless camps. Targeted? Wasn’t Sarah Palin slammed for using that same term? And why would we have an acronym involving the homeless using the letters SOL? Want to guess how many of these SOL individuals I counted while it was 9 degrees… snowing lightly… at 6 AM… during Service-Based Enumeration (SBE)?

I could go on for, at least, a thousand more words, but I’ll spare you the tedium.

Got questions about things, like why you didn’t get your Individual Census Form (ICR) in the mail or got three? Or why you may be visited by the statistically employed, wearing stupid orange vests, plastic badges and carrying lame black nylon bags, during Non-Response Follow-Up (NRFU) -where Enumerators might be required to visit the same house up to six times? Or maybe you have a Census story?

I’d be happy to comment on your comments, or answer your questions. But remember, anything I tell you is probably four or five changes behind the times.

More Bonus Material: Phrases people should get slapped for using

A perfect storm
Changed everything forever
Past is prologue
More, less, greater, worse, or better than the experts expected
Historic

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This is President Barack Obama. I come to you today on the planet’s best political humor site to bring you this important public service message.

Thanks to a tanking economy, which my administration inherited from President Bush, we have reached unemployment numbers of about 10%. Although this is more than double the unemployment rate during the Bush Administration – For which he was rightfully and roundly criticized – We are determined to continue to set multi-trillion dollar deficits because if we don’t keep hemorrhaging money, we will go bankrupt.

As you know, when you have reached the point of financial crisis, you spend your way back into the green, and that is my administration’s policy for ensuring that as many jobs as possible are created or saved. As part of our “Hope for a Job, Can You Spare Some Change?” initiative, there are many government job opportunities available for highly skilled and motivated self starters.

Many of these jobs are 100% scam free legitimate work from home jobs. Do keep in mind that back in Chicago, the definition of “scam free” is applied a little more liberally than the common definition. So I can only guarantee that I, personally, will not lose any money. Your results may vary.

The Hope for a Job, Can You Spare Some Change? Initiative is on of our crowning achievements in rolling back the clock to a more Socialist time in United States history, when so many Americans looked to the government to pull them from the depths of despair, and provide them with a paycheck.

Some of the top government job postings of our program are as follows. Keep in mind that this is just a partial listing.

PR and Marketing. We’re looking for ambitious self starters who are experienced in presenting to large audiences to assist in raising awareness about our doomsday cult global warming. With global temperatures falling, and one of the coldest summers on record, many citizens of the world are still not aware of the danger of global warming. Job requirements include wearing a sandwich board and raving like a lunatic.

Image Source: The End is Near! Colostomies 2:18

We’re looking for talented shoe-shiners to be the official Vice Presidential shoe shiner. Vice President Biden has a habit of putting his foot in his mouth. Now, I’ve told him that this is a dirty habit, and he should try to stop, but he just can’t seem to be able to help himself. The Vice President of the United States of America can’t be making public appearances and meeting important foreign dignitaries with saliva crusted shoes, and that’s where the cushy government job opportunity comes in. Submit your resumes now.

Government IT jobs. We’re looking for knowledgeable skilled beta testers to test out our new Obama Ogle Eyes desktop widget. You may be familiar with the desktop effect that follows your cursor around. Well, we’re currently developing a delightfully fun widget that has big buggly eyes that follow your 16 year old daughter around the room. 16 year old daughter is NOT included. You need to have been punished with a baby girl 16 years ago to test out this one.

On a related note, I’m also looking for a companion to make that “Aah-ugah!” noise you hear in cartoons when an attractive woman passes by. Sarkozy sucks at doing that.

Warning Sign maker needed. I’m a bit clumsy. I have a tendency to stumble through doorways and do other embarassing things in front of world leaders and international cameras.

We can’t have the whole world thinking that the American President is a bumbling idiot. Here are some examples of warning signs we need:

Here’s one letting me know to watch my step.

This one warns that a child could fall into a bucket.

This one warns me not to get my head stuck in a bucket.

White House Plumber needed. I guess we should not have treated Joe the Plumber so poorly. It turns out that when you continually flush trillions of dollars down the toilet, there is a tendency to get some blockages. You wouldn’t believe what happens when you stick the whole economy in there.

Consider the comments section to be your own satirical government jobs board.

Disclaimer: All jobs pay in Obama Novelty Million dollar bills. They’re literally worth the paper they’re printed on. But don’t worry, They’ll be of equal or greater value to actual legal currency soon enough.