Political Humor

Intro to a lengthy post

In a fatty of a RL Inquirer exclusive, today we’ll explore the no stems, no seeds side of American politics. Our team of crack undercover, investigative reporters have left no stone gathering moss in pursuit of a good story, and lacking that… the truth.

We dressed like housewives. We dressed like students. Sometimes in suit and a tie. Oops, sorry, that was for the Town Hall meetings. Which reminds me. Chris C, my wife wants her skirt and blouse back. Oh, and she told me to tell you that you’ve got nice legs.

Ramble on

So, let’s get on with this fine piece of journalism.

It’s rather apparent to me that our high government officials are smoking something. How else can you explain the utter stupidity we’re getting for leadership? You know what I think they’re passing around in the Congressional Cloakroom and Oval Office? Funny Money, and it’s the best funny money that, ah, money can buy.

I’m not aiming this accusation only at the Democrats. Oh, no. At the very least, you Republicans are guilty of hanging around and getting a contact buzz. Though I suspect many of you have been taking a few hits too.

Congress has been flyin’ high, and not on a new fleet of Gulfstream G5s. Here’s an idea, why not pass a Bill stating that they can do that whenever they like? I’ve got a list of cliffs and tall building where they could practice. Sorry. Zoning out in a pleasant daydream again.

Get on with it, already

Why’s this happening? Simple. In an age of Roll You’re Own pork barrel projects and Johnny Can’t Read representation, it makes perfect sense to believe you can do almost anything you want as a member of Congress. Who’s going to stop ‘em? A bunch of angry, Un-American, political terrorist? Perish the thought.

What does all of this have to do with Funny Money? Not a thing.(Enter an awkward transitional sentence and segue back to our topic de jour… or not.)

When you think about it, it all makes sense. Joint sessions of Congress gain a whole new meaning. These guys have been burning cash like a frat party goes through Pabst Blue Ribbon. Congress has got the munchies, big time. The only thing that seems to help fill that hunger, is more spending.

Except the country’s flat ass broke. There’s no way they can afford this fine smoke, can they? No, but your grandchildren can. With prices falling in the housing market, unemployment nearing double digits, and the value of the U.S. dollar hovering around that of Zimbabwe’s, you wouldn’t think the Greenback was worth the paper it was printed on. And up until Obama took office, you’d have been right.

A bit of back story

Secretly over the last six months, almost all of the U.S. folding currency has been removed from circulation and replaced. But instead of the U.S. Mint handling the manufacture of the new dollars, Obama’s Currency Czar, Michael Phelps, has set up a clandestine printing operation in Eugene, Oregon.

Former 1970′s employees of the Zig-Zag rolling paper company have been assembled in Eugene to work at a shut down lumber mill, that houses this secret plant. The mill was closed some years ago because a single breading pair of spotted owls was seen vacationing in a nearby old-growth forest. Since burned-out hippies are a common sight in this town and these laid-back workers haven’t attracted any unwanted attention.

The high cotton content of the old bucks has been replaced a high hemp content in the new. Strong, durable, much “greener” than the traditional blue jeans material -and usually associated with man purses- hemp in and of itself is not much good for finding humor Pauly Shore movies. Lacking all but tract amounts of THC, the new currency is given its punch through dye made from the leaves of pot plants. The actual extraction method is closely guarded and known only to a few Rastafarian craftsmen.

This program goes back many years, and was the brain child of Bill “I never inhaled” Clinton. He began the program by working with groups on both sides of the border. Upstanding Mexican citizens have been moving the product into the country for years. It’s been processed and stored in various locations across the country, awaiting the day production could begin.

Don’t think Bush wasn’t in on it too. Why do you think he never closed the border and had such a difficult time pronouncing nuclear? Didn’t that lame smile ever make you wonder?

Back to the Future

If you’ve been asking yourself, ‘where all the money’s going?’ It’s going up in smoke. The EPA has estimated that all that cash burning will raise the global temperature .0002 degrees centigrade, over the next year. This will cause the polar ice caps to melt an addition 50%. And that will be enough to flood New Orleans, The Hampton, and polish off the Galapagos Islands. Easter Island will barely be able to keeps its heads above water. But do these 60′s dope smokers care? No. They only care about where their next stash of cash will come from.

Living high on the hog, instead of lighting their Havanas with hundred dollar bills, now Congress is puffing on C notes. (This is in no way a homo joke about Larry Craig or Barney Frank.) Although a problem has arisen with our new legal tender. The North Koreans have been counterfeiting our currency. Apparently they’ve been using toilet paper as a base material -causing a shortage in their own country. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, not all of the TP is virginal.

Next time you see your representative looking like they’ve just smoked some good shit, you’ll know why.

[ed: that was a long frikkin' way to go for a sorry punchline]

The following is very loosely based upon the outstanding writing style of Edward Bulwer-Lytton.

It was a dark and stormy night along the Southern Front, where heavy machine guns in National Guard manned towers, pointed to the North, in an effort to keep money and USA made weapons from tempting, honest, eager-to-work, underprivileged citizens of the Americas into entering a life of crime and die by the hundreds, to satisfy the desires of American liberals for a little, harmless high -unlike evil, law abiding, tolerant, gun loving, subversive conservative, suspected right-wing terrorist, who prefer to drink beer when they watch cars going around in circles and bar-b-cue brats, instead of smoking reefer or snorting cocaine from a mirror in some rat-infested, germ-ridden, big city night club restroom like Blue State hippies and high government officials (no pun intended, seriously) of the Democrat persuasion like to do, who then in a drug-crazed rut, hook-up with anything that has a pulse, only for many of the females of this sub-species to later regret their one night stands and visit dark alleys, where universal health care providers with unsanitary coat hangers wait.

So what the hell does this have to do with illegal aliens, undocumented workers, Democrat voters in waiting? Well, one would think all that fire power might deter them from entering our their country, right? There has to be some way to bring in the necessary employees to do the jobs Americans Lazy Americans won’t do, doesn’t there? Am I ever going to answer any of these questions? Is that what you want me to do?

Too bad. I don’t want to. At least, not in a couple of words.

It was the same dark and stormy night, just south of the border, where hard-working, men, women and children waited for a chance to make a lasting contribution to the entire world by borrowing the social security numbers of dead babies and thereby entitling them to vote in every Illinois election -several times on the same day- while simultaneously relieving sloth-like white guys of the burden of having to labor, by allowing them the opportunity to collect an unemployment check because they were laid-off from their jobs that paid too much or were outsourced (in-country) to foreign workers who want to just get through the border -that is heavily armed by racist, terrorist-in-training- without being subjected to the scrutiny afforded to their countrymen that supply the drugs for Liberal Americans that want to make themselves feel better about the terrible way these noble people are treated in their country -on both sides of the border- so they instituted a system to identify those immigrants, deserving the opportunity to re-claim the land that was stolen from them -after they stole it from the Indians, who stole it from the Norwegians- by giving them a “Get into Texas Free” card, so they can flash it at the new Check Point Charlie, near El Paso and enter this country unmolested.

If you didn’t get the message, all you liberals who use drugs are supporting terrorist activities, both foreign and domestic -and yes, I am saying drug cartels and gangs are terrorist too and no, conservatives as a rule, don’t use illegal drugs. This makes you an accessory to the mass murder of thousands of people world-wide.  I am also saying that there is nothing noble, proper, lawful, right, just or fair about “immigrants” sneaking into my home and taking what does not belong to them. Oh, and if you think this makes me a racist, que te jodan, Puta!

Have a nice day!

Since there has been much discussion about hippies on this great, and powerful weblog, it seems necessary to offer some scientific clarification to keep our readers on the same page. They need to know how to spot and identify the different species of hippie to determine the proper approach, handling, and beating method for each. This list is not intended to be all inclusive, but merely a handy reference guide to aid you in your day to day contact with the more prominent hippies varieties.

• Green Hippie – A hippie that has devoted itself to a mindless promotion of “nature,” even to the detriment of mankind. This variety of hippie can be found in various natural settings: Tree tops, city parks, the open ocean among others. It can be identified by its megalomaniacal sense of self-importance manifested by its belief that “the Earth” gives a rat’s ass about the existence of green hippies or their Tetrahydrocannabinol-retarded belief system.

  Other common identifiers of green hippies are their holding of anti-fur protest signs while wearing leather sandals, and their stench. While espousing their love for all things natural, green hippies can be quite violent. They have been known to drive railroad spikes into tress marked for harvesting, throwing noxious chemicals on celebrities wearing fur, and wreaking general havoc on construction sites, animal testing facilities, and whaling vessels.

  Green hippies should be approached with extreme caution. While beating green hippies with long handled rakes, expandable batons, or clubs made from the bones of baby seals can be a singularly enjoyable experience, I find the irony of them dying by natural causes, i.e being eaten by a bear, much more fulfilling.

• Anti-war Hippie – A hippie that has devoted itself to a skewed ideal of peace. The anti-war hippie’s notion of peace is the lack of war under any and all circumstances even at the cost of the oppression of an entire nationality or ethnic group of people. The anti-war hippie can be found at anti-war protests, military recruiting offices, school campuses, or any other area where there may be elements sympathetic to military causes that they feel need to be rooted out and destroyed.

  The anti-war hippie can be identified by their holding of signs that bear stupid slogans like “make love not war” or “no blood for oil”, their stupid chants of those same idiotic slogans, their shouts of “don’t taze me bro” followed by the loud sound of electricity arcing through their bodies, and their stench. While anti-war hippies like to talk about “peace” and pacifism, in groups they can be quite destructive.

  Anti-war hippies have been known to set fires to cars and buildings, assault police officers and civilians that aren’t listening to their Tetrahydrocannabinol-retarded ramblings, and to trample each other trying to get away from taser-wielding police officers. There are no special equipment needs to be considered when beating an anti-war hippie, you should be careful not to expose yourself to their blood, or their incoherent anti-war babbling.

• Communist Hippie – The communist hippie is a hippie that has devoted itself to communism. While they rarely call themselves communists, their ideals are squarely in line with those of Marx, Lenin, or Mao. One of the most famous communist hippies was John Lennon. He was able to take the Communist Manifesto and set it to music with the popular song “Imagine“.

  In case there is any doubt that this is the case, see the Rolling Stone article dedicated to this pile of steaming porcine feces masquerading as music. Communist hippies can be hard to find as many of them have shed their flowers, bare feet, and bell bottoms for Rolexes, Kenneth Coles, and Armani suits. They have taken up positions in state houses, court houses, and Congress.

  These hippies are the most insidious. They try to lure you in with their ideals of togetherness, and love for all mankind when their true goal is the destruction of the American ideals of individualism and the pursuit of happiness. These hippies should be beaten immediately on sight with any implement accessible at the time.

I hope this handy guide will aid you in any future contacts you may have with hippies. While there are other varieties of hippies out there, these are the most common, and most dangerous. Since the death of Steve Irwin, there have been few brave enough to study these species in their native habitats. Besides, hitting them with sticks is much more enjoyable.

If you found this guide handy, JumpOut has other guides including How Not to Get Killed by the Police at his own Law Enforcement Humor blog You Should Be Tasered.