Political Humor

You might think that beating hippies is fun, safe, family friendly entertainment.

You are wrong.

I’m not denying that it is fun, especially for the kids. Kids just love beating dirty hippies. No. The fact is that it can be very unsafe.

Let’s say you were about the town and saw a dirty hippie chick. Now, you might be thinking, “Except for the armpit hair, hippie stink, lack of brain functioning, and Che Guevara T-shirt, she’s almost semi-good looking.”

Now, you’re not going to just dunk your junk without taking any precautionary measures. You don’t want to see your equipment shriveled up like a poorly rolled joint, or Ron Paul‘s poll numbers. Of course not.

First you will take her on a romantic trip to the lake. You’ll say, “Let me put some sunscreen on for you,” But instead of sunscreen, it will be soap that you are lathering all over her body. Now, shove her in the water, and it’s guaranteed to be at least 12% as effective as actual showering.

After that, you’re still going to want to use some sort of prophylactic protection to prevent the passage of pathogens. You never know what sort of diseases a hippie could be carrying. There are so many to choose from. Tuberculosis, Hepatitis, Syphillis.

Let’s not forget the worst of them all, Terrorist Sympathy. Symptoms include parroting terrorist talking points, and extending Constitutional rights to terrorists.

You will want to steer clear of these sorts of infections. And that is why precautions should also be taken when it comes to beating hippies. You see, hippies are a subspecies of the lower primates. This means that they are warm-blooded mammals. As such, when you beat a hippie severly enough, there will be blood.

Blood can transmit disease. Do you see where this is going?

What you can do to protect yourself

7. Wear a poncho. You need to be aware of the possibility of blow back. This occurs when you beat the hippie, and their blood sprays back on you.

6. Safety goggles are a must. You don’t want any bodily fluids, or tofu getting in your eyes. Hippies will also sometimes scratch at your eyes. You only get one set of eyes, so please protect them.

5. Gloves and boots. The more you can be sure to cover all exposed areas, the safer you hippie beating fun will be.

4. Grapefruit in a 100% cotton towel. While this method may cause internal injuries, it shouldn’t cause external bleeding. Plus the hippies like it because it’s a totally vegan and eco-friendly method of being beaten.

3. Shower immediately and thoroughly to wash off all potential pathogens. I failed to do this one time, and it took several rounds of antibiotics to clear that mess up. Don’t make the mistake that I did.

In the event that a thorough shower is not immediately available, you should come prepared with a minimum of one gallon of hand sanitizer per family member. Use all over the body, except sensitive regions. Clean them ASAP with soap and water.

2. Bring a friend. Just like with swimming, always follow the buddy system.

1. Lift from the legs. This is just a basic back safety tip. Never lift and twist.

You will also want to check your local, state, and federal regulations, perhaps consulting with the chief of police. It seems that many lawmakers are metrosexual, girly sissies, and may have passed anti-hippie beating legislation under the guise of “assault” and/or “battery.” We’re looking for family friendly fun, not family felony fun.

What are your tips for safe hippie beating?

Humor-Blogs.com understands that this is satire, and in no way endorses actual violence. No hippies were harmed in the writing of this satire.

Image Credit: Dirty Hippie Chick in the Wild Wearing Che T-Shirt, by Fiar.

Limericks are cool. Especially when they involve violence against hippies, like this one, or the one that follows.

I once saw a hippie in Seattle
He smelled like a whole herd of cattle
I ran him through with a pike
Pedaled off with his bike
And said, “Man, that was a one sided battle.”

I once saw a hippy on the street
So I stomped him to death with my feet
As I cleaned off my shoe
I saw the bottle of shampoo
Said, “lather, rinse, repeat”

What’d you think, RT?