Political Humor

The political humor series on slave labor concludes.

An Acerbic and Cynical Look at a Ridiculous Topic

Part 2: The Sum of the Parts is Larger than the Hole

More Boring History Stuff

For those of you left-wingers, who decided to return for the second part, let’s just get right to it, shall we?

Now, Uncle Les was telling you about all of the bad people, who lived long ago and weren’t nice to other people.

Can I get a show of hands of those of you who where here last time, who remember any of this? Keep ‘em up there. OK, not as many as I’d hoped, but still enough to make it worth my while to continue.

Oh, and you Hippies and Euro Trash types who’ve showered since we last met, thank you.

We all know about the Romans, the Greeks, the Carthaginians, the Egyptians, the Persians and other ancient peoples who enslaved folks. We are also aware of Chinese and Japanese imperialism and the horrors wrought by them. Genghis Kahn and the Moguls weren’t exactly all sweetness and light either.

Don’t worry my little bastard offspring of the Flower Children, if that sailed right over your heads. Here’s a little tip. If you look at the speaker and nod once in a while, it makes you seem like you’re getting it.

Europe in the Middle Ages had its share of issues too. Although they called it serfdom instead. Of course, we all know how evil the U.S. is for it’s own early and limited foray into slavery.

Limited? Yeah, limited. Let me explain. Slavery in the U.S. had been on a steady decline right up to the Civil War. You know what happened there. So, let’s do the math.

The United States of America wasn’t truly a nation until the Treaty of Paris was signed in 1783. This is when the Britain recognized our sovereignty. They kind of owned us until then. The 13th Amendment was ratified in 1865, abolishing slavery. Subtract 1783 from 1865 and you get 82 years.

Now admittedly, that’s 82 terrible years too long, but for practice that had been the rule rather than the exception a few millennium, I think we did pretty well.

I’ll bet that’s a lot different take on the subject, then you got in your public schools and on NPR.

*A side bar: Lincoln issued the Emancipation Proclamation in September 1862 with an implementation date of January 1, 1863, but it only applied to the Confederacy, which had broken away. It didn’t apply to the border states of West Virginia, Delaware. Missouri, Kentucky, or Maryland. Slavery continued in some form in some of these states until the 13th Amendment was ratified.

So, the North got to keep their slaves while fighting the evil South over their slaves. And Lincoln? Well, he campaigned for slavery before he decided against it.

How political times have changed.

Say You’re Sorry and Pay the Man

I’d like to see another show of hands, if I could please. How many of you have ever been down to the slave market in your local town square? That few? How many treatises have you personally violated with the American Indians? Huh. I see. Thought that might be the case.

Next question. How many of you feel you need to pay reparations to the distant relatives of peoples that you never knew, never harmed and are very, very dead?

Last one. Then why the hell do we keep bringing it up? It’s like having your Great Grandmother taking you by the hand into a store that has had six owners in the past 70 years and telling you to apologize for your Grandfather. Then she forces you to pay for a piece of candy he stole in 1948.

While I started this post a few weeks ago, just yesterday Congress voted on a non-binding resolution to apologize for slavery which, of course, passed by huge numbers. It was sponsored by Rep. Steven Cohen (D-Tenn) who is up for re-election.  And you thought this had no immediate political relevance.

How about those Indians in what is now the USA? That’s right. Slavers. The Incas, Mayans, the Aztecs? All brutal civilizations that tortured and kept slaves. Say it’s not so!

Russian slave labor camps. Chinese slave labor camps. Japanese slave labor camps. German slave labor camps. The list goes on and on.

But wait, there’s more. If you order right now, we’ll throw in: African tribes enslaving each other and then selling those captives to the Arabs, who in turn sold them to the Europeans, absolutely free!

Name me a group of people, if you can, who haven’t been enslaved at one point in history or another.

But don’t stop with the national disgrace of America. We have to include all of Europe, don’t we my liberal listeners. That’s who settled this land after all. Bringing their slaves with them. And as I mentioned before, Asia Minor, North Africa in the time of the Greeks and Romans were all guilty. Carthage had slaves, as did Egypt -remember the Jews. Asia? Don’t get me started about the Chinese and Japanese. The Moguls were great believers in slave labor too. Don’t forget those Pacific islands.

There may have been secret German U-boat bases in Antarctica, which were built at gunpoint. So the Antarcticans are going to have to pony up their fair share.

Reparations for everybody! And I don’t mean no measly 600 bucks either. It’s my money and I want it now!

Wow, that got rather heated.

OK, let’s take a break. I’d tell you to smoke ‘em if you got ‘em, but I know better.

Tearing it all down

I used to tell my soldiers -yes, I was one of Them- not to come to me with problems. Come with solutions. I believe I’ve got a good one. Tell me what you think.

Any structure that was built by slave labor must be pulled down. Destroyed. Removed, only leaving a large hole where the offending structure once stood. Gone. We must rid ourselves of this evil and vicious side of humanity once and for all. Cleanse us of this depraved wickedness.

Then on the site of each, we’ll wait at least seven years before deciding what kind of monument we’ll erect and to whom. We’ll hold contest and pay out lots of cash to consultants.

Since we must now include every injustice to every human being ever committed since the beginning of time, it might take a while. Seven years may be a bit myopic. So, until we can decide, let’s just shine a light in the sky or something as equally intelligent as that. That’ll show the world were serious.

A New Day Dawns

Today in America, the farmers, hospitality industry, and low skilled trades employers want at permanent underclass to exploit. Keep them bare foot and ignorant. It’s a new “slavery” for a new day. But where will we get all of these people? It’s going to take a lot of them to build our new monuments to ourselves.

I think you know where this is going, don’t you.

Despite or maybe to spite the American people’s desires, our “leaders” are going to grant amnesty to millions of illegals who are breaking our laws. The question is why? I believe it’s not that Americans won’t do those jobs. It’s because profoundly stupid liberals, sorry, want to feel good about themselves and an evil corporate complex that demands cheap labor.

I thought you’d enjoy the “evil” corporation slam.

Congress will backdoor some form of amnesty in the next year or two. They won’t call it amnesty, but it’ll still quake like a duck. Since we know it’s coming, maybe we should think about giving this new movement a fitting title. The word “amnesty” leaves such a sour taste in the mouth. It implies forgiveness. And what did any of these wonderful folks ever do that they would need forgiven.

Any suggestions? I kind of like Citizens in Waiting.

I guess that’s about it. Please don’t forget your hash pipes and drums on your way out. I hope I didn’t hurt your feelings -too much.

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Today is Bastille Day. This is the day that the French celebrate (July, 14 1789) the very last time that they ever had any guts to stand up for what is right.

Oh, sure, there are some Frenchmen who aren’t spineless jellyfish, but I don’t know of any, so I think I had better stay away from making rash generalizations based on hearsay, and anecdotal evidence.

What reason do you have to Bash the French?

Well, they’re French. Isn’t that reason enough? It’s not really a visceral hatred that I feel for the French. It’s more like a primeval urge to fire off insults. In fact, I think it is actually a primitive instinct encoded in the psyche of all humans.

Huh? What the heck does that mean?

It is my postulate that the “French Hating” gene is the root cause of my desire to subject yellow bellied Frenchies to unprovoked assaults on their personal characters. The French of course have the gene as well. It causes them to cower in fear at the threat of even a mild verbal disagreement.

Where does the “French Hating” gene come from?

Good question… Hey, who’s asking me these questions? Where are you? Many thousands of years ago, there was Neanderthal Man (pronounced “I-surrender-man). Named for the region of France in which Neanderthal Man’s bones were first discovered. Modern day humans are derived from another ancient human species called Cro-Magnon Man (pronounced gun-toting-redneck-man).

It is theorized that Cro-Magnon Man actually migrated into Neanderthal Man’s territory, and as food was scarce, deadly competition ensued in the quest for survival. Proponents of this theory postulate that Cro-Magnon Man killed off Neanderthal man, rendering him to the ultimate surrender – extinction.

My theory is that this is the birth of the “French Hating” gene. Our ancestors came to France, and wiped out their population, thus forever etching into our collective psyches the notion that the French are our mortal enemies. So, French bashing is just the natural order of things.

There is a phenomenon wherein people who attend prestigious universities acquire a dangerous mental defect that reverses the French hating, America loving tendencies into French respecting, America hating tendencies. I attribute this to a lack of competitive collegiate football teams at these universities. Sure, they may be competitive at uninteresting endeavors, such as: Chess, baseball, rowing, basketball, or debate team, but it’s good for society to have large men proving their manliness by rhino charging a locker.

Why would I want to do such a mindlessly stupid and destructive thing like that, eh?

Where are you? Come out of hiding. To answer your question, you wouldn’t because you are a sissy. Healthy American football players, or Aussie rugby players would though, because it show that they are tough. Chicks like that.

“I’m a lover not a fighter” is a pick up line. It’s not a way of life, except for weenies like you. Chicks like a guy that will pummel a potential attacker into a bloody puddle of mush if need be, not someone that will hide in a corner and cry like a little girl who skinned her knee. Hey, at least the girl skinned her knee before crying.

Back to my point, not only is making a mockery of the French natural, it’s fun too. Beyond that, I believe that it is a civic duty to insult cowardly Frenchmen. That’s right a civic duty, such as voting, and serving jury duty, not just as an American, but as a citizen of the world. All of humanity benefits from making a vulgar mockery of the French.

What have the French ever done to you, eh?

Who’s asking that? Show yourself you linguini spined slug! For one thing, the French gave us the Statue of Liberty.

Isn’t that a good thing? It was a gift you filthy, unappreciative American.

Aha! I knew you sounded French. To answer your question – sure it’s very nice of you to have given us a symbol of liberty and freedom. I take exception to the fact that I know, as well as the French do, that it was nothing but a prank. The joke’s on us.

What do you mean, eh?

Oh, come on now! I know you French look down your humongous noses at us, but we’re not that stupid. How many French statues and sculptures of beautiful naked women do you French have? And what do you send us? Thomas Jefferson in a robe. Did you think we wouldn’t notice you mocking one of our most important Founding Fathers by sending us a sculpture of Thomas Jefferson in drag. Well I noticed. It may have taken over 200 years, but we’re on to you Frenchie!

You insolent swine! Without our help, you would have never won your own war for independence from the English!

Quite true, Pepe Le Pew, (hey that rhymes) however we repaid the debt 216 years ago, during the French Revolution. How many times have we saved your sorry, quivering hides from extinction since then? Like a hundred by my count. At some point you have got to let go of that. The scale has tipped far in favor of the French owing us.

You Americans are nothing but uncultured cowboys!

Hey, thanks! Er, wait… Was that sarcastic? Are you implying that we are actually cultured elitists, like the French? I ask because it sounded like you intended that as an insult.

No. You have a cavalier attitude.

Again with the compliments that sound like you intend them to be insults. How stupid are you Jean-Paul? Cowboys are heroes. Cowboys have guts. Cowboys look evil in the eye and then remove it from the face of the earth. Are you so mind numbingly stupid that you think that’s a bad thing?

Hey! Where did you go? I guess he got scared and ran away. So, as I was saying, the French really suck. Also I would like to apologize to anyone who found this offensive. I am sincerely sorry that you are a yellow-bellied, jelly-spined, gutless, surrender monkey.

I’m sorry you were born French. I’m sorry that you got offended because you are such a pussy.

Happy Bastille Day!

I’m digging this out of the Political Humor archives to gratuitously add to Humor-Blogs.com

Related: The History of Independence Day
A History of Groundhog Day
Great Moments in Hezbollah History

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Image: Bastille Day Fireworks by claytron