Political Humor

Eat Lead

So many of our elected civil servants (oxymoron alert) have swallowed the Far Left’s line, hook and sinker. For those of you who’ve never fished, the hook and line are an obvious part of the angling experience, but many may not know what the sinker is for. They’re lead pieces used to “sink” the hook to the bottom of a body of water. So to say our elected officials have swallowed… that is, the hook, line and sinker, means not only they’ve been caught, but also that they’re bottom feeders.

Please understand that while swallowing the hook and line causes me concern about their ability to make independent decisions (second oxymoron alert), politicians swallowing lead doesn’t bother me in the slightest. Especially if it’s traveling at a minimum of eight hundred feet per second.

Slanted Journalism at its Finest

Once again, I’ll take a very little real information, a large dose of personal opinion and several scoops of bias, and miraculously extrapolate a salient post. In other words, act just as irresponsibly as the Main Stream Media.

Somethin’s Fishy

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him prison chow. I heard Obama wants to ban sports fishing, making it a crime. I don’t know if that’s completely true, but it fits well with my preconceived notions.

We won’t be allowed fish, so we won’t eat fish. Cattle and pig farts kill polar bears. Take them off the menu. The treatment of chickens is immoral. Scratch KFC. That leaves vegetarianism, and I think I read somewhere that exclusively eating flora has a bigger carbon footprint than chowing down on bacon cheeseburgers. I’m so confused.

But seriously, would you Rather have a juicy bacon cheeseburger, or a seedy watermelon? One thing’s for sure, I don’t need a state trooper to flag me into the drive-though of my local, artery clogging fast food joint. I love going to these places, even if I have a hard time understanding the help.

For his next trick, the President wants to overhaul immigrants. I’m having my transmission overhauled. It’s not working right. Does this mean Obama wants to fix illegals so they work right? All I know is, in order to get my truck fixed, it’s going to cost a bundle.

As we segue into Obama Care (except segue means to transition without a pause, and now I’ve created one… crap)

Expensive? No way. Health Care reform will actually save money. Just think, 118 billion a year in savings! In no time at all, we’ll balance the budget, and turn that 40 Trillion in deficits and unfunded entitlements, into a surplus. I tried to figure-out how long that would take, but my calculator’s little screen wouldn’t hold all those zeros. We just have to get Obama’s John Hancock on the bill.

Rep. Louse Slaughter (D-NY) has a great idea for doing just that. Hang on. New York. Isn’t that where Charley Rangel, Eric Massa, Eliot Spitzer and David Patterson are from? Oops, got distracted. Anyway, Slaughter wants to have the House just kind of say they passed the Senate Health Care Bill without actually voting on it. Then Obama can sign it into law.

The Senate will then fix it so everyone is satisfied. After that, Pelosi says we can find out what’s in there. Of course it all grossly violates the Constitution, but what the hell, we got the health care the majority of Americans have been asking for. Happy days are here again.

How’d I do? Can I write for a major news outlet now?

Wanted: Rouser seeks Rabble. Radical Right-Wing Instigator looking for like-minded Tea-Baggers, Timothy McVeigh wannabes, and Mob Mentality Nazi sign holders to overthrow current Democrat Congress in 2010 elections, by backing Conservative Candidates. Moderates need not respond.

Les at comments, Radioactive Liberty

Here we go again. FIAR has tried everything in his considerable power to fix the comment issue. Funny how it’s only me. I smell a conspiracy. A big, fat, we’ve been hacked by black helicopter pilots, conspiracy.  No, not black pilots, black helicopters. We’ll keep trying.

New Bill of Rights (Supersedes the Old Bill of Rights. They were kind of dusty and inflexible.)

You have the Right to Remain Silent. If you give up that Right and exercise Free Speech, you can and will be taxed on a progressive scale.

You have the Right to Keep and Bear Arms. If you can’t afford a firearm, one will be provided to you. Low Income Minorities can obtain loaded Saturday Night Specials at One Stop locations where they currently receive welfare checks, free legal aid, no cost abortions, voter registration, clean needles and food stamps. Repealed by Executive Order 16237

You have the Right to Health Care. If you chose not to exercise that Right, you will be subject to fines and imprisonment. While in prison, you will be forced to use better Health Care than available to the general public.

You have the Right to Life. If you are a Fetus, Elderly, or a Burden on Society, you are exempt from this Right.

You have the Right to Liberty. If you… Never mind, you already gave up that Right.

You have a Right to Pursue Happiness. If you are not happy, you will be prescribed medication to ensure your Happiness.

Do you understand these Rights as President Obama wrote them?

The New Bill of Rights are wholly owned by Obama Red Inc, and are subject to change without notice. No guarantee of actual rights are expressed or implied.

Stupid Question of the Day: Miranda Rights

“You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to you. Do you understand these rights as they have been read to you?”

Stupid Question: If I’m arrested, don’t remain silent, and then charges are dropped (because of course, I was innocent), have my Miranda Rights been violated, since they didn’t use what I said “against” me “in a court of law”? 

NOTICE: The comments section is malfunctioning on this post. Please jot down your rage-filled rantings so you won’t forget the exact vitriol-laced verbiage when it comes back on-line.  Still, the only reason you would do that is because you’re gay.

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. Gratefully, I was an Army Recruiter before that inane rule came out. After 1993, recruiters could still disqualify guys if they were commies, but not if they looked for magazines under their mother’s side of the bed. Thanks, Bill.

I’ve been retired for ten years, but I can’t imagine opinions have change much concerning Pole Smokers in uniform. This politically correct and insightful post will focus on those kind, as we men really don’t care if a few of the opposite sex prefers some tacky little pamphlet in their daddy’s bottom drawer. It’s well known, most red-blooded American males secretly lust for some dirty love with a pair of lesbians.

“I’ve been licking this carpet for 3 hours and I still don’t feel like a Lesbian!”   Eric Cartman

Men are dogs… sometimes poodles. I’ll be the first to admit it. It’s true. We hetro guys fantasize a lot about inserting our Tab A’s into a female’s (or six) Slot B’s. That’s just the way we roll.

Those homo guys on the other hand, think a lot about sticking their Tab A’s into our Slot C’s. Not cool.

This is one reason the Greatest Fighting Force in the World doesn’t need flamers, burning down the door as they burst out of their closets, -or in this case, wall lockers- before flitting out to prance around the parade field.

Jeff Foxworthy said, “I’d like a beer and I’d like to see something naked.” I’m 100% certain Jeff was talking about women. That pretty much sums up most dudes, but not all.  President Obama wants the Department of Defense to slide butt pirates into that statement. That’s something I’d pay good money NOT to see.

Don’t try to tell me that they’re only interested in other gay guys. I call bullshit on that notion. If that’s true, the Armed Forces should also allow married males to group shower with married females. After all, they aren’t interested in those women, right?

Seriously, the last thing I’d want -if I was still on active duty- is to have to shower with a guy who was checking out my military member. The essence of this is, human nature is human nature, no matter how unnatural and sickening it may be.

Still, if you want to serve your country and you’re some kind of deviated pervert, do everyone a favor and keep it to yourself. Don’t dick with the good order and discipline of the U.S. Military by attempting to co-mingle your nasty twisted, with their straight, precious bodily fluids.

Come on, really… what makes anyone think that telling a heroic group of young, testosterone laden warriors they should serve with guys who openly admit to wet dreaming about them, is going to have a positive outcome?

Here’s a thought for our wonderful men in the Armed Forces, if Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell does get rescinded, don’t punch them in the face. Instead, every time some Puss in Boots looks at you wrong, pats you on the back, or makes any kind of statement that you could even remotely take as an innuendo, make it known you’re uncomfortable, and believe you’ve been sexual harassed. They want all the same rights and privileges. Give ‘em to ‘em.

I’d like hear your thoughts on this subject. I’d especially like to hear from women. Ladies please let me know what you think about Lesbos in Camos. That, and are you and a girlfriend into three-ways?

I’m only ah, joking about the three-ways thing. Yeah, that’s it. Really. Please don’t tell my wife. I’m kind of attached to my… er… you know.