Political Humor

In a previous Simple Solution Les suggested a way to deal with the border problem. I have another and it is something our President suggested….

I know Barack Obama was joking when he said Republicans would not be satisfied unless the US Border was a moat filled with alligators.

But come on that is one hell of an idea.

And what if he wasn’t joking?

Last week, Obama gave the orders to take out Bin Laden. Sure, he hemmed and hawed on the decision for sixteen hours but he did finally say yes.

Then he made fun of his wife in public, advising America not to get in between her and a tamale. But it’s okay, he said because she’s exercising.

(On a side note, no word from the AP on how many nights Obama slept on the couch for that indiscretion.)

Then this: a moat filled with alligators along our southern border.

Maybe he is serious about the idea. And now that he floated the premise we need to fine tune things a bit.

First, we have to have more than just alligators. We need piranha, those eels that swim up people’s penises, and perhaps sharks with laser beams. I’d include the Loch Ness Monster but he was killed by Global Warming.

Second, we can turn border crossing into a contest. Make it across, get a Green Card. We could even televise it as a reality game show.

This is a win-win for everyone. The US gets a secure border, anti-immigration people get their reduction in illegals, pro-immigration people get their path to citizenship for those who do make it across, and the average Joe watching television gets a new Spike TV reality show with a great lead-in from 1,000 Ways to Die.

Good evening, America. I am Janet Napolitano, and I am speaking to you in an effort to quell your fears about the recent epidemic of swine flu. Do not be afraid because your messiahPresident, and his apostles cabinet are coming up with innovative new solutions to combat this microbial menace.

Make no mistake, this is the worst public health disaster since the Black Death of the 1300′s. As such, we must act now. There is no time to waste. Currently, members of the House and Senate are working on bipartisan bills that look like Tolstoy novels. We know from past experience that legislation with more pages than the average trailer park resident can count make you sheep people feel like we are trying to help you. I mean, not that we aren’t. Trying to help you I mean. Well, as opposed to doing things solely to solidify the Democrats grip on…but I digress. Where was I?

Anyway, President Obama wants to make sure you people understand that now is not the time to get all xenophobic. Yes, we understand that the problem likely originated in Mexico, and spread here through our porous southern border. We also understand that it seems like common sense to start shoring up our borders and immigration policies. We will, however, not do any of those things that sound like good ideas.

What we are going to do is vote on this mammoth “Health Stimulus Bill” tomorrow even though it has 23,000 pages and would be humanly impossible to read in such a short amount of time. This bill is going to spend 14 trillion dollars on things such as AIDS research in Africa, creating solar power-plants, mag-lev trains, funding HAMAS education programs in Gaza, and lining the pockets of ACORN.

Remember, now is not the time to panic. The swine flu is only here to infect the people that American flu strains are too lazy to infect. Don’t go clinging to guns and bibles. You won’t be able to bring those to the camp…oops.

If you would like to read more of Janet Napolitano…oops…I mean JumpOut, you can find him writing law enforcement humor at You Should Be Tasered